There is gain in the pain
January 2019 — Most people were excited about the new year, the majority were busy making resolutions, setting out plans, declaring intentions and generally just excited about a new year.
I had only one cry, literally, “Let the pain stop”. Not physical pains but deep emotional pains that left me wailing, in despair and dejected. Absolutely nothing excited me, and I was simply tired of everything around me.
Today, I am in a better place.
The journey to today has not been a smooth ride but it is one that fills my heart with gratitude. That I can hope again, make plans and dream again is a privilege I do not take for granted. That I have expectations of life, of people, of my career, of my self is a gift I am immensely grateful for.
I have come to realize and appreciate that hope is a gift, one I am thankful to have again.
Through this process, I have become more self-aware, I have become more introspective and I have learnt to prioritize what matters to me.
One of the most important gains of this journey is I have learnt not to be busy. I love my job(s), so I work extremely hard, but I have thankfully been delivered from hustle-porn. I have stopped taking pride in sleepless nights, working weekends and no vacations.
I now find joy in closing for the day, owning my weekends to do as I wish (which may or may not include work) and taking frequent and regular breaks.
I am beginning to rediscover the things I loved to do and learning to do and love new things. I have started writing poetry again and hopefully, this marks the beginning of me writing articles again.
I am not perfection, and I do not claim to have found emotional wholesomeness, but I am a work in progress, and I have chosen to make the most of this recovery process. I continue to have good days and bad days but just as the good days come and go, I know the bad days will someday go as well, so I now face life with equanimity understanding the impermanence of every circumstance.
Today is not the day I go into details about the pain or the recovery process, I’m just here to let you know I want to write about it and I hope I find the strength to be vulnerable and honest in my writings. I want to write about it because I know that there’s someone reading this who everyone thinks you’re kicking ass but you are in deep pain and masking it all under strength and smiles. I was you and I want you to know you are not alone. It’s completely okay to fall apart, but I will encourage you, if you can, to find a friend to talk to, if not — journal your thoughts. There’s something therapeutic about unloading on to paper and if you’d like to speak to a stranger, I can be that stranger.
I will still write about the law, I will write about running my business, I will still write about legal-tech, justice innovation, and supporting entrepreneurs but I will also write about life, about mental health — my personal mental health journey, the coping mechanisms I’ve adopted, particularly, my favourite — meditation and mindfulness, I will write about my faith, my interests and maybe even my travels, so yes, you will definitely be reading from me more often.
For now, I’m wishing you a 2020 filled with hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Love+Light,
Odun
