Of God’s Creatures and Fallacies
Believing myself a brave person has contributed to my ability to exist by myself. Not sure, if I am just an imaginative pigeon telling myself fantastical lies that keep me fluttering. Now, there hold it! In case you didn’t realize, fluttering does keep the pigeon from crashing head-first into the ground as it does me from nosediving into the hard grounds (called life). Read on if you have the courage.
My husband has been traveling for work ever since he found out that I can brave his absence apart from the fact that his work needs him to. Whatever the primary reason be, we both welcome that break from squabbles and pointless arguments so we can rethink better ways to spend our time together. Every time, he leaves, he asks me if I and the kids were going to be okay. I always answer affirmatively in the manner of the most self-assured woman to walk this planet. Ha! Been doing this forever. Don’t worry about it.
Important to mention here that I have cultivated a great degree of courage by pretending that I have it too. I mentally go over the maneuvers (several times, with variations) between me and the imagined assassins/robbers that may break in while the warrior is away. I check the locks repeatedly. The fact that I live in one of the safest countries in the world is temporarily dismissed as I switch my ninja mode on. I declare to my children that their home is a fortress, and I am the general keeping it, so they need not worry till my Achilles heel shows up, at home in its natural habitat- the Tropics.
What can challenge me except a crawly, sneaky creature of the night? The Gecko. It brings its A-game and explores my fortress for its weak points or holes in the walls. Sometimes, it lets me believe that it has moved on to other abodes and when I switch on the lights in the wee hours, it jumps with the joy of startling me from its post right above my head. Evilness. Contrary to the other bravehearts telling me that we scare each other equally, I know that it knows that I blink and cower. As soon as the gecko sees me sway, it rushes toward me in its cruel offensive to seal its victory. I retreat and pray fervently that it does not follow through with its threat to scare me to death.
When this event unfolds in front of the man of the house, he often pretends to ignore that ‘snake in the making’ crawling on our walls. Just another one of God’s creatures, he throws my words back in my face. You see, I understand when a man denies the fact that his very resilient wife fears an animal, being the self-professed animal lover that she is. Besides, he has seen me standing resolutely during accidental monitor lizard and snake sightings, which is a common occurrence here. You let the snakes pass before you walk on and a lizard on the wall makes you jumpy. I just cannot believe it. Even at such moments, I do not question my courage, I question my choices in life and the poetic paradigm of love.
He used to shoo them away back into the AC vents or those slivers in the walls of this old house we live in, but no more. This, I brought on myself. During one of his shooing operations, he accidentally swatted the creature and it died. He showed me his devotion to ‘slaying my dragons’ and I thoughtlessly chided him for seizing the life of another one of God’s creatures. I didn’t meet trouble halfway, I went looking for it. So, now he respects my boundaries and lets the creatures be, scary or otherwise.
Alas! I recruit lieutenants now in the form of friends and neighbors who graciously come in and shoo the geckos away. I treat them to tea or coffee or refreshments or all of them for rescuing me in the nick of time. They smile at me, indulgently or condescendingly, I cannot say, as I effuse gratitude. I also clarify that I do not condone gecko-killing and that I am not scared of others such as beetles, cockroaches, or spiders. They acknowledge kindly the kink in the invincible general’s armor and go away with the polite promise to be there for me.
Also, reaching out to people when I need help is another act of bravery for me. How does one accept their weakness and seek help? I am working on it and the geckos sure make me work harder to improve this aspect of my self-perception. It is Gecko season here.
Despite everything, I feel blessed in my belief and my intrepid assumptions about my abilities. This write-up is not about admitting my unfounded faith. It is, in fact, to highlight how well-aware I am of my fallacies. It is about my ludicrous fears driving my behavior and causing my actions. It is about those like me that find ways to beat their troubles back and remember to keep those ways clean.
Inspired thus by the fearless flicks of an exasperated gecko’s tail, I bend my fear to come out as brave as I believe myself to be.
