Improve your life or die trying

Be Better, Not Bitter!

E Humor
Funny/Humor/Satire
Published in
4 min readFeb 5, 2024

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Build a better YOU through science (and investments)!

Anxious? Have extra cash? Illustration by Dall-E and mE

Feeling depressed about your crummy life? Can’t stand your job, in-laws, your wife or husband, and every one of your rotten no-good kids? Or are you still single because your dating app profile lists the doldrums as your favorite musical instrument?

We at Better Bitter Enterprises (our motto is Be Better, not Bitter for those who haven’t yet received the brochure in the mail) know how you feel!

How do we know? We have specialty AI bots scour your social media posts and interview your employer, family, and your neighbors. Even your credit report is reviewed. We use this information to find the perfect sad sack that will jump at the chance to let us improve their lives. For a small fee, of course. Please see the brochure for prices.

Many of you ask us, “Better Bitter, how can you improve my horrible life? How can you make me — an unhappy, sorry, heartbroken, despondent, melancholy, gloomy, heartsick morbid person, into a cheerful, hopeful, and joyful human being?”

First, let me say, okay, we get it. Please put away the Thesaurus.

We at Better Bitter have a simple method of improving lives by using the Perspective Method (trademark pending).

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E Humor
Funny/Humor/Satire

Funny is your friend. Humor laughs with us. Satire is an anatomically correct robot.