Things Rob Schneider Can Do Instead Of Whitesplaining Black History.

* Volunteer at your local library. Your service can be anything from administrative tasks to making sure each piece of reading material is in accordance with the Dewey Decimal System. Not only will this be a boon to your community, but also provide you with the chance to research the instances in which White People unnecessarily inserted themselves into matters concerning people of color and the unfortunate consequences that followed.

* Join a local gym that focuses on teaching kickboxing to novices. Not only would you get an opportunity to learn about a practice that puts an emphasis on self-discipline and forethought, but there’s a high possibility of you getting front kicked in the teeth thereby making this entire article moot.

* Throat-fuck a Dyson V6 Motorhead Cordless Vacuum Cleaner.

* Sign up for the free online classes offered by MIT that aim to teach people how to code. Not only is it a valuable tool as we become more dependent on technology in regards to functioning in modern society, but it will also give you inside knowledge on how ill-thought fuckery is immortalized on social platforms like Twitter and anywhere else someone decides to show their ass on a public forum.

* Join witness protection under the stipulation that they change your address, name, facial features, and even orchestrate an entirely new backstory complete with a cover family as it will add an extra layer of realism. Of course, all of this will be in the efforts of making sure Adam Sandler does not have any means of contacting you so you could be in another one of the cinematic Hiroshimas he calls a movie.

* Learn how to reupholster vintage furniture. You can add an extra fashionable aesthetic to an otherwise drab space while cultivating the visual metaphor of your apparent desperation about transforming a piece from being a discarded bit player in an ensemble of unquestionable garbage to something slightly adjacent to relevance.

* Having all the seats from now on until the end of eternity.

* Candle Making. Suprisingly, it’s actually very enjoyable.

* Start a home-brewing kit in your garage. After studious commitment and some degree of trial and error, you could eventually market and subsequently profit from your beer making endeavors. At that point, people will begin to associate you and your brand with refreshingly tasty beers instead of movies with all the hilarity of a pediatric cancer ward or tweets emblematic of an intellect irreparably damaged from years of proximity to scripts written by Adam Sandler.

* Contact your primary care physician in regards to making appointments for routine check-ups. Men of a certain age have to be vigilant since they are at risk of certain neurological, cardiatric, and, especially, colo-rectal illnesses. In your case, colo-rectal illnesses should be a chief concern considering most of your publicly stated opinions originate from within the depths of your cavernous asshole.

Like what you read? Give Jeremiah Timmons a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.