Illustration created by Gallardo Labs for GE

The Best Way for Design Leaders to Repair Burnt Bridges

What to do with a relationship that went wrong

Relationships are a beautiful, complex, and ever-evolving component of what it means to be human. Building them based on trust and collaboration has been central to our species’ survival since the beginning, serving as the pillars of a happy and successful life. In the current 21st century digital world, personal relationships have become more intricate than ever and are an essential part of modern-day work environments. Cultivating them determines who rises to the top in their field and mastering them distinguishes a great leader from a good one. This is especially true within the design industry.

I spent over 16 years discovering and sculpting my own personal relationship skills from various experience levels and power position angles. Currently, as the co-founder and CEO of a premium digital experience agency, I focus most of my time on utilizing and refining these skills as I lead our diverse team and wide range of accounts. While considering new potential team members and client partners, I look for soft skills (communication, character, attitude, emotional intelligence, etc.), just as much as hard skills(talent, expertise, tool mastery, technical ability, etc.). I consider them both to be of equal value, and rightfully so. As digital ecosystem and product designers, it’s our job to create and cultivate deeply personal connections between brands and their customers using design.

At the end of the day, all relationships — personal and professional — are based around the same thing: people.

But let’s face it, even for the most talented experts in this area, on the way to reaching important life goals, bridges can get burnt. Whether planned out of necessity, in the heat of the moment or done unintentionally without a clear understanding of why — it happens. The desire as a professional and overall kind human being is obviously to avoid any relationships ending on a bad note…or ending in any final way whatsoever, but sometimes it is simply unavoidable. As time passes, you may naturally have the urge to repair some of those relationships that you’ve come to realize are important to you or perhaps you simply want to make amends for closure. Here’s how you can do both:

Step 1: Be sincere

Ask yourself why you want to repair this relationship. Be honest. Do you want something from this person? If the answer is yes, then stop reading now because this process won’t work for you. If your reason is heartfelt, continue on.

Step 2: Understand the root “why”

During this period, it’s important to focus on your part in the situation. Ask yourself this series of questions to get to the real, raw, and honest truth behind why what happened, happened:

1. Why did the relationship end? What went wrong?
2. What role did I play in it?
3. Why did I make the choices I did at that time? Did I do it out of fear? Pride? Embarrassment? Judgment? Shame?
4. Did the bridge burn slowly without me realizing it was happening? If so, why didn’t I notice? What can I do better next time so that I’m more aware?
5. Was it something that I did intentionally or by accident? If intentional, why? If by accident, how can I avoid it from happening again?

Step 3: Build compassion & empathy by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes

Ask yourself these questions to understand how the person might have felt at the other end of the bridge:

1. How did the situation affect them?
2. How did they suffer afterward?
3. What consequences did they have to face?
4. How do you think that made them feel?

Now sit with that for a while and let it paint you a picture of their experience.

Step 4: Discover your lesson learned

Understand how you could have handled things differently in order to get a different outcome. Get creative. Use those UX & design skills of yours to explore and map out every possible hypothetical scenario. Were there any actions could you have taken that would’ve avoided the relationship ending? And taking it further — if it hadn’t ended as it did, would you still have been able to get your desired outcome in the end? Turn what was most likely an unpleasant situation into a learning experience.

Step 5: Extend an olive branch

Reach out to the other person in a non-intrusive way. Try emailing them something that could help them or congratulating them on a recent success. Approach them with sincere intentions and vulnerability. Address the situation that went down, but don’t dwell on it. Don’t apologize or ask for forgiveness, unless absolutely necessary. Simply express your desire to reconnect in a wholehearted way.

Feeling nervous about this step? Don’t be. How the bridge went down will be remembered, but it will probably feel to them now like one big ball of a negative experience — not a vivid recollection of every cringe-worthy thing you did. Intense detailed memories of anger and pain typically fade with time. They will be softened by the memory of you as a whole person, all the things they appreciated about you instead, prior to the incident that took place.

If your message is clear and genuine in intention, don’t overthink how it will be received.

Step 6: Wait

There is nothing more you can do at this point. If the other party values your relationship as much as you do, they will respond and accept your reconnection.

If you give someone honest good energy, it is usually well-received and appreciated. But if they don’t reciprocate, that’s 100% ok. The ball is in their court and the rest is out of your control.

Taking the initiative to go through this entire process until this point is a massive leap of self-improvement that you should feel proud of. By facing someone from your past, expressing their importance to you, and opening back up that door into your relationship, you are already reversing some of the damage you may have caused, even if it isn’t acknowledged by the other side.

Illustration created by Gallardo Labs for GE

Important to note: This isn’t a quick fix.

Repairing a burnt bridge should take years — not days, or weeks, or months — years. Anything less than that does not give you enough time to thoroughly reflect, empathize, and learn from your mistakes. I never promised this would be easy. Have patience and give yourself some credit. You are making yourself a better person just by trying. That, in itself, is worth the attempt.

I’m Nicole Gallardo, Co-Founder + CEO of Gallardo Labs, a new kind of digital experience agency designing products & ecosystems that redefine what’s possible. I am focused on pioneering an agency culture where different is better, mistakes are opportunities, and the design process is rooted in compassion. Have a question or want to share your thoughts? Email me at nicole@gallardolabs.com.