My Experience Microdosing Water (Part 2)
In my last article, I described my plan to experiment with microdosing water. This viral Silicon Valley trend is said to improve inspiration, innovation and creativity, while maintaining your mouth at a perfect level of dryness.
Every hour, I dosed ten millilitres. Here were the effects on Day 1.
6:00 AM — Having completed my second phase of polyphasic sleep, I unbuckled myself from my standing bed and downed exactly ten millilitres of charcoal-filtered water sourced from an ancestral aquifer ten miles north of Reykjavík. Mood: Ebullient.
6:45 AM — After my first cup of Bulletproof coffee, I passed approximately seven inches of greenish stool.
7:30 AM — During SoulCycle, I fell into a whirling vortex of energized Knowing. According to my FitBit, the trance lasted two minutes and 46 seconds, 13 seconds longer than my average.
8:15 AM — In the steam room, while the Puerto Rican boy massaged my hamstrings, I felt a brief spell of dizziness. Got eighteen new twitter followers. Did not tip the boy.
9:15 AM — 11:00 AM — Blacked out in the Uber, half-way through my chia seed recovery smoothie and immediately after my morning bump of ketamine. Came to in the office with a bleeding nose.
11:30 AM — Screamed for half an hour at Kasandra, our social media intern. She didn’t cry this time. Startup idea: Uber for vacuuming.
12:30 PM — Lunch with investors. Was hard not to order an extra glass of water. My mouth was so try, I had to hire someone on Fiverr to bike over and rub my tongue down with a piece of wet bread. The Shah would like to see a progress report. I tried to explain that what we’re creating doesn’t fit on a fucking spreadsheet, bro, but my tongue was swollen and covered with crumbs. I think the translator got the gist.
2:00 PM — Startup idea: Uber for furniture.
2:15 PM — Promoted a designer to Creative Director. Sent the old Creative Director to Sales. Told Sales I wanted them to start doing their off-sites exclusively at the trampoline share down the street, which I own half of. The old Creative Director will lead ideation sessions during trampoline jams. The new Creative Director says he has a hook-up for kratom.
2:20 PM — Freebased synthetic caffeine derivative with a blowtorch and last year’s Webby Award. Mouth hurts.
2:45 PM — Onboarding session for new front-end developers. Screamed at them about innovation until I vomited. Startup idea: Uber for dust.
3:15 PM — The glans of my penis has turned blue. Startup idea: Uber for lined paper.
4:00 PM — Google Hangout with co-founder. Says his lawyer is pushing for a mistrial. Also, that bail is not accepted in bitcoin form runs counter to the ideals of the Founding Fathers. Said I would drop by if he put me on the visitor’s list. I won’t. He’s a terrible twin.
5:15 PM — Evening sex with an intern. Did not ejaculate. Life essence = preserved.
5:30 PM — Uber for gravel.
5:35 PM — Uber for public roads.
7:00 PM — Looked in the bathroom mirror, noticed my eyes were crossed. Couldn’t uncross them. They are very dry. Tried licking my fingers and rubbing my eyes, but my tongue felt like a tweed jacket.
7:35 PM — Eyes uncrossed while I did TRX in my office. Completed 1600 atomic push-ups.
8:00 PM — Uber for cars.
9:00 PM — Late dinner with Julian Assange. He Skyped in. Had some interesting theories about the Marvel Universe. I ordered the moistest thing on the menu, chorizo. Extremely spicy.
10:00 PM — Practised DJing in my bedroom.
11:00 PM — First phase of polyphasic sleep.
11:20 PM — Uber for humans.
Overview: Aside from oral aridity, did not notice any significant changes — either to my mood, thought patterns or daily routine. Better luck tomorrow, I hope!
