Being Black, Female & Depressed

I have had what has felt like the longest day today but all I wanted to do when I arrived home was write. Such urges have become uncommon for me in recent times and so I grabbed the opportunity with both hands.

I suffer from mental illness, as will 1 in 4 people in the UK each year. I am also a Black woman.

Navigating the corporate world of late, in a new job, has fully awoken me to the complexity of living life as a depressed and anxious Black woman. I must be “twice as good” as Them but the simple act of waking up and getting into work can be a struggle. I must conform to what it is to be professional but by the end of the day my face aches from forced smiles. I must make calls and send dozens of emails but inside my heart is racing and I am coming undone.

In my personal life, navigating relationships is equally challenging. I have lost count of the number of friendships that have broken down because of my nonexistent ability to stay in touch. I fear the possibility of being ill-received over texts and so say nothing at all. Fear of “messing up” paralyses me from letting things grow organically. My own bubble seems safer but it has the power to repel people. Social events require at least 24 hours of psyching myself up so I can convincingly portray the character of a confident bubbly Black girl.

And in the world? The Black woman is assaulted from every angle, every day, constantly. Our labour frequently goes unacknowledged and we are forced to defend ourselves at an unnerving rate. To exist as a Black woman is a job in itself, and to constantly speak out against injustices is draining — draining on my own already low morale.

But it is not all doom and gloom, the light I have found in Black sisterhood has been healing and nourishing. Through allowing myself to open up incrementally, this journey I am on has become less lonely and the burdens less heavy.

To be Black, female and depressed requires finding strength in unconsidered places, strength you never knew you could muster. I am proud of myself for finding and cultivating that strength and if you have done it, you should be proud too.