Do you ever just feel like the world and everything in it is moving so fast around you? As the Earth spins and everyone else around you is holding on, falling into place, just as you try to grab hold of the reins, you’re sent back into an anticlockwise spiral of confusion, trying to keep up, stay happy and occupied, and stick to the status quo.
Recently I have been feeling that way and every time I’ve tried to grab on, my hand slips and I just slip further away from me, and further away from my self. I have been learning a lot about my self this year, as we do every year of course, but the last few months have felt so much more intense. I had a good job as a placement for the year, earned decent money, I drive so that makes life less of a hassle, I have some good friends, good family around me, and some decent nights out, but just as my description, everything started to feel mediocre and displaced. Whereas usually everything would be described as “great” or “amazing”, as I am usually so appreciative and grateful for what I have, now everything was feeling like nothing.
As I was coming to the end of my placement I was at a crossroads — do I enjoy muy long three month break that I would regret not doing when I return for my final year at uni? Or do I work on my other passions, or get another decent job to pass the time? As I write this I’n starting to well up, simply because contrary to feeling my proactive and goal-setting self, I didn’t feel like doing any of those things, really I just felt like doing NOTHING.
After the usual self-analysation and reviewing of circumstances I’ve come to a new understanding that sometimes when we go through things emotionally, it takes up a lot of our energy — physically as well as mentally without us even realising it. My friend had passed away, I had been unappreciated and violated by people unexpectedly, and I was being affected by atrocities happening in our society (being passionate about humanity and freedom, political issues can really upset me, it may sound silly but I cannot be desensitised to it and I refuse to be). It all just gets a bit much sometime, and I started to lose myself. I stopped thinking about my passions, taking care of myself as I would usually, and I just felt myself slipping into a state of “nothingness” — just feeling nothing and wanting nothing.
Now I cant lie to you and say I am completely out of that mindset because it is all a process, but I am trying. I gave myself time to rest in this state I call “nothingness” and there were days that I would just lay on my bed or the couch not doing anything, not even leave the house or just sleep because there was nothing else I’d rather be doing. If you know me personally this may come as a surprise because I’m always so positive and motivating, but we all have our moments and this was mine.
I have now started a new job that works well for me, I have got into reading a book that sparks my imagination again, and I’ve joined the gym! Keeping physically and mentally active has slowly helped pull me out of this rabbit hole and I am starting to think a bit more positively, feel myself and feel beautiful again, and also start writing again. This has been my way out so far, and this is my story. Although it may not be relatable to others, I’ve told it and I’ve let out a sigh of relief because I’m making steps to find myself again and become a better me.
Blessings,
Neo x
