Lawyers
Q: I need a legal advice. How much will it cost me?
A: I charge $500 bucks for 3 questions.
Q: Is it not a bit steep?
A: Yes it is. Now, what is your third question?
Standing in line, rubbing the shoulders of the guy in front of me.
Lawyer: What are you doing? He exclaims!
Um, no worries, I’m a professional, I have chiropractic diploma.
Lawyer: So What! I have a law degree! Do you see me robbing the guy in front of me?
At the memorial service, rich’s man will reads, “I ask 3 of my best friends to pay respects by depositing cash money to my coffin. Upon completion, I shall leave my estate to you.”
The three men: an Executive, a Doctor, and a Lawyer decided to each contribute 100K due to substantial estate amount.
Some time after the memorial service —
Executive: I have a confession to make, I only deposited 1/2 of the amount we agreed upon, my company’s stock really took a hit recently.
Doctor: I too have a confession to make. I only deposit 1/4 of what we agreed, my practice is not doing that great either.
Lawyer: I am ashamed for both of you. I deposited the full amount by check.
My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated and is suing them for wasting seven years of his life.
Good lawyer can drag cases for several years. The best of the lawyers will make it last even longer.
A guy dies and goes to Heaven, thinking to himself “I’m too young to die!”
Saint Peters: Hmm, you’re a Lawyer, and according to your billable hours calculations, you’re over 100 years old.
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”
What happens when a lawyer is made a Godfather?
. . . He makes you an offer you can’t understand.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers’ club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers; we had $100 when we broke in!”
Malborn sat in his attorney’s office: “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked Malborn incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
The trouble with lawyer jokes are: Lawyers don’t think they are funny, and other people don’t think they are jokes!
