Seven Ways to Raise Caring Kids

Teaching perspective and empathy in an all-about-me culture

I was visiting a Kansas school when I happened upon two boys engaged in serious conversation with their principal. The eleven-year-olds were suspended from class for another heated debate over their shared locker. Each accused the other of “messing with my stuff,” but the principal was using a different discipline ploy. She handed each a Think Sheet, which required the boys to answer from the other’s perspective. Questions included “What happened?” “How do you feel about what happened?” “What would you like to tell the other person?” “What is the best way to solve this problem so both of you are satisfied?” Listening to their reactions was priceless:

“I’m not him, so how do I know how he feels?”

“This is too hard,” said the other. “I can’t figure out what he wants.”

And that was their problem: neither thought about how the other felt because each was seeing only “their side.”

The principal’s perspective-taking strategy was a brilliant way to help the boys figure out the feelings, thoughts, and needs of someone besides themselves.

Perspective taking is the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs.

I like to call this essential habit the “gateway to empathy,” because it helps us step into another’s shoes, feel what another human being is feeling, and understand the world from his or her point of view. Mastering perspective taking is an important part of instilling a deep, caring connection with others. It’s also a habit that students need for every part of life — from handling playground disputes today to mastering boardroom debates tomorrow.

When children can grasp another’s perspective, they are more likely to be empathetic, anticipate the other’s behavior or thinking, handle conflicts peacefully, be less judgmental, value differences, speak up for those who are victimized, and act in ways that are more helpful, comforting, and supportive of others. And the list goes on.

Studies also show that kids who understand others’ points of view acquire what I call the Empathy Advantage: they are better adjusted, more popular, have healthier peer relationships and even have a huge employment edge in today’s globalized world.

And there’s more good news: perspective taking can be taught to students from preschool to high school (as well as beyond). It’s also clear that the best way to teach kids about perspective taking is finding meaningful ways for them to step out of their own shoes and experience the “other” side.

I’ve spent the last few years touring the world to find best practices to nurture children’s empathy. The “Think Sheet” was just one of many educator strategies to help students understand another’s thoughts, needs and feelings. But I found dozens more and wrote them in my latest book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World as a practical, research-based guide for expanding children’s empathy capacities.

Here are seven ways to weave perspective-building into your lessons from UnSelfie.

Assign “feeling and thought” reading logs. A Washington middle school teacher assigned her students to read The Diary of a Young Girl but varied the usual lesson by creating reading logs. As they read, students were to note in their log page numbers, a one-line description of what was happening, and how they would think or feel if they were Anne. The simple strategy helped students step into a tragic time of history and grasp-at least a little deeper-the impact of the Holocaust.

Use books. Books, especially literary fiction, are one of the best ways to help transport us to other worlds. Here are a few student favorites. Younger kids: The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, by Jon Scieszka; The Bedspread, by Sylvia Fair; Through Grandpa’s Eyes, by Patricia MacLachlan. Middle level students: The Pain and the Great One, by Judy Blume; Wonder, by R.J. Palacio, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, by John Boyle. Teens: To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon, Black Like Me, by John Howard Griffin.

Perspective-stretching questions might include: “What’s the perspective of [character]? Whose view is missing? How would you feel? What would you do differently?”

Try shoes, hats, and scarves. Laurie Coon, a Dublin, Ohio counselor, teaches an empathy activity with shoeboxes filled with ice skates, cross-trainers, slippers, army boots, stilettos, and so on. Students pull a shoebox, step into the shoes, and describe who might wear them. You could also use the props for story prompts.

Hold a paper-shoe test. An Oregon English teacher helps her ninth graders understand characters’ perspectives by using six paper shoe cutouts. Her test for Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is for students to take turns stepping onto each cutout and describing that character’s views and feelings (Romeo, Juliet, Lady Capulet, Tybalt, Mercutio, Friar Laurence). The teacher told me that the exercise not only enhances her students’ perspective for each character, but it is also their favorite test.

Offer real shoes! A variation to the high school teacher’s paper shoe test is to use real shoes with younger students. Just bring in pairs of over-size shoes, put each main character’s name (like Charlotte, Wilbur, Fern and Templeton) on a sticky note, and stick them on each shoe toe. Students can take turns jumping into each shoe as they describe how they feel and what need based on what they understand that character.

Switch the pronoun. Sally Songy, a Palm Springs second grade teacher, holds a yearly “Hero Week.” Each student identifies someone they admire in history, and read biographies or watch films about the individual. Next, each writes a brief paper about the person’s life and why they chose the person but it must be written from first person. (“My name is Dwight D. Eisenhower. I was born…). Finally, each child steps into the shoes of their hero by creating a costume from boxes, paper bags, material, construction paper and wears it as they read their paper to the class on “Hero Day.” Songy says that requiring the simple pronoun switch from third to first person, and then dressing up as their hero helps stretch her students’ perspective-taking abilities.

Hold a 24-hour hunger strike. How do you help students step into another’s shoes when they have never experienced strife? One teacher in Ontario, Canada found a way by giving his senior class an unusual assignment: “Identify a disadvantage you’ve never experienced like living in a homeless shelter, being blind, or motor impaired. Now find a way to understand what it feels like to be that person and then write up your experience.” Some students decided to do a twenty-four-hour hunger strike (with parental blessings) to understand famine. Not only did they gain a new perspective, but the activity also activated their empathy. Many now volunteer to feed the hungry.

There are numerous ways to vary the activity and help your students step into the shoes of someone who is challenged. For instance: Blind: Wear a blindfold and try to move around the classroom; Mute: Sing but cover your mouth; Deaf: Put in earplugs and headphones and try listening; Learning challenged: Attempt writing backward or while looking in a mirror. Physically challenged: Try navigating your surroundings from a wheelchair. Then always ask students to reflect on their experience.

Understanding what another thinks, feels, wants, and needs takes practice and ability, and sometimes ingenuity.

So look for those ways to stretch students’ perspective-taking abilities and weave them into your lessons. Doing so will help us all graduate students with strong minds and caring hearts.

UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba is available now from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and your local retailer. All rights reserved.

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an award-winning educational psychologist and an expert in parenting, bullying and character development. She is the author of 22 books. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.