I’m Sorry If My Compliments Bother You
Seeing Beauty Everywhere: My Habit of Complimenting Strangers
My mom and I are leaving the grocery store when I spot her: A gorgeous, statuesque black woman with perfect intricate cornrows and the nicest quaffed edges you have ever seen — so I do what any normal person does and literally call to her across the parking lot:
“You’re sooo prettyyy!”
I did it again only today. I gushed over a hostess’s bone structure to her face. I really don’t think she knew how exquisite she was! She didn’t seem to get it.
I may have a problem. It is, mostly, A good problem. I’m a teensy bit addicted to complimenting people.
I say mostly because sometimes my compliments are not at all wanted. And I get it! I used to be that person! Compliments made me want to fight you!
Back when I was an insecure teen I didn’t go out of my way to compliment strangers — my friends, sure — but not strangers. I had zero self-esteem and whenever someone said something even remotely nice about me I would find a way to disregard it. “Oh, they don’t really know me,” was a popular excuse if the compliment was about my personality, or “If they knew the real me they wouldn’t think that.” Kind of the same excuse. And when people complimented my looks — I flat-out thought they were lying. I would get so angry. I remember turning to my ex and saying “Why would they say that about me!?”
Because of the bullying I faced in my early years I had a venomous bias against myself in pretty much all areas concerning my appearance. I struggled — and I mean STRUGGLED — with envy. Life seemed so unfair. Everyone else was so talented. So beautiful. So smart. Yet even in my wounded state, peering through the murky lens of my skewed trauma-shaped perspective, I felt this itch: to tell them how special they were.
So that it what I started to do. When I saw someone who had a trait I envied, instead of seething and wallowing in self-loathing, I would simply compliment them and surprise surprise — the negative emotions attached to the feeling went away! It took repetition and time, but I rarely struggle with envy now — and I compliment more than I ever have.
My compliments are genuine. I really do mean them! And sure, often times they are oddly specific. “I like your eyelashes,” is a great example of one that made someone look at me strangely. “I love that colour on your skin tone,” is another. “I love your style/your voice/your aesthetic!” All things I have said. With strangers a lot of times all I have is the physical to work with at a passing glance: I have complimented people on their physique when I can tell they worked hard because I know what dedication and work it is to achieve such a look! Maybe all of it is in poor taste but I just can’t help myself.
I believe I once heard God tell me I am an exhorter for a reason. Please don’t let that scare you off. I won’t judge you or force my beliefs down your throat — but it’s a part of this story.
Here’s the exhorter definition biblically speaking: “An ability to minister words of comfort, consolation, encouragement.” Sometimes I wonder if I was supposed to hear an exalter, but I am pretty sure it was “exhorter.”
I do know that sometimes one well-placed compliment can turn someone’s entire day around. It’s happened to me. It seems on my lowest days a person comes into my path who says something unexpectedly lovely and I thank God for it because it’s always on the days I least expect any kind of nice word to be spoken over me and it’s when I need it most. More often than not said by a stranger.
So maybe, just maybe, I can deliver that word of encouragement for someone. Maybe I can provide that little spark of brightness.
Sometimes though, there are times when I really want to say something and do not. This happens usually when it comes to complimenting men. I really wanted to tell a man in a grocery store how much I liked his calves (of all things), but I could not imagine a scenario where that would not come off as me hitting on him. Sometimes I compliment men on their eyes or tattoos or voice — because I really don’t care what gender you are — buuuuut I would say it’s not the most comfortable when you get the “Oh you want me,” eyes. So I have learned to use wisdom. If I do proceed I try to frame it in a way that goes like this: “Look, I know this is going to sound really weird, and I swear I am married and not trying to hit on you, but you have the best fade/tattoo sleeve/shoes/(whatever it may be!).
It can still be uncomfortable. So I am trying to take it a step further. Now I try to ask The Holy Spirit first. “Hey,” I pray internally, “should I compliment this person?” and I try to wait for an answer. Sometimes I hear a small voice in my head giving me the go-ahead, other times it’s a feeling. Usually it’s a yes, but now and then I feel I shouldn’t. This helps me a lot.
I still think I have a long way to go in my understanding of why I am like this, and as I grow, mature and learn, I’m sure it will be revealed. I do love to lift people up, be it on Medium or in person, but I know my compliments are not for everyone. So I’m sorry world if my compliments bother you — and I get it when you narrow your eyes at me — I may be annoying, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true. You are glorious and beautiful and when I see something special about you, I might just have to say it.
How do you feel about giving and recieving compliments?
