By NEO
I’ve come across a lot of people talking about the signs of emotional abuse when it comes to intimate relationships. However, you never really realise these signs until you’re completely out of the situation and are able to fully digest what you’ve been going through.
What I found interesting was how subtle some of these signs can be, from your partner manipulating you to feel bad about being upset, or always saying one thing and doing another — confusing your emotions and making you never really feel complete. Sometimes they don’t even realise the impact of entertaining other people and how it can extremely knock your self-confidence. (Side note: there are a lot more issues than this, however I only want to briefly touch upon the softer side.)
This is the most I’ve ever written about my personal life, especially in terms of relationships. However, writing is very therapeutic for me and I thought what better way to get it off my chest? What I mainly want to talk about is the after-effects. I’ve never really been an emotional person and it usually takes me a while to develop feelings, but I’ve always criticised the way this generation glorifies the personality traits of being a ‘hard nut’. Every time a relationship has ended badly I’ve always wished I could just switch off and not catch feelings at all.
Well, talk about speaking things into existence since, what I went through in my last relationship has made it hard for me to be even remotely interested in another person. I’ve put on an uncontrollable and seemingly unbreakable shell around me where I’ve not been able to let anyone in emotionally or even intimately. I thought I was being celibate as a choice, but I’ve realised even when I’ve wanted to kiss someone it has been a struggle.
Now I know what you’re all thinking: “You’re obviously still in love with this guy”. One thing I’m not, is in denial. I can promise you that he hardly crosses my mind and I would never even think of going back. I genuinely have moved on and want to be able to open myself up to someone else. But I’m struggling. My best friend keeps telling me it’s just a phase, and I’m also hoping so, but it is quite frustrating.
And if I did move on... how do I make sure that the next person isn’t just used out of frustration or just as a muse to get over that phase, rather than me actually developing a real connection?
As you can see I really don’t have the answers, but these are the thoughts that have been bothering me for a while.
Who else is going through or has gone through this same type of period? How have you gotten over it or what advice do you have?
