Five Things

What I Miss at Keystone

1. I miss all of the friends I made. I had a great time with all of you and I’m feeling a little lonely in South Carolina without you guys.
2. Being able to say whatever was on my mind. Nobody would judge me for whatever I had to say, except maybe the teachers and seniors (fuck ‘em).
3. Getting away with shit that I would get my ass chewed for at my new school. This includes but is not limited to: Eating in class, profanity in class, innuendo in class, acting like a goddamn capuchin monkey on crack riding a hallucinatory llamacorn, and turning in homework weeks late.
4. The tree fort. Oh sweet obese Buddha, that was fun as hell! I came in with (anon) and we built a weight-bearing ladder out of sticks! Holy shit, it was so much easier to get in and out of the tree after that! We have a pulley system and hopefully by the year’s end we’ll also have a permanent hammock.
5. The late start. I get up at 6:40 and leave at 7:30, while you lucky hole stuffers are still asleep in your beds. Except maybe Jessee, he lives far away as fuck. But still, you get the point.

Five

1. The academics. Jesus Confucius and Mahatma Gandhi, they were terrible. Most of the time.
2. Bullshit dress code that was never enforced. I mean seriously, name ONE person that was sent home.
3. Inability to fully explore property. Truly one of my worst pet peeves, I had to come to school on the weekend just to fulfill my curiosity. Yeah it was trespassing, but who the hell’s going to lift a finger? They barely have their shit together enough to respond to emails on a weekly basis, so forget about pressing charges faster than an Alzheimer’s patient on Valium.
4. No phones on break. An absolutely harebrained regulation of cell phones. I don’t care what you admins do, us keystone kids will always find a way around this rule.
5. No basketball during lunch on certain days. Okay let’s all be honest here. This was such a moronic, foolhardy, asinine idea that I’m surprised that it even… wait this is Keystone I’m talking about. OF COURSE I’m not surprised, why not just let the kids who just ate lunch and are now refueled go bounce off the fucking walls and render the teachers certifiably batshit.

Even though I meant just about everything (meaning everything) in this article, take it in good spirit just as I’ve. If you’re offended, feel free to let me know so I can tell you to go fuck yourself. BITE ME CUNTFACES!