$PHP = 💩;

Simon Yousoufov
Apr 7, 2017 · 4 min read

It’s well known that PHP is a dead programming language and that its 22-year-old ecosystem is effectively useless now that we have Node and its fancy new asynchronous frameworks. Node’s superiority is evident because everyone knows that single-threaded, asynchronous, programs are better by default. Faster. Stronger, even.

“But Simon! Why?!”, you’re probably yelling at your MacBook screen. Here’s why:

Job Prospects

Here’s some science to back up these claims.

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$caption = ‘PHP devs can\’t find jobs to support their families’;

Language Ecosystem

The overwhelming evidence for Node’s superior ecosystem can be witnessed below.

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$caption = ‘More frameworks is more better’;

Time Breakdown

PHP developers’ inability to contribute to society is made obvious below.

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$caption = ‘Listening to complaints is less productive than complaining. Fact.’;

Things You Can’t do as a PHP Developer

  • Get consistent, easy to use function parameter ordering for standard lib functions
  • Build your own React TODO MVC app boilerplate
  • Server-side rendering with a front end in-browser framework
  • Create your own memory leaks
  • Make whitespace significant
  • Leak data between requests
  • Solve world hunger
  • Program in JavaScript
  • Tell people you’re a PHP developer

PHP as a Business Tool

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$caption = ‘Node is a remarkably efficient tool of evil’;


At Fuzz we enjoy working with every programming language (especially PHP!) and we love open source ☺. Check out our GitHub!


Fuzz is an award-winning mobile product agency.

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