Why Donald Trump could be good for space exploration even though he doesn’t give a fuck about science

5x5 “The right stuff” is not a term that springs to mind when you look at Donald Trump, unless you’re thinking of the far right. But there are good reasons why the Great Cheeto may be the best hope for putting human boots on another planet (and the best American-made boots at that).

There’s little doubt that he’ll strip NASA and NOAA of their Earth science budgets, and international collaborations like CERN or ITER will struggle to maintain American involvement, but space exploration — and heroic manned exploration — could find an unlikely ally in a president who’s otherwise threatened by sciencey stalwarts like empirical data and evidence.

1 Trump’s ego needs big projects He may be a man of small hands, but our nearest planetary neighbour is well within Trump’s egosphere. You can’t get much more of an ego-boost than being the president who put the American flag on another planet.

2 Jobs, jobs, jobs Putting a man (Trump would never send a woman) on Mars within four years is almost impossible, even if it was a one-way mission. An Apollo-style project could put boots on the red planet in eight years, though, and the dramatic increase in budget would create a golden shower of jobs into Florida and other crucial election battlegrounds.

3 He’s been talking to Elon Musk Clean power advocate Elon Musk may seem like an unlikely Trumpette, but Musk has had two meetings with Trump since the election, and tweeted his support for the proposed new secretary of state, Rex Tillerson. For all that Trump’s inauguration speech dreamed of rebuilding rust belt industry, he also talked about new technology, and Musk builds his rockets, batteries and cars in America. He’s also well-connected to Peter Thiel, Trump’s right-wing tech adviser.

SpaceX has a roadmap for going to Mars that could fit into a Trump double-presidency, and it’s just the sort of private sector venture that might suit a small-government conservative, instead of giving the job to NASA (even though NASA just outsources to the aerospace industry anyway).

4 He’s friends with Putin When it comes to manned spaceflight, Russia is the only other country with serious experience (China’s getting there, but so slowly it doesn’t count). The International Space Station has kept running throughout the Ukraine crisis and other frosty moments, but with core modules about to mark their 20th birthdays, it’s heading for retirement. So what’s next.

In spite of America First and Russian nationalism, the signs of a superpower bromance between Don and Vlad are hard to ignore. A flagship manned space programme gives both leaders a win at home, and the daily commitment required for successful cooperation in space gives everyone some comfort that the missiles won’t start flying when they have a spat (and with those egos, it’s only a matter of time).

5 He’ll need the boost Trump’s already the least-popular new US president since World War 2, and his next four years could make Obama’s presidency look like a walk in the park. Forget the liberals and the left, he’s got to avoid disappointing his own supporters by delivering an economic miracle, finding the money to pay for the wall (because the Mexicans aren’t going to pay for it), and wiping out Islamic terrorism. Meanwhile, there are criminal charges on the way, the secrecy over his tax affairs almost guarantees they’ll be leaked with disastrous results, and he’s so badly divorced from his own business interests that it can’t go well.

A president on the ropes can do two things to stay in power: go to war, or go into space. War worked for Dubya, but modern conflicts tend to be open-ended expeditions that drag you down in the end — and I don’t want to see Donald’s response to a conflict he can’t control. Trump could deliver jobs and national pride with a commitment to an Apollo-style space mission that gives America’s ageing population the feel of being baby boomers all over again.

Frankly, I’d rather Elon Musk went to Mars on his own terms, and that Trump would just implode as soon as possible, but how strange would it be if the vile oompa-loompa was the man who made humans an interplanetary species?