Fuck Fake Friends

Make Real Ones.

What constitutes a “real friend” versus an acquaintance?

Someone you’ve known for a while? Someone who shares your interests? Someone who keeps your secrets? All of the above?

Recently, I had the opportunity to grab coffee with someone I would consider a long-time friend. We met to talk about something she said that rubbed me the wrong way.

Like most times, what was said didn’t really matter. It was the underlying issue that needed attention.

From my perspective, the inherent problem was that we didn’t know each other as well as I would’ve hoped after all of these years.

How man years exactly? I can’t say for sure, but somewhere around 5 years. It’s clear that this disconnect wasn’t due to the length of our friendship.

It also couldn’t be blamed on a lack of interests. Even though we are two different people, we both enjoy music, food, and traveling.

After talking face-to-face for a while over coffee, I realized why we didn’t understand each other:

We had never created the right environment for both of us to open up and be vulnerable.

In other words, we hadn’t had enough “quality time” together.

In this day and age, everyone seems to suffer from an inherent lack of time.

This isn’t an issue of being “too busy.” This time scarcity stems from a mismanagement of priorities.

In my life, I tend to prioritize the quality of my relationships instead of the quantity, and the only way to build quality relationships is to spend quality time together.

Quality time can look like different things to different people; however, there is one key ingredient necessary no matter what you choose to do:

Vulnerability.

Now that all of the hyper-masculine douchebags have stopped reading, let me dig a little deeper.

The friends in my life I consider to be closest are the ones who have reciprocated vulnerability.

For the most part, I’m an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face. Sometimes, it may take asking the right question, but there are few topics (if any) that I am unwilling to discuss with others.

Because of this level of vulnerability, I am also used to being the butt of most jokes. Thanks to a supportive (yet challenging) group of friends, I’ve developed a relatively thick skin and can take most kinds of criticism.

The one thing I can’t take is when someone doesn’t take me seriously.

For those friends of mine who have taken “quality time” to get to know me, they are aware of this trigger. They know I take what I do very seriously.

The tricky part is that I don’t necessarily take myself all that seriously.

Admittedly, navigating these boundaries can be extremely tough. With my openness comes a personality that can be misconstrued as immature, flippant, and easily dismissible. There is also a certain level of expectation.

The only way to maneuver successfully is to be vulnerable with me and learn those boundaries over time.

I’m sure you can relate.

If you find yourself looking for more depth in your relationships, try setting aside more quality time with each of your friends.

If they do in fact care, they will prioritize that time and eventually feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable.

If they don’t, well, they probably aren’t worth the hassle.

Do you have real friends? How have you built those relationships? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or on Twitter at @williamfrazr.

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