Forget About The Machines: Most Humans Today Couldn’t Pass A Goddamned Turing Test

Word on the street is that Google, Microsoft and your mother are all assembling engineering teams that will soon give the world hyper-intelligent vacuums, pain meds and Lamborghinis. They say that soon we will have machines that are capable of convincing humans that they are themselves human—machines that are, in other words, able pass the Turing test.

You want to talk to me about artificial intelligence? Forget about the machines. Most humans couldn’t pass a goddamned Turing test these days.

Just look at these people, debasing themselves on the internet for views and clicks, pawing at their smartphones like rats in a lab, regurgitating entire textbooks during university exams. I would pay good money to see these jokers try to convince a group of scientist that they were not built in an engineering lab filled with sweaty, Ritalin-addled white males.

“How many likes did my video about weird science facts get? How are we doing on social this month? Have you seen that show that’s out right now? I love to engage with people. This. We need more people in STEM! I’m so quirky! The numbers, I want to see the numbers!”

You want to teach a self-driving car to recognize a frisbee flying across the road? I’m pretty sure most human kids these days wouldn’t know what a frisbee was if it hit them in the face.

You want to build a more intelligent world? You want to make sure that your precious human baby boy doesn’t get mistaken for a Roomba in a few years?

Scrap the whole higher education system and replace it with a simple test: no one graduates unless they can convince a tenured professor that they are a human.

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