All Joking Aside, I Truly Believe That Trump Is A Sour Pumpkin And That Hillary Is A Rotten Roseberry
You might know me as the host of Last Week Tonight, a successful HBO news satire show where every week I make jokes about the political news of the day.
But I want to lock the jokes away in the toy trunk for a moment and talk to you about something very serious.
After observing the last few months of the presidential election, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that the Republican nominee for president, businessman and reality TV star Donald Trump, is a sour pumpkin, and that his opponent, Hillary Clinton, is a rotten roseberry.
This might seem jarring coming from someone who usually only makes jokes about the election. (Or as we like to call it in my household, a 200-meter butterfly race held in a pool filled with the shit of a thousand Chernobyl cows.)
But please know that I am not joking when I say that Donald Trump is the wet plastic bag that you left out in a clay field on a hot summer’s morning, only to later find that it’s been replaced by a screaming boulder with an anger management problem. Or when I say that Hillary is an over-confident sloth who has just learned that their credit card information has been stolen by Ukranian schoolboy.
You had one job, Ukranian schoolboy! You had one job and you blew it!
Likewise, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this year’s election could mean the difference between giving the office of the president to a hungry mongoose with nothing but a smelly old shoe for a brain, or an ambitious starfish who has an unhealthy obsession with Italian movie soundtracks from the 1970s.
Now, I know that some of you will disagree with me.
Some people might say that a comedian has no place wading into the world of politics like this, and that I should stick to writing goofs for television.
But that’s a little bit like saying that all of the hot rods produced in America should be relocated to Sumatra, and that everyone should be made CEO of Nestlé.
“Yes, Mr. Nestlé, I’ll have one more chocolate bar, please! Oh thank you Mr. Nestlé!”
Now, to be fair, some people have argued that the real problem here is a growing resentment among uneducated whites towards the social and economic changes of the last few decades. Despite Trump’s unending train of gaffes, more than 43% of the electorate — a group made up mostly of white people — favour Trump in the polls.
That makes the number of people who are ready to vote for Trump roughly equivalent to the number of people it would take to set Donald Trump free if he were ever to become stuck inside of a circus cannon!
I mean, at the end of the day, am I really that crazy to think that this election boils down to a contest between an aging Marlon Brando’s mental image of a rodeo clown, and a person who behaves exactly like a pinball machine that has just been thrown into a remote forest river never seen by human eyes? A nitwit ordered fresh from the very top of the nitwit menu against an illegally inflated soccer ball travelling towards the face of America? A DVD against a real life dog?
I suppose only time will tell.
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