So Your Dating A Fuckboy……I’m Sorry:(


We know this person. He is the loudest voice on your Call Of Duty team death matches screaming over everyone that the person who killed him in less than 20 seconds is a faggot loving pussy (makes sense, sure) in between yelling at his grandmother for not letting the pizza rolls cool enough before putting them in his mouth. Every text message with him contains no less than 2,056 emojis featuring every emotion, item of food, and mythological creature Apple included in its most recent update. He is the guy that defends the plights of Justin Beiber and Chris Brown with the same reverence that one would speak about Martin Luther King Jr. or The Walking Dead before it started to get all convoluted and aimless with its plot and what the fuck was that whole Glenn thing about anyway? He is the human equivalent of room temperature coffee. He is an episode of Empire without Cookie.

He is a Fuckboy

Sketch Artist Rendering

Let me be clear: even though we’re using the gendered noun “boy” within Fuckboy, both genders can have Fuckboy tendencies. It is a movement/mindset/shit-based pattern of behavior that refuses to be constrained by who has what set of genitals. Caitlyn Jenner could be a Fuckboy and have a fully functional flame retarded vagina for all the word means, but I digress. To be perfectly honest, in the same sense that watching a commercial about shower soap around your ex-con of an uncle counts as a trigger for a violent (but sad) outburst during thanksgiving, this is pretty much your fault from jump. No one just finds themselves in a relationship with a Fuckboy by accident and Katherine Heigl-level romantic comedy hijinks. It is not accident for which you can expect a claims adjuster to visit your house. You got got. As the elected emissary of Fuckboys like to say “them boys up to something” and that something is Olympic competition level simp behavior. Something you should be acutely aware of by age 25 and have learned to avoid like a Tyga mixtape. But you didn’t. You may have gotten caught during a weak period in your life. Family drama? Money struggles causing too much stress to focus on the ever present threats lurking in your Instagram DMs? Haven’t had sex in 6 months and you’re 2 disappointing masturbation sessions away chucking the deuces and joining a monastery in eastern Tibet? Whatever the reason you can NEVER let your guard down around these OBEY wearing Nick Jonas-headbanging jackals. Much like bad credit and full blown AIDS, they tend to be things that we acquire when we’re not cognizant of the consequences inherent within inattention. However theres no need to sweat out your perm just yet. We can help you develop an immunity to bitchmade. An avoidance to ain’t shit niggas. We can make you Fuckboy kryptonite.

Step 1: Give a Fuck About Yourself. Seriously.

I don’t remember doing this. Who the fuck is breaking into my house drawing hearts? Is this blood?

As previously mentioned, what makes someone a potential victim of the common Fuckboy can be narrowed down to the fundamentals of one’s self esteem. How the fuck do YOU feel about YOU? Lowered self-esteem is trail of blood by which the Fuckboy can track his prey. It also allows for one to tolerate unforgivable levels of simp behavior for no other reason than you thinking that you could do no better. That this is normal. Allowing that treatment of yourself and your time is as normal as suspecting that Oscar winning actress Geena Davis has broken into your house, taken a shit, and hid said shit in one of your air vents.

There’s no reason to believe such a thing on such a consistent basis is what I mean.(Unless,of course, you said something about her teeth…)

Step 2: Get Some Perspective

Street Meditation: For when personal enlightenment and casual suicide attempts are indistinguishable!

Have you ever paid $300 for a VHS tape of Sister Act 2: Back in The Habit? Traded a MacBook for a Sega Genesis with NO controllers? Then why the fuck would you trade your irreplaceable time and faith in humanity for the patented flaky and unreliable behavior that defines FuckBoys and their supporters? For all the hyperbole and (insanely clever) insights, the defining trait of a Fuckboy is not their clothes or whatever they choose to listen to-its their actions. Its their lack of an ability to either appreciate the inherent value in a person or the need to definitively head off whatever bullshit expectations that may be floating around you and their shared nexus of fuckery. It’s a shame,really.

Step 3: There Are No Steps That Can Ever Help You Properly Value YOU

There’s nothing here or anywhere that can build yourself up for you. Unfortunately,even in the age of Apple Watches, 3D printers, and whatever Klingon technology is responsible for Madonna still having a functional vagina you cannot outsource personal fulfillment. The discontent that you feel about yourself and your life can manifest in an incalculable amount of ways. The proper techniques for dealing with them are only for you and God to figure out and Republican presidential candidates alone are enough to keep God busy. So that just leaves you to deal with the mess that exists in all of us and allows the potential for Fuckboy victimhood as well as Fuckboy tendencies. Get a hobby, pursue a lifelong dream, get an XBOX Live account and buy Call Of Duty. Just do whatever it is that you need to do to realign the focus on yourself. It may not work or it will. Either way, it’ll be time devoted to the only person that can make you feel better.

Originally published at

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