Self Reflection: The taboo of looking within. (Part 1)

People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
— Carl Jung

• This article is split into 2 parts. Part 1 is centered around myself and another person. It details a situation that arose between us, my observations on them and how those observations tie into theories I’ve held for a while about self introspection and the ability to be alone. Part 2 will be centered partly on my own self analysis throughout the scenario but also on how I handled the situation I am about to detail , why and the importance of female empowerment in such cases*

A funny thing happened to me last night. It started with a guy (the bad stories usually do). You know the kind. They’re almost like stray cats that keep coming back to get fed, just to run off again. A guy that it never really worked out with but I’ve always continued keeping in touch with nonetheless (stupid idea I know). It’s far from everything but it’s not quite nothing either. It’s ‘something’. A situation. Apparently they’re common these days, unfortunately.

We care a lot but not enough to stand still together.

My phone goes off. I see he has sent me an image. Then underneath appears: ‘I’m so sorry. That was meant for my friend.’. Sad face.

Call it a gut instinct, perception or that handy tool we call a woman’s intuition but I had already guessed what I was about to open up my phone too. It seemed obvious to me somehow, perhaps due to my nothing short of abysmal previous dating experience or that glaring red flag in the back of my mind waving at me heroically, arms outstretched. In front of me I see a screenshot of him initiating a conversation with a girl on some dating site, charming as ever. I hadn’t seen that version of him since not long after we met.

Aside from the feelings of upset (and jealousy — which I despise admitting) the thing that stood out the most to me was a particular part of the explanation he gave to me when I challenged him.

‘Come on Liz, I haven’t seen you for a long time. I’m not going to be on my own am I?’

He then followed that with ‘I’m lonely. Even when I’m around people,everyone, anyone…I’m lonely. I’ll never meet this girl, she lives in Canada. To be honest it’s more just someone to talk too’.

It’s well known that the worst type of loneliness isn’t being alone, but actually when you are surrounded by others yet still feel inconsolably lonely. All of a sudden it became clear to me that far from being a guy that just wanted to sample anything and everything on the market (these guys do exist — ladies beware), there were actually some very deep rooted issues at play here. I had always suspected these unhealthy manifestations of the mind were present but up until this point he would never admit them, nor would he concede how much of an impact they had on his decisions and mental well being. I had always thought in the early stages of our ‘situationship’ that he was running from me, but on reflection I think no matter who had been stood in my shoes, the outcome could have remained the same. It’s a cliche but it’s very prevalent when they say that a man can’t meet you until he has met himself.

Why do we run from ourselves?

Are we scared to admit that we don’t like what we see when we look within?

Are we so emotionally insecure or led by ego that we genuinely cannot bear to acknowledge our flaws, in turn subconsciously blacking them out so they do not exist in our reality, meaning we cannot see our morally disreputable behaviour?

Is this why so many people are incapable of being alone? Maybe we don’t want to be left alone with ourselves because we’re uncomfortable in our own company.

I thought back to all the times I had seen this individuals subtle cries for help, hints that their life was shrouded in grief and pain, yet on every single occasion I had extended a shoulder, they would run away or refuse to unravel, erecting a wall in the middle of our communication. It became apparent to me that a lot of us have failed to grasp how much strength there is in vulnerability, we cannot communicate from an authentic place if we refuse to demolish the fortress we build around ourselves.

Did you ever know someone that consistently behaved inconsiderately and would get mad at you for being mad at them, even though they were wrong? (I know I know, go figure.)

I understand this type of behaviour a lot better now. Sometimes a person can know they are in the wrong but they are simply too selfish to care or are intentionally manipulating you into being emotionally submissive, but in other circumstances (and in this one) the underlying problem can be that the individual is unable to face or acknowledge the grim reality of who they are at their core, in turn projecting their unhappiness onto those within close proximity, blaming others for the unpleasantness they feel inside. It hasn’t gone unnoticed to me that a lot of our generation seem to be totally incapable of spending time alone to focus on building themselves from within, time to truly know who they are before they start to try and share their lives and build something concrete and sustainable with another.

It’s an interesting paradox really. We can’t be alone yet we seem petrified of commitment.

The most worrying part? From what I can determine it’s not even a sacred bond that so many seek, most of the time it’s quite the opposite in fact. Just as long as there is someone, it doesn’t even matter if they’ve no place in the future. A quick fix. A hollow exchange of emptiness. To put this into context, ask yourself the last time you met someone that wasn’t already talking to five other people and probably being intimate with two or three of them? Or why after a relationship breakdown the common consensus is to join whichever dating site is trending at the time instead of grieving, healing within and gaining growth from the situation.

Personally, I would rather be alone and wait for a diamond as opposed to continually kicking pebbles along the beach aimlessly, hoping someday that will lead to the void within my soul evaporating, consequently healing the pain I attempt to cover with band aid. It won’t. Only love will do that. And that will always start with you. Loving yourself before attempting to love another. You cannot give something that you don’t already have nor pour from an empty cup and this is why a huge part of the solution starts with it being an inside job. It is a better option to heal your wounds internally from the inside out than to perpetuate a toxic cycle, remaining the architect of your own misfortune by papering over the cracks in your foundation.

You can’t run from your demons. They will chase you forever. No matter how much you busy yourself with distractions. You must face them head on.

Einstein famously defined insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’. You see. At some point we must find a way to evoke change and deviate from this dose of misery our mind has so callously prescribed to us. You are the master of your own thoughts and if you refuse to be, they will seek to master you.

It makes no rational sense to use our stream of thoughts as an insidious drip of negativity. In the same way we take medication to alleviate our physical pains, is it not imperative that we learn to examine and heal our minds in similar fashion? Thoughts become things, after all.

I often contemplate the contents of my own ruminations. It’s interesting to me that we have all become so good at astutely analysing one another that we rarely stop to peek at ourselves in order to gain insight to who we are and why we do the things we do. I try to envision my mind as a drawer that’s eternally overflowing with emotional junk (as I realise most of my decisions are emotionally based), that will reach full capacity and breakdown if I don’t regularly go in and sift through what lives there, untangling the mess and attempting to tidy back up again. Look at the process as a filter for your thoughts and emotions, a way to rid yourself of the unnecessary junk your mind collects.

There are three important steps I believe are imperative when it comes to the art of understanding oneself in a bid to move forward and demonstrate positive growth. It is no use burying our heads in the sand and refusing to look within if we ever seek to be truly happy and subsequently, comfortable in our own company, no longer craving empty exchanges with strangers that add no value to our lives.

Step 1: Acknowledge your actions and the thoughts that led to those actions. This can sometimes be the most difficult part. Not only facing how we feel about who we are but owning up to how we may have made someone else feel, particularly someone we care for. Taking ownership of our thoughts and accountability for our behaviour is key, but notably a painful step in the introspection/healing process.

Step 2: Start to unravel your mind and understand what it is that has motivated you to feel or think the way you do or take the action you took — even if it’s something you don’t want to face, be brave. Face it anyway. Be honest with yourself and forgive yourself. Move forward slowly with clarity or watch out for it cropping up again. Notice patterns forming, granting you further understanding on what contributes to a negative impact on your outlook, emotions or actions.

Step 3: Only once we have acknowledged and understood our inner struggles can we begin to understand their derivation and start to think about putting what we have learned into practice in order to make a positive change. Talk to someone you trust. Go to a class. Read. Travel. Experience life with new understanding of yourself. Meditate. Take time out to spend with you. Get to know yourself better. Self awareness will take you a long way in life, a positive tool that will hopefully help you build a better relationship with not only yourself, but everyone else around you.

It’s an exquisite form of self destruction when we run away from who we are and hide in our self built internal cocoons. An intricate and delicately weaved web we often refuse to acknowledge, let alone untangle. We must stop building the bars on our own cages and mentally imprisoning ourselves, for there is no greater privilege than freedom and finding our own inner truth. Self reflection is such an important skill to have in life, the ability to be able to dissect our own behaviour, extract the wrong and work on it in order to perpetuate inner growth is essential. It’s an extreme sport all by itself and although there’s never really a finish line in the business of investing in self, you can be sure the satisfaction of the gold medals you collect along the way will make the tumultuous ride worthwhile.