Difficulty of Olympic Events According to My Unemployed Roommate, Tyler.
My roommate, Tyler, has been going through the wringer recently. Failed relationship, lost his job, and he got banned on Tinder (justifiably so). The main thing right now, though, is that he’s having a really difficult time looking for work. He says it’s because of the economy that Biden created, I say it’s because every time he actually lands a job interview, he goes in wearing ironic T-shirts like “I Paused My Video Game to Be Here” or “In My Defense, I was Left Unsupervised”, or, the worst of them all, which he wears the most often because he says it gives him confidence, this one:
If you’d believe it, the American Express Marketing Department wasn’t wowed by that attire.
Anyways, in being unemployed, Tyler has had a whole lot of free time to watch the Olympics! Very exciting. All of the countries in the world — some of which Tyler has way out-of-line, not cool comments about — competing for glory! It’s awe-inspiring stuff.
I’ve caught a few events with Tyler, and he always gives his thoughts on how he would do in whichever sport we’re watching. So, without further ado, here is the definitive list of Difficulty of Olympic Events, as ranked by my Unemployed Roommate, Tyler.
Pole Vault
Upon seeing somebody hit the bar at 5.85 meters (~19 feet), Tyler said he “would’ve dodged it better”.
I said, “What?”
And he said, “Go up and dodge the bar. Doesn’t seem too fucking complicated to me.”
I said, “Actually, it is really hard. And why are you using language like that?”
And he responded, “Cuz he’s cool.” Then, he tried to do a ‘rock on’ sign with his hand, but when he moved, he banged his arm against the side of the chair, hit his funny bone really hard, and folded over into his lap for about two minutes while he dealt with the pain.
I’m pretty sure he was crying, but he said he wasn’t.
Boxing
He told me that he’d be a gold medalist because whenever he’s in a fight, then “the beast comes out” (his words)
I asked him if he’d ever been in a real fight, and he said, “No, but if I ever was in one, I’d definitely win.”
I told him that the boxers who have trained their whole lives probably have an advantage over him — a man who claims to just know how to “take a joker down” (again, his words)
And he countered that by explaining that he’d play dirty. Below-the-Belt Shots. Drop Kicks. Throwing Handfuls of Loose Sand in his Opponent’s Eyes.
I said, “You can’t do that.” And then he said, “I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m Tyler.” and then he looked at me with a devilish smirk as if what he just said meant anything to me.
It did not.
Hurdles
“Oh, you have to run AND jump? Big fucking whoop. I do that shit when I’m wasted,” spoke Tyler.
This was a good time, I felt, to bring up my concern with the recent increase in his drinking habits. He told me he could stop anytime he wanted to and that if he wanted somebody to nag him, he would’ve stayed with his “bitch ex” (I don’t like typing that, but those are his words)
And I said, “You know, I actually liked your ex. She seemed good for you. And didn’t the relationship end because you cheated on her?”
And then he said, “I’m tired of all this fucking horseshit.” and went on his phone and just kept going on Instagram, scrolling for a little bit, closing it, and then immediately reopening it.
And I said, “I know you’re not doing anything on your phone, Tyler. Don’t you want to talk about that relationship? You really changed a lot after it ended.”
And he said, “I’ve never been happier, actually,” but his voice cracked a little bit when he said ‘actually,’ and then he said he had to take a shower, but I think he just used the noise of the water hitting the tub as a mask to cover his crying, because he came out and his eyes were red and his hair was bone dry, dude. Bone dry. If you take a shower, your hair gets wet, and his hair was bone fucking dry.
The Heptathlon
Even though this sport is women-only, Tyler still felt the need to comment on how he would perform.
He said it looked super easy. “Run in a circle and then high jump over a stick and then throw a disc? How can one person do so much!?”
He was really sarcastic about it. I didn’t appreciate it because I like watching that sport.
I said, “Tyler, these women are world-class athletes,” and then he said, “More like Athe-CHEATS,” and he looked really proud of himself after he said it. He thought it was, like, a really groundbreaking pun or something, I guess, but I didn’t really get it.
Unfortunately, my next decision was to ask for clarification.
I said, “What does that mean?” and then he got really serious and said, “The sport used to have athletes before they started letting men compete as women,” and I said, “What a cool moment to make a controversial political statement, Tyler” and then he called me a liberal and started smoking cigarettes inside.
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And those are all the events that I watched with Tyler. He really adds another level of “inspiring” to the Olympics, doesn’t he?
This guy really sucks, and I want him out of my house. If anyone can help me with that, please let me know.
Thanks. Bye.
