SATIRE (?)

Our University Guarantees Your Freedom of Speech (Unless We Disagree With You)

Your voice is your right! Maybe!

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Dear University Community,

We’re writing to address concerns about our recent responses to the anti-war sit-in on campus. As your administration, we hear you and would like to shine a more accurate light on our actions.

As you know, our campus maintains an unconditional, steadfast commitment to free speech and expression of any views. To clear up any miscommunication, however, we’ve added some clarification to this policy in the campus bylaws:

Section 4.1.5: Free speech and peaceful assembly, even dissenting opinions, are always protected and encouraged on Campus.*

*Unless:

• We don’t fully agree with you.
• We partially don’t agree with you.
• We potentially might not agree with you at some point in the future. Maybe.
• Your protest is very loud.
• Your protest is a little loud.
• Your peaceful sit-in is an eyesore.
• You’re protesting at unideal angles for our promotional materials photographer.
• You didn’t offer us some of…