Why I Didn’t Immediately Punch Someone Grab My Boobs
This article was written after I had quite a festive argument on MRT (The Jakarta Mass Rapid Transit). It was his first experience trying Jakarta MRT and coincidentally during the peak hours. It was not a “walk trip” or what we call “Jalan-Jalan” in the Indonesian language but a way to go home after he had an ophthalmology routine check at a national hospital in Central Jakarta.
He and I entered the very front of the MRT train when suddenly, the security guard warned and guided him to step aside from the women-only carriages. I follow my father as a caregiver, and he started being grumpy; trying to create this topic became debatable.
He complained about the situation and why he wasn’t allowed to be in women-only carriages. Yet, women were allowed to be in general carriages (designated carriages for men and women). Thank God the passengers were not yet crowded when the argument started.
As I explain the rational urgency, women’s only carriages were designated with the aim of reducing sexual harassment conduct for women’s passengers in public transportation. Statistical data from the Coalition for Safe Public Space (Koalisi Ruang Publik Aman/KRPA) in 2022 reveals that 3,539 female respondents out of a total of 4,236 respondents said that they had experienced sexual harassment in public spaces, and 23% occurred in public transportation including facilities and infrastructure.
“But, men can be sexually harassed too,” he said. This was when my head started to spin. The sentence I only heard and knew by reading articles or Twitter, as the platform accommodates various perspectives (translation: women vs. un-empathically morons who drag themself as victims in the middle of someone else tragedy), somehow deliberately came out of my father.
“Yup, they too. But, again, urgency and statically more women are being harassed on public transport,” I replied.
“Well, just punch the face hard-lah,” he overlaps my decent explanation.
“Well, I couldn’t punch someone who suddenly grabbed my boobs when I am basically wearing a potato sack,” I wasn’t meant to tell those dreadful experiences; its sudden words came out of my mouth as the anger started to make my hair burn.
I certainly wish I could immediately punch the man’s face. But, I was buying Es Kelapa Muda on the traditional market when the nightmare happened, and there was no in a million way where I could think the seller would do such a thing. I remember feeling cold all over my body, and my throat felt as if some huge ice cube stuck in my throat.
After a split second, I started to look to my left and right. Perhaps I craved help, but at the same time, I felt really ashamed. Does it make me less woman since my private part is already touched by some guy? The self-blame when I thought I was a failure to become a woman of my culture.
Certainly, my experience is not to make the generalization that all the expected response (for the survivors) to sexual harassment happens to be the same. The same nightmare happened to my best friend during Junior High School. My friends and I walked home after school side-to-side in the alley around Maghrib time (6:30 pm Jakarta time).
Suddenly a guy with a motorbike stopped and grabbed her boobs. She instantly screamed and briefly ran to chase the pig (apologies; using the word “guy” might be too decent). She fell down crying, and some security guards in one of the cluster housings asked why my friend was crying, not approaching, only asking us from across the alley.
“The moment where you consider giving in, or do give in, that’s the moment you torture yourself about for the rest of your life. That’s the moment where you think it happened to you because you are a bad and weak person, who wanted it really. When in fact, it’s about survival. And whichever choice you make, it wasn’t really a choice at all.” ― Mhairi McFarlane, Don’t You Forget About Me: A Novel (2018).
When we are in a dangerous situation, something beyond our conscious brain, the amygdala becomes a treat-response center that will produce a quick response to keep humans safe from threats. Quite often, it is far from a rational response. Will you rationalize a hot boiled water pouring down your thigh? Perhaps consider for a minute what type of liquid they are or how they smell before starting to scream a bunch of curse words.
According to the Sexual Assault Crisis Center, there are at least five common responses to referring victim-survivors automatic non-consensual reaction to the nightmare incident:
1. Fight
Physically or verbally saying no, with actions like pushing or attacking, showing aggression.
2. Flight
“Swift movement or an act of passing through space” (Merriam-Webster). Leaving the space (danger) unexpectedly, “I’ve to got to get out of here”.
3. Freeze
Or tonic paralysis due to panic and being overwhelmed. This does not mean the survivors consented. According to research conducted by the Nordic Federation of Societies of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 70% of rape survivors reported “significant” tonic immobility, and 48% reported “extreme” tonic immobility during the assault.
4. Flop
You will be showing a little emotion similar to freezing. You will be unable to think, and your body will go limp. This response is an automatic response that can reduce the physical pain of what’s happening to the survivors.
5. Friend
Feeling powerless, the survivors will be friendly and try to negotiate with a person who is dangerous. This also could be interpreted by asking someone (or screaming) to help in a dangerous situation.
The explanation worth highlighting is that we don’t get to choose what kind of response we hope to give. There is no right response other than something that will make us safest.
I refuse to use the term “misogynist” for my father’s identity, as much as the mentioned sentence quite seems a misogynist way when you are in the middle of a conversation specifically discussing sexual harassment.
It’s certainly challenging to discuss contemporary issues with some of the boomer generation or people who focus on the victim-blaming narrative. But, if you happen to face the same situation as mine, your family (specifically your parents) happens to fall into the trap of logical fallacy; I presume it’s best to counter them by educating without being gasoline right in front of the bonfire.
Anyway, my dad went silent after that.
Certainly, you don’t need to “have” already in the shoes of the nightmare incident to become a decent human being or survivor of sexual harassment. Indeed, you do not need your family to become the “victim” to understand such a response. It all starts with educating yourself for the sake of your self-quality.
What to do if you are experiencing sexual harassment?
If you are experiencing sexual harassment on public transport and feel you would like to speak to someone for support, call:
- 1500–102 (Transjakarta)
- 1500–332 (MRT Jakarta)
- 112 (Jakarta Siaga/Emergency Call)
- 0813-1761-7622 (Pusat Pelayanan Terpadu Pemberdayaan Perempuan dan Anak/P2TP2A)
