Rules of the working week

How to partake in office small-talk

Monday

1. Always ask how your colleagues’ weekends went, even if you don’t give a damn.
2. When writing an email be sure to include “Hope you had a good weekend” or else it might seem impertinent.
3. Feign annoyance at returning to the office despite knowing that you need your job to pay bills and go on package holidays.

Tuesday

1. If there’s anyone else you haven’t seen to or communicated with since the previous week, ask how their weekend went just to reinforce the message.
2. Turn your thoughts to the week ahead. Yes things are busy. Verrrry busy.
3. Do you go to the gym? It would help to bring that up as a topic to distract your colleague from knowing you had at least a third of the sweets they brought back from holiday to share with the office.

Wednesday

1. We’re at that awkward point where you can’t ask about the previous weekend anymore but it’s too premature to ask about the upcoming weekend. Instead, mention to your colleagues “how fast the week is going.”
2. You may want to post an instagram story of your desk with the hashtag #HumpDay. Add a caffeinated drink in the shot for dramatic effect.
3. If all else fails, you can always start talking about the weather and how you long for summer. If summer is here (in calendar terms,) lament on how British summers are awful or how climate change has affected weather patterns.

Thursday

1. Hurray! You can start asking colleagues about what they’re up to this weekend, even if you don’t give a damn.
2. As Thursdays are the new Fridays, make sure you have an event lined up tonight so you can gloat about how popping your social life is.
3. Any new Netflix episodes out? Anything on TV? It’s always best to keep up with popular culture so you have these topics to hand.

Friday

1. When writing emails, adding “Happy Friday” as an introduction is a nice way to celebrate the end of the working week.
2. You can focus all your energy on the coming weekend and use the opportunity to ask those you haven’t seen what they are up to.
3. If you have no plans for the coming weekend, it’s a bit of a conversation stopper. Do something!

Same thing next week?