You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

« When was the last you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you? »

I kind of thought I was a good listener before I plunged myself into this book. I like to stay silent when someone speaks to me. In the same way, I have the habit to say ‘hm hm’ or ‘oh okay’ to signal to my interlocutor that I am following what he’s trying to tell me. As a result, I thought I was competent enough to place ‘listening’ on my CV as an ability.

The issue is that what I’ve done so far is not ‘active listening’ but ‘superficial listening’ instead.

My introverted and reserved disposition was responsible for the fact that I believed I was a good listener. Many people think that people with these personalities traits are generally easy to speak to and good listeners. This affirmation, however, turns out to be quite exaggerated. I generally overthink when I talk to new people. “What does this person think of me?” “I hope he doesn’t see me sweating” “Do I have anything important to say next?”. These thoughts tend to my mind cloudy and therefore prevent me from properly listening to the person in from of me.

Listening is a talent that everyone has, as Kate Murphy said, but which has become inherently rarer these days. The World has never been as interconnected as it is now and yet, people seem oddly separated. People have the feeling of knowing everything about each other and not listening to each other as a result. More importantly, we do not listen to understand, but to answer and prove a point.

Kate Murphy’s book is important in a world which does not want to stop speaking and listening instead. Through her book, one will (re)discover the lost at of listening and how to improve one’s listening.

In a world that does not want to avoid speaking and listening instead, Kate Murphy’s book is important. Through her novel, one can (re)discover the lack of listening and how one’s listening can be enhanced.

True. Finishing this book won’t makes you a good listener instantly. However, the fact remains that it does put you on a right track to become one. Firstly, listening is about curiosity. If you’re showing interests in what the other is telling, you’re going to have much more facility to engage with him. Secondly, good listening requires not shifting, but supporting conversation. Everyone has a friend who — when you were talking of a important matter — shifted the conversation on himself. Finally, listening often requires to remain quiet and observe one’s movements.

True. Finishing this book will not immediately make you a good listener. The truth remains, however, that it places you on the right track to become one. If you’re showing interest in what the other person thinks, you’re going to have a lot of capacity to communicate with him. Secondly, good listenning requires not shifting, but supporting conversation. Everyone has a friend who moved the subject to himself when you were talking about an important matter. Finally, listening often requires to remain quiet and observe one’s movements.

On various topics, Murphy evokes the way to deal with contrary viewpoints and when to avoid listening.

How well she grasped the thirst for listening is what I like about Murphy’s novel. When someone comes to me about an enormous issue he or she has, I confess that during this time, I am sometimes at a loss. As if that was too heavy a burden for me to hold. And, truth be told, I strangely think that many people think the same way, which prevent people from delivering what they had to say in return. In the end, we all just say unimportant things that don’t bother each other.

I realised, through this book, that it was not a burden. You’re not a hero and the person is not necessarily looking for you to solve his problem. This individual took the time to share with you an important part of his life, and in exchange, you have the right to take your time to answer and help him.

By not listening, we have come to circumstances where individuals apologise for being listened to. How alone and unheard of are people to apologise for a thing that is as normal as being heard?

‘You’re Not Listening’ is more than a book. It is a call to take action.