Fucks I Had to Not Give Today
1. Pimple. No concealer. Fuck.
2. Frizzy grey-and-many-colored-calico hair cause I got no job and no fucking time to blow dry that shit.
3. GREY EYEBROWS. Seriously, wtf? What the fuck do I do about grey fucking eyebrows?
4. I was planning to wear my leggings but changed my mind at the last minute and walked out the door in shorts-length fitness pants that really showed off my I- haven’t-had-time-to-fucking-blink-let-alone-shave-my goddamn legs in the past, oh, five or six weeks. Fuck it. I’m claiming European today.
5. My new, all natural hippie deodorant doesn’t work. And I’m going to be dancing. In public.
6. Dancing. I’m a worse fucking dancer than I am a singer. Which is bad. Really bad.
7. Dancing in public with a glaring pimple and frizzy fucking multi-color-but-not-on-purpose hair, grey eyebrows, six-week long, black leg hair, and stinky fucking armpits.
8. Cried. In public. While dancing. Fuck.
9. Running to catch the fucking bus, in flip-flops. And shorts-length, tight black fitness pants.
10. NO ONE WEARS SHORTS-LENGTH FITNESS PANTS IN PUBLIC IN ENGLAND.
11. Holding up the bus queue cause my fucking bus pass expired and I got not fucking cash cause why the hell would my bus pass suddenly expire with no notice.
12. I’m the stinky obnoxious American woman with hairy legs, dressed entirely inappropriately, holding up the bus queue. Who the fuck let me go out in public?
13. Flip-flop stuck in mud while walking home cause fucking expired bus pass, tripped, hot latte spilled down front of tight, black fitness pants and running down hairy legs. Rainstorm. Latte-less.
Your Humble Hostess With the Mostess