People You Meet @ Coworking Centers

The “Corporate Transition” Coach

You may not know what their job title means, but you know exactly what they do, mainly because they talk about it. All. Of. The. Time.

They were able to break the chains of corporate America and they’ll help you do the same. That is, if you’re willing to receive overpriced advice via Skype while they’re sipping Coronas on a beach in Cabo or skiing in Vale with other “coaches.”

When they are actually at work, you hear them speaking in hashtags, such as #riseandgrind and #pursueyourpassion. Now if only they knew how to use Twitter…

The Growth Hacker

Whatever you do for a living, they have a quicker, more efficient way that renders you obsolete.

Are you having trouble growing your followers on Twitter? They aren’t. They have completely automated social media using Javascript and some probiotics you can’t even pronounce (you’re still convinced these are just cocaine in tablet-form). Working on the website for your new app?

They have something to say from the colors you use affecting “conversion rates” to choosing the wrong KPIs (Key Performance Indicators) to your customer acquisition cost still being too high. Thanks to them, there’s an Amazon Dash button on the toilette whenever you run out of toilette paper.

The Tech Startup CEO

Obsessed with delusions of grandeur, they’re the founder and CEO of a startup that creates smart bedding, smart watches, smart anything.

There’s a good chance whenever you ask them a question, they’ll quote The Art of War by Sun Tzu. You’ll frequently hear them refer to their team as “disposable” and “a means to an end.”

Hell-bent on “disrupting” not only their own industry but every industry known to man, they won’t stop until they’ve monopolized technology. And humans. Period.

The Interns

This nameless dynamic duo is never apart. Whether it’s 1pm or 4am, they are glossy-eyed and speak a mile-per-minute thanks to the countless cans of Redbull you constantly find in the trash.

They eagerly prove themselves to anyone who will give them a chance. Need a flier designed? Done. Shooting a Kickstarter video? Piece of cake. Forgot to pick up condoms for your next Tinder date? Hell, they’ll even throw in a pack of Mentos.

From fetching coffee to fixing your hard drive, you can count on them for just about anything. Just don’t expect too much when their acute ADD and dreams of influencer stardom take over — they’re looking for their next chance to “blow up” on Snapchat.

The Freelancer

Every time you come into work, they’re set up somewhere completely different. Yesterday, it was the shared table on the third floor. Today, it’s on the couch next to the kitchen. Tomorrow? Probably posting up on the toilette in the first-floor bathroom.

Since they’re always on the phone talking their client off a ledge, their business is your business. You can still remember that one time they forgot to fix that sexually-loaded typo on their pharmaceutical client’s billboard.

To this day, you can’t decide if their Warby Parkers are prescription or if they wear them to appear smarter than they really are. Either way, when you need help choosing a font for your new website, they’ll have a strong opinion on why you should choose Proxima Nova over Proxima Nova Soft — it just feels right.

The Wantrepreneur

You wonder if they know there isn’t actually a dress code, considering they come to work wearing a pants suit every single day. They took the leap and left their cubicle job to start pursuing their true passion: creating “sustainable” kitty litter boxes.

Even though they joined almost a year ago, the scars of corporate America are still with them. They’re always hanging out by the kombucha cooler, eager to shoot the shit with anyone who will make eye contact.

They insist on bringing a sheet cake to work to celebrate birthdays each month, and they’ve given a lunch-and-learn on the benefits of PowerPoint and Excel (three times to be exact).

The Developer

You only see them when they take a few seconds to grab another cup of coffee, only to retreat back into their high-tech cocoon of EDM and vertical monitors. Their 360-degree screen setup makes The Matrix look like your first Easy-Bake Oven.

They pump out lines of code faster than the AK-47 they use to annihilate noobs on Call Of Duty at 3am in the morning after demolishing a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and 2 packs of double-stuffed Oreos.

They may not be the most approachable person, but in order to build the next Facebook, Twitter, or even update your computer, you’ll need their help.

The Alternative Healer

Remember that kombucha from before? You can thank them for installing a monthly keg of different flavors ranging from Jade Oolong Plum Blossom Elderberry to what you’re sure is pure vinegar, cat pee, and carbonation.

You’ve tried attending their weekly Bikram yoga session, but after the first session, you’re convinced they are a sadist who pumps eucalyptus oil and chili powder into the air for fun.

Their claim to fame is a series of healing stones that “balance the body” and “awakens psychic abilities.” They’re from Portland. Nuff said.

The Foreigner

There’s always that one member who’s from an undisclosed part of the world who seems to slightly change accents day-to-day.

You don’t know anything about them: where they’re from, what they actually do, where they go when they’re gone weeks at a time, or whether or not they have actually killed someone.

What you do know is how much their wrath of ping pong stings. The few times you’ve been brave (i.e. drunk) enough to play them, you feel like you’re watching China in the Olympics. And you’re the USA…junior division.

Underneath their calm demeanor is a profoundly insightful person who delivers random tidbits of advice in the nick of time.

The Cyborg

OK, they may not be an ACTUAL cyborg, but they are in the process of building one using 3D printing and tools you’ve never even heard of.

They don’t seem to sleep and you’re convinced they plug in each night to recharge. When you do catch them napping, you can usually find them in a random storage closet.

The few times you’ve gotten drunk together at the monthly happy hour, they’ve gone off on rants about how humanity will ultimately defeat itself using artificial intelligence and how much they enjoy performing Alanis Morissette during karaoke. True story.

The Idea Person

We all know and find them slightly annoying. You’re minding your own business when all of a sudden they’re going off about another one of their “million-dollar” ideas.

The coworking center needs interns? What if there was a service that allowed you to rent and share interns with other members? They swear “Renternshippers” will be a thing next month. Looking for a local brunch place that creates wacky omelettes? “Nomelettes” is still in the works due to “lack of funding.”

How the fuck does this person actually make money?!

The Videographer

Do you have that friend who will literally Snapchat every single second you two are together? Imagine that, but with a Sony HXR-MC2500E AVCHD Camcorder. We’re talking about those cameras you have to carry over your shoulder. They somehow haul it around wherever they go.

Did you see the new guy eat dirt down two flights of stairs?! They did. And they’ll play it back in slow-mo, with color correction and a vintage filter.

ou’ve complained about their blatant disregard for privacy, especially in the bathroom, but they swear it’s for the “sake of art.”

Wait a second, shouldn’t someone go check on the new guy and see if he needs to go to the hospital?

Did I forget anyone? Who else do you come across at coworking centers? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or on Twitter at @williamfrazr.

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