The art of endings on the Future Leaders Scheme (FLS)
When the thing that was meant to change your life doesn’t change your life
“Future Leaders Scheme is building a diverse, robust pipeline to senior roles. You’re part of the high potential, talented civil servants who can get there.”
The Future Leaders Scheme (FLS) is one of the UK Civil Service’s Accelerated Development Schemes, aimed at high-potential grade 6 and 7 civil servants. You can read my previous reflections on the scheme here:
Hello dear reader,
I’ve also been thinking about this piece for a few weeks, wondering what to write. I’ve got all kinds of thoughts swirling around. I wanted to get them down here to you before I leave the scheme, before the lens of looking back sets in. I had a plan to write you something important about leadership and its tensions. But instead, I am penning this.
So, here goes.
This blog post consists of errant thoughts that don’t neatly fit into the boxes of each module.
The story I will tell, about what it’s like on the scheme, is mine and mine alone.
“To public servants everywhere: Don’t give up.” — Jennifer Pahlka, Recoding America: Why Government Is Failing in the Digital Age
I think about my story often. These last few years on the scheme, I’ve been in a kind of fog. Sometimes I struggle with what to say about it. My energy has been directed towards survival such that there isn’t really bandwidth for anything else. The need for me to protect my inner world grew the longer I stayed. But as my time here ends, I’m getting to a point where I have some clarity. I am finally figuring out what stays constant.
You see, I’ve discovered I have a sense of self separate to my environment here, perhaps even the Civil Service. I haven’t always. But I’ve become more concrete over the years. I’m still fresh and dewy as the day I joined the Civil Service a decade ago. I still have an intense drive to serve. And I’m still dreaming and scheming, even after all this time.
I’m connecting and listening, despite all the chaos I’m submerged in. I’m loyal to a fault. I find it really hard to respond to my own needs. I am deeply interested in human motivation. I like the glimmer of poetry within other people. The beauty, burden, bliss of being in service. Importantly, I trust the in between space. After all, it’s where everything actually lives.
This story is my story. But if you see your story here, too, then my wish is it gives yours voice, nourishes your soul, makes you feel more connected, and above all, offers you hope.
Still the same me, again
I don’t know what, exactly, I thought the scheme would be like. I do know that I didn’t expect it to feel like this. I was set to believe the scheme would in some way positively change my life. I am working on letting go of what was supposed to be my identity. In untangling myself from that future, it is the last piece that I’m holding onto. I’ve realised that slowness is conflated with stuckness here. Because who am I without my ambition?
I have been ruminating on how this journey has changed me. And has it? Decisively, yes. It made my life much slower and smaller. When this place and all it entails becomes your identity, all sense of self comes crashing down at the slightest wobble. And now I’ve done this supposedly life-changing thing, it has had me reflecting about the choices I’ve made. Could I have learned about the scheme another way? I don’t think so. I also had to know that I actually could do it, that the goal was not out of reach forever.
I’ve found fatigue of the scheme settles deep in my soul. Because this place has me running up against the edges of myself. I tried to fill the shape of the container I was given here. I edited and moulded the way I showed up. Because remaining invisible felt safer sometimes. Maybe everyone feels that way here. But I’m still the same old me. Wherever I went, there I was. Perhaps I’m learning to accept who I’ve always been, you know?
Making the unknown, known
I’m oscillating between a never-ending duality of wanting to be done with the scheme and just wanting to write some more about what happens here. To indulge in the desire to grasp those confounding moments. I guess this is my way of saying that it’s hard to move on with the memories.
When I’m writing, I develop the sense of clarity I need to navigate this place. It means I’m able to show up again and again. Though I’ve found the dance of knowing when to share and when to take a break, when to rest and when to push, not easy. And I’m constantly in the grip of my own internal narratives: internal judgement, fear, and self-criticism.
I found myself in the place of daring to make the unknown, known. I need to be able to tell a story of where I have come from and to where I will lead. So, I’m writing this to remind you that when you are in environments that start to shape you, be cognisant of how easy it is to loosen your grip on protecting your inner world.
As I persevered through the scheme, everything became more seductive. The exclusivity, the personal branding, the identity. It’s what set me apart from others. But there were constant, subtle reminders: whatever you do in being authentic, don’t you dare fail to conform to the norms.
No experience, no matter how enticing, should replace your sense of self. Because there is no supplement for looking inwards, for knowing who you are. No one can do this for you. It is an act of service, to yourself and those around you. After all, we’re better people when we are living intentionally.
Going boldly
“The ultimate, hidden truth of the world is that it is something that we make, and could just as easily make differently.” — David Graeber
To speak is still a bold act.
I have no idea what I’m doing here, or for what purpose. Perhaps it will be my life’s work to help people feel brave enough to take action, to realise their agency. Because what we need, more than anything, in public service is to make plausible our boldest ideas.
The troubles of today in the Civil Service have been coming for a long time. There are areas where the incentives are failing, and certain behaviours are perpetuated. Amongst them are recruitment, promotion, and leadership development schemes. But finding these areas is easy. Changing them is hard. But I think we must try.
You can read all my reflections on the scheme here:
