“…And don’t forget to be gentle with yourself!”
About two and a half years ago, I started seeing a therapist. Why? I had problems I didn’t think I could solve on my own. Most importantly, I was afraid I would make a drastic and permanent decision that would prove unfair to my son and me in the long run. Regardless, I knew I was not ready to sit on a couch across from a stranger and tell them anything remotely real about my life. So, I opted for a non-traditional form of therapy — online therapy. Hello e-healthcare!
Among the many things my therapist has told me over the while I have known her is, “…And don’t forget to be gentle with yourself.” This is a line I have heard over and over again, and on certain occasions, it made me sick. Perhaps some context would help…
If I were to describe myself on the day I showed up for my first therapy session in early 2021; I would label me an “exhausted overachiever.” Growing up, I was among the smartest kids in school. With that came the adults’ unrealistic and demanding expectations. I kept up with the pressures of being “THE BEST” at almost everything I touched for about 12 years of my school life. Then came the CRASH! 2010 was a rough year. It sure as hell did not help that I was amid that nasty adolescence crisis. My point is, the crown of being the “best” was wearing me down. It was slipping, and I didn’t bother to fix it. I wanted it off my head!
Here’s the deal though, I needed out of “THE BEST’s” club, but the adults in my life were having none of it. Unlike now, I couldn’t word or pen out my woes articulately enough to convey my concerns. Nonetheless, I wonder whether my exhaustion from pursuing academic excellence would have been acceptable, let alone understood! In hindsight, it was a classic “doomed if I do, doomed if I don’t” scenario. I put the exhausting crown down and decided to care freely go through the rest of high school and university. “To hell with the adults and their expectations,” I resolved!
With my decision came the consequence of guilt. The guilt of unrealized potential. The guilt of “wasted opportunity!” However, that did not take away from the fact that I was exhausted of being the standard measure. I simply wanted to live with a bigger allowance for error. I wanted to make mistakes without an audience that needed me to be perfect so its members could enjoy the perks of imperfection. That internal struggle of “being the best” versus “choosing to waste my life” dragged me into that first therapy session.
If I were to continue gracing mother earth with my presence, something needed to give! It needed to give fast!
There came my therapist. With her literal “signature phrase,” which she insists on using at the end of about 90% of our sessions … “And don’t forget to be gentle with yourself!” These are the words she emphasizes on slipping into our conversations, especially on days when I am too unforgiving of myself. They comprise her catchphrase for the sessions I express my struggles, punctuated by a lack of understanding of why I can’t zoom past my trauma and function like everyone else. After all, isn’t that what smart people do? Come up with solutions faster and get it done?!
Over the past few weeks, I have realized that I no longer need my therapist to remind me to be gentle with myself. I can finally do it on my own! Like a toddler who has just taken their first steps and tasted the freedom of unaided mobility, this feeling is exhilarating! While I have a long way to go on my healing journey, I must recognize this achievement. Morphing from the babe who needed a professional mental health practitioner to remind her to go easy on her wounded and healing self at least weekly; to the “me” that catches herself spiraling and whispers, “…And don’t forget to be gentle with yourself,” has been a journey of a thousand miles. I am finally at my destination! I stand at the top of this mountain proud, so proud of myself!
Dear Me,
Don’t let your strength and grit minimize the heat and the burns of the hell you have been through.
You are incredibly strong; you are also human.
Let yourself cry; release the pain, worry, and anxiety.
And don’t forget to be gentle with yourself!”
On days that your body’s aching and your mind racing.
Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself!”
When you can’t pick up the pieces because you are breaking.
Be gentle with yourself!
Be kind to yourself!
I’m loving me!
Inspired by Janine — Loving Me (song)
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