7 Effing Amazing Gag Gifts for Your Valentine
Have you found the perfect gift for your Valentine’s day date yet?
If not, don’t worry, hand them one of the items on this list first and they’ll love anything you have prepared for them.
When it comes to gifts, it’s always a good idea to keep expectations low. With the right gag gift, even the most mediocre item that follows will seem amazing in comparison. It’s also a good way to test your relationship. If your date doesn’t laugh, it’s a good indication that you should dump their ass.
So, let’s get started with the first item on the list…
1) The Lingerie No One Is Talking About
Are you planning on handing your significant other a delicate little box with some slinky lingerie tucked inside?
While it’s sweet to try to pressure them into a two-minute broncho ride, your thinly veiled plan will be much more effective if you plop some crocheted panties on the dinner table first. Although I’m sure some girls (and guys) enjoy the feeling of bumpy yarn riding up their cheeks, most of them will be visibly relieved when they discover that they won’t have to spend the night pulling sweaty bits of string out of their junk.
If you’re interested in learning more about this new lingerie trend, you can read more about it on the Crappy Housewife.
2) The Soap Every Guy Needs
Does your guy believe that the shower water dripping down over his nether regions counts as a good scrubbing?
Or perhaps the thought of his sweaty bits contaminating your delicate French soap is a little too much to bear…
By presenting him with the Weener Kleener you can knock both those issues off of your ever-growing list and give him some happy shower time as a bonus! Just make sure to rinse out the tub if he gets a little too vigorous with his new toy…
3) Forever Frozen In Time
If you’re looking for some inspiration for your upcoming couple’s or family photo shoot, you simply cannot go wrong with this gift.
The cringe-worthy images within this book will give you loads of inspiration for the relationship memorabilia that will bring you to tears for years to come. Or, if you loathe the idea of having your acne and love handles preserved for future generations to sneer at, you might be able to use this book to put off the dreaded flash of the camera.
4) The Dreaded Words
Looking to create some extra intimacy between you and your valentine?
The fake pregnancy test is a foolproof way to get their heart pounding and if you’re lucky you might get in on some hyperventilating action. However, if you’re trying to get your partner in the mood for some fun between the sheets this may not be the ideal gift.
*Note: This is only funny if you’re NOT trying to get pregnant.
5) Your S*** Smells Like…
Do you remember the early days of your relationship when you thought that maybe — just maybe — your valentine didn’t poop?
Well, if you’re like most couples, those days are long gone and you’re probably way too familiar with your partner’s aromatic bowel movements. If you’ve noticed an unpleasant change in this department, then this book is a gift from the heavens. Rather than having an awkward conversation about their bathroom time, you can simply hand them this novel to help them figure out just how disturbed you are by their natural biological functions.
Bonus — This gift might just give them the motivation to close the door and remember to flush regularly.
6) You Want To Put That WHERE?
What can we say to describe this somewhat violent gag gift?
It might serve as a useful tool to demonstrate when you’re upset with your other half, or perhaps it can be used as an instrument to help you avoid murdering them when they fail to start the dishwasher for the 67th time in a row.
If your valentine has a special sense of humor, this could be the perfect gift. Or it could serve as a creative way to scare them off without having the awkward breakup conversation…
7) Saggy Tea Bag
If you’re looking for a great gift for the tea lover in your life, the search ends here.
This elegantly shaped teabag can hold a healthy amount of tea leaves and looks even better once it comes steaming out of your boiling cup of water. Those of us that have tried it can honestly say that it significantly enhances the flavor of the tea and provides an oddly titillating visual stimulus.
Tip — As a beauty treatment, place the warm tea bag over your closed eyelids to help relieve puffiness and dark circles.
BONUS GIFT — Your Hand Belongs to ME
Is anything sexier than the sickeningly sweet sight of a codependent relationship?
No matter how close you and your valentine are, you can always get just a little closer…
When you present your partner with the couple’s glove, you can count on watching the tears flow from their bulging eyes as they soak in the romance. Once you hand them this baby you’ll be able to hold hands on the coldest of days and let the whole world know that they belong to you FOREVER.
We admire the brave soul that tries to come between your love and lives to tell the tale.
This article was originally published on gagmyvalentine.com.
