Being an Untethered Soul doesn’t mean you stop caring.
A caring connection is one of the most fundamental traits of any healthy relationship. Consider that for a moment. The people you have valued most in your life have been those who have connected with you in a caring way.
A caring connection can be expressed, or not, by the server at a restaurant or the clerk at the grocery store. Business leaders know that their customers value a caring connection, and that many objections can be overcome with a little bit of TLC.
Same is true at home.
A caring connection, exhibited through attitudes of respect and acts of kindness between committed partners, brings a joyous contentment to life.
Early in my career as a marriage counselor, I focused a lot of my effort on helping couples to increase their effectiveness in “needs contracting.” Each person would identify and express their needs and associated wants. Then, each would listen to the other with attentiveness, and follow up with a commitment to behave in ways that would satisfy those expressed needs. In essence, everyone was learning how to happily scratch each other’s backs.
When it comes to needs contracting the basic skills are an integration of attentiveness, accurate empathy, and a commitment to gratify.
However, both the research and my own clinical experience demonstrated the limited effectiveness of this approach.
There is the very real problem that always — always — emerges.
My server forgets part of my order. The technician forgot to respond to my email. I became distracted and forgot to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
None of us perfectly and consistently gratifies our partners, be they at home or at work. We fail, and often.
Which doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I’m working at NOT having my phone with me at the dinner table. My wife has every reason to expect me to be present. I’m working at it.
This is where having an “Untethered Soul” becomes helpful.
Instead of expressing our frustrations when our needs and associated wants aren’t met as expected, we can notice our frustrations, accept them, and let them go.
Or, if the issue is deemed to be significant enough, we can press for an honest face-to-face conversation around our continued frustrations and broken commitments.
If you are in a relationship, at home or at work, and want a caring connection, then engage in needs contracting.
But, and this is a BIG BUT, do so from your grounded and centered Untethered Soul. Engaging from your most non-reactive, non-anxious self, will help enormously. It will make it much easier for your partner to sincerely listen.
Yes, caring for yourself is just as important as caring for your partner.
Bottom line: contracting to get your needs met works a lot better when you and your partner can approach each other from your Untethered Souls.
I am writing a series of reflections on Michael Singer’s books and audios, and if you are interested in learning more about living as an Untethered Soul, follow me or subscribe below. I’d love your feedback and questions.
And thank you for reading along. We are, after all, in this together.
FYI — I’ve published a book, LOVING MOTHER EARTH: Integrating Environmentalism and Spirituality, which is available on Amazon.
