If You Aren’t being Assertive, You Aren’t Getting Anywhere
As a Career Coach, I listen to people’s challenges on a daily basis and have become quite familiar with the need to tip toe the fine line between being polite and amiable and being assertive.
The majority of people are deeply concerned with how their assertiveness comes across, especially women. Am I being too pushy? What if they see right through me? How do I say what’s on my mind without sounding arrogant?
By the time people muster up the courage to actually speak up, the damage is done. One of the most common reasons for an unfulfilling career and life, is not that you are in the wrong profession (although that’s up there too), but that you have lost your voice in an effort to not seem difficult or disruptive. Instead, we end up turning to passive aggressive tactics, blaming others, and participating in petty office politics to get what we want, which makes you even more disruptive and difficult to work with than if you were to communicate your needs to begin with.
We’ve all done this before.
Maybe we get passed up for a promotion, or are given mundane tasks that make us feel like our opinion doesn’t matter. We let it go once, twice, a few times, and before we know it we’re 8 years in to the job and getting no where fast. It’s one thing to confront your employer about the situation, and it’s another thing to let it slip so far away from you that no amount of communication will regain the respect, transparency, and rapport lost from becoming the token disgruntled employee.
If we dig deep, what we will discover is that we aren’t really frustrated at others for a lack of progress in our careers, but instead we are frustrated with ourselves for not being able to express our needs and our beliefs effectively.
Our frustration comes from giving our own power away to others every time we choose politeness over effective communication. Instead of blaming others, we can take responsibility for our situation and take actionable steps to fix it. What we first need to understand about assertiveness is that it does not mean aggressiveness and it certainly does not mean being a deliberately demanding jerk. Assertiveness really is about embodying your principles, morals, beliefs, and abilities, and articulating these in a manner that is direct, honest, and diplomatic.
Below are a few tactics you can develop to become more self aware and more confident in speaking your mind:
#1. Turn your needs into the needs of your company and your boss
If you are getting bogged down with more and more tasks and aren’t getting any of your work done, your needs absolutely affect your boss and his/her need for efficiency. Having a conversation about prioritizing tasks is a great way to discuss this topic. Your discussion should focus on optimizing your time in order to help your boss accomplish his/her tasks.
Don’t say: I don’t have anytime to do all of these projects you give me and I’m swamped.
Instead Say: I’d like to make sure we are on the same page about what we need to get done to meet this month’s deadlines. I would like to focus my efforts on those specific tasks and find other solutions to how we can manage all of the other less “top priority projects.” Managing your expectations is important to me so I can better assist you in XYZ. At the moment, there are a few items I think we can delegate to other departments which will free up both of our time to focus on what matters.
#2. If you’re not used to it, Practice Practice Practice
Start small by making a list of what you want to change in your current job. Do you think you deserve a raise? Is your boss not giving you important tasks and you crave more responsibility in order to feel fulfilled? Write EVERYTHING down, and start with the least important. Being assertive takes practice. You’ve been hard wired to not be disruptive for so long, that it’s better to gain some confidence first. Going straight for the promotion conversation may not be the right move for some, especially if you’ve made a habit out of being accommodating.
Start in areas of your life where you may not even realize you’re being passive. For the next two weeks, “I don’t care” is off limits to you. What do you want for dinner? Where do you want to go for drinks? What do you want to do this weekend? Even if you really don’t care, make it a habit to provide an option. Being apathetic to decisions seems harmless at first but it puts your brain on autopilot and before you know it, you’re saying I don’t care when you really DO.
#3. Be prepared by keeping track of your accomplishments
When it comes to getting what you want and speaking up for yourself, having hard evidence of your accomplishments to back you up will not only give you confidence in your abilities, but will strengthen your argument and provide you with leverage by showing your true value. When it comes to raises and promotions, this is especially important.
Keeping track of your projects/tasks on a daily or weekly basis (whether through excel or other project management tools) will give you amo for when you need proof of how you’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty. This also helps in general for quickly updating your resume and staying on top of your day to day tasks. Win win!
Sidebar: If you do have the conversation about your promotion and are promised more money, stocks, equity stake, etc, make sure you send a follow up email confirming what you discussed in your meeting. I have lost track of the amount of times I’ve heard a person say they were promised a promotion or raise, only to be told it never happened (I’ve made this mistake myself). Having documentation of the interaction at the very least will help you sleep at night.
The Takeaway: Developing strategies to help you communicate your needs is crucial in finding your voice and in turn living a fulfilling life. If we aren’t living our truth, we aren’t empowered. What is equally important however, is recognizing when you find yourself complaining about your situation.
Complaining is a red flag that you aren’t saying your piece, and in any situation you have three options: to fix the situation, to accept the situation, or to leave the situation.
