Donald Trump Is Terrified Of Prison, And Turning Into A Recluse

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Donald Trump has reportedly not reacted well to his various indictments and criminal investigations and is increasingly worried, paranoid, scared, and jumpy anytime he hears a sudden noise, which makes him jump up and scream, “The FBI is here! Flush all the classified documents down the toilets! Run!”

We can add this fear to Trump’s other extensive list of fears and phobias:

1. His father’s brutal, emotional abuse and psychological coldness. Several times throughout every hour of every day, his father’s voice rings inside his head, shouting, “You’re a f*cking loser, Donald! Everyone knows you’re a fraud!”
2. Public humiliation of any kind to the point that he tried to violently end American democracy and publicly hang Mike Pence rather than admit he lost the election and Joe Biden would be replacing him as president.
3. Sharks, oceans, and water in general. He hasn’t entirely submerged himself into any body of water since the 1970s, particularly because, once he started balding, his elaborate hair combover and follicle implants started taking two hours and a full can of hair spray to mold into a shape roughly resembling normal hair.
4. The unveiled reality that he is not rich and has been beholden to foreign oligarchs laundering blood money through Trump Tower and his other international properties all along. He is terrified the interpreter from his private meetings with Vladimir Putin as president will leak details of how he begged Putin for loans in exchange for selling out Ukraine and changing Republicans’ sentiments regarding loyalty and blood-brother commitment to NATO.
5. One of his many wives or mistresses poisoning him. He has Barron try any drinks or foods Melania gives him as insurance against Melania spiking it with hemlock, arsenic, or some other deadly toxin.
6. Barron and Melania mocking him in Slovenian. Every time he enters the room, she points at his crotch, and they laugh, saying, “Goba v hlačah!” Melania has dozens of compromising photos of him naked and has given several to Barron to keep in both his wallet and several security boxes in multiple banks to save as an insurance policy to stay in the will after the inevitable divorce.
7. His children ruthlessly fighting over whatever he leaves behind because, despite tacky appearances of luxury, it won’t be much. He worries Ivanka will dismember Eric and Don Jr. and then mail the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*ck with her. Ivanka was a big murderer of animals as a child and choked out the cat his first wife got them when they were little. She then smeared the cat’s blood all over her body and told Eric, “Someday, I will do this to you, too, only I’ll make you suffer much more than Sprinkles suffered!”
8. His hairline’s ongoing betrayal. His biggest regrets are the various hair implant procedures he desperately tried out back in the 80s before they were effective or cosmetically sound, which ruined his scalp.
9. Having more business meltdowns like Trump Vodka, his Taj Mahal casino, and the Trump Shuttle airline. He does, however, think Trump Steaks would have sold better if they came with pre-packaged, freeze-dried ketchup on them like he wanted. He tells anyone who will listen that all his business failures were always because of other people, and often launches into long rants listing laundry lists of all the people whose fault his business failures are other than his own.
10. Donald Jr. ruining the Donald Trump name after he dies. He wishes he had instead named Ivanka “Donaldina” as his eponymous heir because she is not a total idiot, reject, and failure at everything she does like Don Jr. is. Ivanka also isn’t addicted to drugs like Don Jr. because she has fewer negative daddy issues on account of his incestual physical attraction to her since her teenage years, which meant she got a lot of attention, praise, and emotional validation while growing up, unlike Don Jr., who was regularly yelled at and slapped in front of his friends.
11. All the future films and TV series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, facial appearance, vanity, and gluttony of personality vices. He’s particularly worried about a Quentin Tarantino film featuring a historically revisionist ending a la Inglourious Basterds. He wishes there was some way to sue people and litigiously enforce non-disclosure agreements from the grave.
12. He doesn’t know how or why, but confident women make him feel small and weak. Maybe because in his college days, his hot female classmates all made it a school-wide game to stand him up on dates and kept a notebook cataloging all these embarrassments, as well as the number of times he was caught trying to sneak into women’s bathrooms and locker rooms, but he can’t help hating strong, independent women. He has frequent, emasculating nightmares about Megyn Kelly, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, and Liz Cheney.
13. All the people he has forced or bribed into signing nondisclosure agreements spilling their secrets all at once because he can’t sue them all at the same time.

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