How I’m overcoming perfectionism and anxiety as a university student.
It didn’t dawn on me that I had anxiety until a couple months ago when someone tweeted the signs of having anxiety. As I finished reading the twitter thread I said to myself “no I can’t have anxiety, I’m just overreacting” so I ignored it and continued with my studies. As the third year started to get harder (and still is) I could see those signs of anxiety starting to come back. I then went to research further on the signs and realised that this actually is something that I’ve had for a while, I just didn’t know what to call it. I just thought it was normal. I thought it was normal to have issues falling asleep. I thought it was normal to not be able to feel calm or relaxed. I just thought it was just me. Perfectionism (or what I like to call it; the fear of failure) on the other hand is something I’ve known I’ve had for a while. I continuously started things and would never finish them because it was never good enough. I have such high and often ridiculous expectations for myself so when I don’t fulfil them I get very disheartened.
Dealing with mental health issues at university is a completely different ball game. University in itself is a huge bubble. It’s fake. That’s why people find it hard to transition from university life to working life. It’s really inorganic and it’s very easy to lose yourself. You don’t have the pressures from back home, telling you to go to university. Even though you’re surrounded by a lot of people, you’re by yourself and I don’t think people realise how lonely university can often be. The pressure in academia on university students is tremendously overwhelming. For me, I wouldn’t label myself as ‘academic’. Although I would like to think I’m intelligent, I have to work very hard for the grades I achieve. Despite having to work hard to achieve my grades, I’m very vocal in lectures and seminars, i’m not afraid of being wrong.
Fortunately, I study something I’m interested in (International media and communications), so I’m always engaging in discussions in class. It’s because of this that resulted in pressures from my peers and lecturers. People assume because I’ve got the gift of the gab I can automatically transcend that into my essays, not knowing how much I frantically panic before starting to write. It’s that pressure that fuels my anxiety, constantly worrying what others think about me. I was so obsessed about not caring about what people thought of me, that I ended up caring about what people thought of me. I remember having a discussion last year with one of my lectures after I received a very disappointing grade from one of my essays. He said he was very shocked with my grade and had to do a double-take when he saw my name. He was confused as to why I achieved that grade and thought I would have achieved one of the highest because of how vocal I was in my seminars. That crushed me. Knowing that I had disappointed not only myself but my lecturer.
After that, that led me to become mildly depressed. The desire to leave my room or to do anything had gone. It wasn’t until I spoke to my sister that I realised I had a problem. Luckily I was able to overcome that but anxiety and perfectionism is still something I’m dealing with and will eventually overcome. I felt it would be useful for not only myself but for other people to know how I’m taking small steps to freedom.
Finding the root of the issue
“If the inside of your fridge is dirty, there’s no point in cleaning the outside of it first. You need to clean the inside, find out what was causing the dirt and clean the inside of the fridge first and then the outside” — A quote from one of my best friends
Self-evaluation is key to resolving any issue. By finding out how and where the issue comes from, it makes it easier to overcome. Personally, I believe the root of my perfectionism is pride. Being extremely hard on yourself and not allowing yourself to have flaws demonstrates that you don’t want to be a beginner. But you have to remind yourself don’t know everything.
Remembering that you’re a beginner
Most people want to be good at something as soon as they pick it up, but that usually doesn’t happen. There’s growth in the process. Allow yourself to not know everything and remember it’s ok not to know it all!
Asking question
Asking questions in university is the real key to success. If you don’t understand something just ask. University lectures get paid to help you. My lecturers have continuously told me there’s correlation between those who go to them with questions and those who get firsts. It’s better to ask then just assume. Even if it’s just your course mate, ask, ask, ask!
Prayer or quiet time
I’m a Christian so prayer and meditation is something that brings me peace in my day to day life. If you’re not a believer, you can replace this with quiet time. Don’t check your phone first thing in the morning. Have some time to yourself, write your goals, read, listen to music, just chill.
Talk to someone
Last but most importantly, talk to someone. Whether or not its professional help or simply speaking to your friends, its essential that you inform someone about your mental state. If you feel completely overwhelmed with university, I would suggest seeking professional help as difficult as this may be. It wasn’t until I spoke to one of my friends about my mental state that I realised we were going through the exact same thing.
University is tough and having mental health issues in university is harder. Don’t struggle by yourself, talk to someone and remember you’re identity is not in your mental state.
