Gift of Gab: How to flirt without having the cops called on you

Being on the dating scene can be difficult, you forget how to talk to another person, you want to stay inside all day and binge watch “The Office” for the 100th time and being antisocial sounds like a great life plan.

However, you can’t be a shut-in or modge-podging that broken heart of yours forever, so sit back and relax guys and gals, because this single pringle is going to teach you how to mingle.

The following tips are in no particular order, despite being numbered, it is simply for organizational purposes.

Tip #1

Please under any circumstances, do not send unsolicited, nonconsensual dick pics or clit shots, it is sexual harassment. Say it with me folks, S-E-X-U-A-L H-A-R-A-S-S-M-E-N-T. Sound it out if you need to, whatever you need to do to let that fact sink in, so please keep the panties on, the dick dormant and the titties away in the initial talking stages.

Tip # 2

DO NOT CATCALL. There is a difference between catcalling and giving a compliment. For example, if you like the person’s sense of style and want to complicate their clothing, do not respond with, “hey Ryan, I like how your cock looks in those tight pants, you dirty little tease.”

Instead of sounding like a sexual deviant, say “Hey, Ryan, I like your pants, you have a nice sense of style.”

Tip #3

Do not devise random-ass questions as some sort of ploy just to engage into a conversation with another person. So please save the “Is your name so-an-so, you look familiar?” “Why are you looking so pretty for?” or, “Did Campbell’s make you that thick or is it the genes?”

It’s way easier to say, “Hi, how are you doing? My name is so-so, what’s yours?” and be a decent human being than it is to sound like a creep.

Tip #4

Do not make intimate physical contact when barely getting to know an individual.

Now this is no way an attempt at making a disparaging remark to those who engage in hook-ups or one-night-stands, what I mean is, please do not caress another person’s face or smell their hair, especially if you just met them less than five minutes ago. It’s not only weird but it’s infringing on another person’s personal space. You don’t know if that person doesn’t like being touched, has been sexually and/or physically abused, so the safe bet is to not touch them.

Tip #5

For the love of everything you hold dear, do not blow fucken vape smoke, cigarette smoke, cigar smoke, reefer smoke, crack smoke or any other type of smoke in a person’s face. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some poor person get a face-full of cotton candy scented cloud of bullshit because the gremlin that’s talking to them can’t refrain from smoking or even blow smoke up and away.

Tip #6

“So do you masturbate?” “Do you like it rough?” “Is your, insert crude word for genitalia, hard/wet?” Never, ever, ever ask these questions to an individual you have just met. It’s lewd and obscene, and that’s a conversation for a later time.

Flirting is meant to be fun, so keep it that way, don’t overthink it.

There is no need for cheesy pick-up lines or boastful behavior, just be yourself, and back-off if the other person is not interested.

So get out there, start mingling and remember this, kids, nobody likes to be sexually harassed.