DADA!

US Republicans Demand The French Olympics Be More Like Arkansas

And this week’s other Dada News headlines!

Photo by Rebecca Ritchie on Unsplash

• The French Olympic Committee apologized to American conservatives for featuring drag queens in the opening ceremony and said the closing ceremony will feature couches and dolphins because US conservatives are into those.
• A homophobic televangelist from Arkansas claims if Kamala Harris is elected, “Democrats will ensure the next Olympics will be 100% pagan and bring back traditional naked wrestling so devout Christian Americans will be forced to see wrestlers’ testicles rubbing against each other’s faces.”
• A Fox News host claims “Satan has conquered the Paris Olympics with an army of drag queens,” and all the gold medals from now on will “only be awarded for butt stuff.”
• Donald Trump claims it’s “fraud” for Democrats to switch candidates, and he’s going to sue the DNC for $5 billion.
• After President Biden announced his intentions to drop out of the presidential race, Donald Trump reportedly spent the next morning screaming, “It’s unfair!” all morning at Mar-a-Lago.
• Stephen Miller is reportedly furious Democrats switched candidates, and now Kamala Harris’s approval ratings are soaring because he’s now worried Trump will lose and he won’t get an opportunity to create human centipedes out of immigrants about to be deported.
• Donald Trump is reportedly worried that Kamala Harris will do what he wanted Mike Pence to do on January 6th and ensure she wins every electoral vote because that’s what he would do if he were the vice president.
• Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to suspect his hubris has finally caught up to him.
• So far, thirteen white GOP candidates for Congress have accidentally tweeted out posts from their main accounts saying something like, “As a Black man, I will NEVER vote for Kamala.”
• Neo-Nazis are reportedly furious with Donald Trump for picking a VP candidate whose kids aren’t pure white and are threatening not to join the next coup attempt if Trump loses.
• Donald Trump is reportedly pissed because he was sleeping at the GOP convention when J.D. Vance’s wife spoke, and he only just now learned that Vance’s wife and kids are Indian.
• Project 2025 says Trump will reform the Department of Education by replacing all public school sex ed courses with a 30-minute video of Stephen Miller describing various STDs.
• Donald Trump is reportedly furious that people are making fun of his VP candidate for banging a couch.
• J.D. Vance was attacked by a stray cat tonight as he was getting into his Secret Service vehicle after his event.
• Ron DeSantis is reportedly excited about J.D. Vance’s couch banging and dolphin smut watching rumors because now he’s not the weirdest guy of the election anymore.
• The Senate IT guy says it’s worth it to lose his job over leaking JD Vance’s browser history.
• Fox News is calling for french fries to be called “freedom fries” again after the French Olympics opening ceremony featured a drag queen.
• J.D. Vance’s first girlfriend, who broke his heart in college, had three cats.
• For the second day in a row, a stray cat bit J.D. Vance at a campaign event.
• A new TikTok trend involves Gen Z teens leaving open cat food tins and catnip all around Trump-Vance campaign offices so stray cats start hanging around.
• J.D. Vance has reportedly refused to let CNN investigate his couch at home with a black light.
• Pranksters have left a dozen couches along the sidewalk in front of Mar-a-Lago.
• A judge in Florida says Donald Trump’s excessive use of makeup qualifies him as a drag queen according to the text of the state’s new strict anti-drag law, and therefore pictures of Trump MUST be banned from all public schools.

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