The Rape That Keeps On Giving: The Trials And Tribulations Of Bill Cosby

This man is a veritable pinata of heinous crimes and social commentary. An everlasting fountain that only nourishes male entitlement, diminishing concern for consent, and the ability to manufacture a kindly grandpa public image while simultaneously being charged for amassing a list of victims longer than the list of medications Charlie Sheen ingests on a daily basis just to keep his dick from exploding. (Pro Tip: Unlike Charlie Sheen, you should see a doctor long before your dick resembles Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony.) Anyone who’s gone on the internet since 2014 already knows what this geriatric fuck whistle has been doing in between giving self-righteous lectures and creating an entire generation of children with Type-2 Diabetes. (I dare you to eat five Jello Pudding Cups in a row and if your heart doesn’t stop, I promise that the resulting sugar overload will make you see God.)

I, like anyone else with even the vaguest idea about the longstanding friends with benefits relationship money and the American criminal justice system maintain, fully expected this walking kaleidoscope of sexual assault to be absolved of all charges faster than middle America can scream “THUG!!” at whatever TV screen is currently depicting Cam Newton. Surprisingly enough, it would seem that the mighty Cosby is subject to the same rules of conduct that the rest of us follow in order to participate in a civilised society. In the interest of reiterating what should already be so obvious that even Stevie Wonder in a snowstorm could see it: YOU CAN’T GO AROUND DRUGGING PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE WE LIKED YOUR SWEATERS IN THE 80’s, MR. COSBY!!!. NBC News Reports:

“A Pennsylvania judge ruled Wednesday that a sexual assault case against Bill Cosby can move forward after finding that a 2005 decision not to charge him with a crime doesn’t stop prosecutors from putting him on trial now.
The actor’s lawyers claimed that the Montgomery County District Attorney’s office made a no-prosecution deal a decade ago that is still in force, but the current DA argued it wasn’t a binding agreement.
After a two-day hearing, the judge decided not to toss out a charge of aggravated indecent assault against the 78-year-old comedian, setting the stage for a trial.
The charge stems from allegations by Andrea Constand that Cosby drugged and molested her at his home in the Philadelphia suburbs in 2004.
Cosby’s lead defense attorney, Brian McMonagle, declined to say Wednesday whether he will appeal the judge’s decision, but Cosby’s attorneys have that option

I’m glad that the modern interpretation of jurisprudence protects against what inherently amounts to a former DA making a “super duper legit pinky promise not to prosecute, kay pal? Swearsies!” My cheery disposition aside, I’m glad to see this turn of events transpire even though it may be half a century later than one would hope. You know the saying: “Better late than never, but not really cause fuck that guy! I hope he gets a push pop in the boom boom while in prison. It’ll give him a better definition of empathy better than any dictionary every could!”


Originally published at fukette.com.

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