The Gran Canaria Diet

I recently told someone I was going on a break, vaguely mentioning Spain. They knew straight away, or at least made an assumption.

Wait, you mean you are going to Gran Canaria right?

How did you know? I responded.

Because all gay men I know usually go to Gran Canaria, right?

It might not be entirely true of others who opt for Barcelona, Benidorm or Sitges but for me it’s Gran Can. I need to up my culture but I’ll wait until I’ve had five days of homoculture in the sun.

My last visit was back in 2011 I think. It was the usual conversation of:

Oh! We are too old to be going out till 5am in the morning! It’ll be siesta, dinner, drag bar and in bed for 1pm.

Five nights out of 7 it was a 3am return to the apartment for me. And I was pretty early. So a bit older and wiser, I’m returning.

It does always feel like a fantasy Island where life goes on hold for five or seven days. It is what I’m looking for at the moment, although I am finishing my Gender Studies course. So I will be studying…I promise.

Ultimately though I’m on the Gran Canaria diet period. It’s like summer pool party season. In homoculture you want to look your best in your speedos. Or in your t-shirt at the bar.

The great thing about Gran Canaria is that however you look you fit in, there is a tribe (I hope) for you. The homoculture is quite diverse and you can spend hours in the gym or exercise to shape your body to your tribe. Sometimes the tribe’s don’t cross over and you can be fitted into a tribe just by how you present yourself than your sexual preferences or body shape.

My attempt is for a leaner look. But I’m not exercising just for five days though. It has been a period to think about my age and body shape. What I want to achieve and what is achievable. Somehow, I still feel a bit of pressure to look my best and enjoy a little guaranteed sun. My exercise is swimming, a jog or two, yoga and boxing class. I have sort of given up on gym really because I want to feel I have achieved something, swimming 40 lengths or going out for a jog in the park to see the changes of the season on Glasgow Green. But I’m still defining myself, the agency to be.

Yoga is the exercise I do at home but I hope, when money allows that I can rejoin a class again. I might not be as good as the recent BBC The Social clip of Yoga in Kilts (I’ll have what they are having), but I still fancy shopping in H&M and GAP when I’m 80 or 90. Because we live longer than before if we are lucky, and I hope to be lucky. And if I am then maybe I will take the pill at a certain age, like Maude in Harold & Maude (1971) before decay and decline sets in.

For homoculture, the Gran Can diet is a life-long diet and I need to get into that frame of mind. But cold grapes or straight-from-the-fridge watermelon tastes so much better in a warm climate. It is more important as you get older and since Christmas I have had a few back problems so I feel I need to look after my body more, particularly in a damp climate as Scotland can be. Or might I need to move to the South of France and drive a Renault 5 in the sun? I fancy that, sipping a Gin while peeking over Brigitte Bardot’s garden wall ,hoping to see La Bardot herself.Or borrowing a cigarette from Neil Patrick Harris while conversing with Jane Birkin. I’m sure they holiday there.

So rather than a holiday diet I will focus even more on a life-long diet, but I’ll enjoy some sun. Hang on though, I’ve not even booked it yet…

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