Gaming Myself Happy: A Blog About Mental Health & 500 Video Games
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Depression sucks.
That’s a bold statement I know, but after being stuck in a total hole for large chunks of the past two years, I feel like I can put some weight behind it.
Mental health is something I tried to avoid thinking about for most of my life, and something that I can now clearly see has affected me for almost the entire time I was trying not to think about it.
The last couple of years have been some of the hardest I’ve ever been through. I’ve been incredibly low, angry, stressed and lonely, and I haven’t been able to do very much of anything. There have been moments of effort, of attempts to claw back a little bit of energy and hope and positivity, and there have also been the crashes, where I’ve disappeared from my own life for months at a time, and become completely isolated from the world.
Mental illness has taken a lot from me: the creative work I enjoy, the friends and relationships that mean the most, the music and films I’m passionate about. But there’s one thing that it couldn’t steal, even in the worst times: the wonderful world of video games.
For as long as I can remember, I would turn to video games in my darkest moments just to help me get through. As a teenager facing huge amounts of bullying and loneliness in High School, I would immerse myself in video games at home, and they would help me to feel safe and happy for a little while. Games like Final Fantasy 7, Goldeneye, Crash Bandicoot, Super Mario World and Metal Gear Solid helped keep my head up through some REALLY hard years.
A few months ago, I had an idea: what if I did something that could make use of my love of gaming, while also giving me an excuse to start writing again (something that the healthy version of me loves doing, and cares about quite a lot)? In fact, this idea may just be a way to hack my own brain, and begin to take some small steps out of the hole I’ve been stuck in.
My plan was to find and play the best video games that have ever been created, and to keep a blog-journal about my experiences along the way. I found an article on Polygon (a gaming site that I read fairly often) that had exactly the list I was looking for: they had painstakingly put together their Top 500 Video Games of All Time. I wondered whether it would be possible to play every single game on that list, and then I wondered whether that could ever be an interesting thing to read about.
In the past I’ve written about science, philosophy, religion and creativity, and these are all ‘big’ things that I feel passionate about. But in my recent state, I couldn’t bring myself to even think about ‘big things’; most days it’s hard enough just to brush my teeth or eat a solid meal.
So instead, I decided to write about something that doesn’t really matter at all: something light, something pointless, and something that might just help me work through some of the issues I’ve been facing. Maybe I can take gaming, which has often been a mind-numbing distraction, and use it as a way to finally express some creativity again.
At the time that I’m finally releasing this series, COVID-19 is spreading around the world, and a lot more people may find themselves isolated, alone, and stuck at home playing video games. For those of us who are already dealing with mental health issues, this can be a huge challenge; my hope is that this blog could be a small way to connect with others during a time of separation.
So, whether you’re a fan of games, or depression, or both, I hope this will be a relatable and slightly interesting journey to share. There will be some fun, a lot of pointlessness, and probably some really difficult shit to process as I continue on this journey of trying to get better.
So welcome to the first part of a probably-extremely-long series called ‘Gaming Myself Happy’. I hope you enjoy and get something out of it, but if you don’t, who cares: it’s just video-games!
A couple of practical notes: first, I’m trying not to look too far ahead of myself on the list. I have to know a few games in advance so that I can prepare, but I also want to keep the element of surprise, so feel free to join me in not spoiling any future games!
Second, I’m fully expecting to find a bunch of titles that I can’t possibly play: maybe I don’t have the right console, or I can’t find a copy, or the game is too old to run on modern computers. I will always try my hardest to find a way to play each and every game; but if I can’t, I will at least research and watch some gameplay videos online.
Third, this list only includes games released up until the end of 2016 in order to avoid recency bias; so there’s no Breath Of The Wild, God Of War or Red Dead Redemption 2. This means I’ll get to experience more of the older games that I might have missed, so I’m fine with that.
Finally, I’m not going to force myself to complete everything on the list. For one thing, it would take forever; for another, pushing myself to finish a game I don’t even like may not be conducive to a positive life outlook right now. I’ll play until I get bored or frustrated, but I will at least give every game enough time to convince me.
EDITORS NOTE: Oh, hi! This is Jon, writing from the present day: I’m releasing these articles about seven months after first beginning the project, as I didn’t want to pressure myself to publish anything too quickly. I’m currently playing Game #237 (Sonic The Hedgehog 2), so the project is moving forward nicely!
I’ve edited my original notes a little, but I wanted to keep them as raw and in-the-moment as possible; so I‘ll write any extra comments or thoughts from my present-day self in these ‘Editors Note’ quote boxes!
Okay, with all that out of the way, it’s time to get started. Bring on the first game!
GAME #1: Ballblazer
RELEASED : 1984
PLATFORM: Atari 8-bit
REVIEW: “quick and intense… spectacular graphics” — Computer & Video Games
BallBlazer. Ball… blazer.
Blaze… lazer… blazer…
Yeah, I guess I don’t have much to say about this game. It isn’t exactly the most promising start to my journey. To begin with, it appears to be designed for two players, which isn’t particularly useful for somebody who has barely left the house in the past three months.
But wait… maybe this is just the sign I need! Maybe, instead of playing through 500 video games and wasting even more time in this hole, I could get back into the world, find a friend, reach out and connect with somebody, actually cooperate and tackle this game TOGETHER…
…oh wait, no, I found the Options menu. You can turn on the Computer opponent there. Cool.
So Ballblazer is kind of like hockey, but you control a sort of ‘futuristic’ hover-car. You can only move on a 2D plane even within the 3D world, which is REALLY confusing: you can move forward and backwards, and shuffle left or right like a really smooth crab, but you can’t turn or look around you.
I mean, I know this game came out in… *checks Google real quick*… wow, 1984! Okay then. I guess at the time it was revolutionary to be able to move in any direction.
Anyway, I beat the computer 10–0 on my first try, and while that might have been on the easiest difficulty, I still felt pretty good about smashing my opponent into the ground: it’s quite a nice boost for my self esteem!
Luckily, achieving this stunning victory also took me to the End Credits screen, so I could tick the game off my list and move on to something else, hopefully a little more fresh, modern, and immersive than this 1980’s relic.
GAME #2: Arkanoid
RELEASED : 1986
PLATFORM: Arcade (NES version played)
REVIEW: “Fast, colourful, simple and addictive… [a] great little game” — Computer & Video Games
It’s a little known fact that every single human being alive today has played some version of Arkanoid. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s just science.
This game was kind of a big deal back in 1986. Sure, everyone had seen ‘hitting bricks with balls’ before, in the similar game ‘Breakout’; but while that other title was a simple one-level situation, Arkanoid had multiple stages, powerups, invading aliens, and even a final boss!
To be honest, before I played it today I didn’t know this game actually ‘ended’. To my surprise it even has a story, told entirely through two powerful and engaging screens of text. Here’s the start:
Okay, it’s a little bit vague, but it’s better than nothing! And here’s the conclusion to the game (spoilers!):
Man, that’s some serious plot right there. I’m not sure what it all means, but it’s definitely a story. Thank God that we managed to destroy dimension-controlling fort ‘Doh’, but I don’t know whether or not it’s a good thing that ‘time started flowing reversly’? Never mind, I’m sure it’s fine.
The story doesn’t matter though; it’s all about addictive, block-busting arcade action. All the moments you remember are here: collecting the ‘multi-ball’ power-up that splits your ball into three (and then instantly getting over-excited and losing them all); getting stuck for minutes on ONE SINGLE ANNOYING-ASS BLOCK that’s in a stupidly awkward spot that even NASA scientists would struggle to figure out the correct trajectories for; and then feeling immense amounts of sheer unadulterated pleasure when you finally pop that last pesky rectangle.
I feel the need to confess something: I was playing a version of the game that automatically gave me infinite lives. I tried to turn it off, I really did, but to be honest there is no freaking way I could ever have completed this game with a 3-life limit. Seriously, it’s a legitimate life-skill to be good at Arkanoid. I don’t think I passed a single level without dying at least four or five times.
EDITORS NOTE: If you want to see somebody who’s actually good at Arkanoid, check out this video. Now jump ahead to around 2:47, as he’s approaching the final stretch of the game, and you’ll see an empty shell of a man! This guy looks like he’s been through a war; he’s sweating, and pale, and has an empty look in his eyes like he’s SEEN some shit. Video games are serious stuff!
With my infinite lives, it took around two hours to beat the final boss and complete all 33 stages. That final boss wasn’t exactly much to look at, as this screenshot demonstrates:
But it was, at least, an interesting and surprising way to end the game.
I had a fun couple of hours with Arkanoid, and it definitely earned it’s place at the absolute top of my ranking so far. Congratulations!
By the time I finish playing, it’s 2am. My sleeping patterns (which were never stellar) have been completely destroyed over this last year, to the point where I’m often awake until 6 or 7am, waiting until my eyes literally can’t stay open before I finally drop off to sleep.
A lack of sleep is destructive to mental health on a good day, so when you add this to all the other things I’ve been facing recently, it’s a pretty shitty cocktail. Unfortunately, it’s also STUPIDLY HARD to overcome.
Maybe cracking this whole sleep thing is the first big boss-battle of my journey to getting better. If I can even begin to pull my sleep patterns back to a slightly more normal place, it will make every other step that little bit easier.
So, I’m going to try. Before I start the next game, I’m going to attempt the first level of Be Better At Sleeping. I’ll let you know how it goes!
