We Need To Cut Down On The Number Of Technologies That Can Flatten Your Body Like A Pancake

People who know me know that I’ve always been a champion of new technologies. I am always on the lookout for gadgets that can give me a competitive advantage in this increasingly fast-paced world.

But my opinions have evolved over the last few decades. I once embraced and surrendered myself to all new technologies, in a spirit of playful experimentation. Over the course of my career, I have grown increasingly wary and careful.

It has come to the point where today, I believe that certain technologies are so dangerous that we must cut down drastically on their availability.

I am speaking, of course, about technologies that are capable of flattening your body like a pancake.

I love this gun.

Again, I am not some kind of Luddite. I once shot myself out of a bow, like an arrow. I once, without hesitation, strapped myself to a rocket several times the size of my body.

I once wore a refrigerator on my back filled with ice, so that a machine hanging in front of my body could turn the ice into snow, so that I could ski down a mountain in the middle of the desert.

I will admit that in retrospect, all of these experiments were very dangerous.

But contraptions that flatten the body until it is wafer-thin are the most dangerous, and our world would be better off if it were harder for people to get their hands on them.

At the moment, all of these technologies are available for purchase over the phone. They might even be free, I don’t remember ever paying money for anything.

While we’re on this subject, I’ll say that I have also grown very wary of the following kinds of technology:

• Technologies that can turn you into a walking accordion
• Technologies that can squeeze your body into a long tube, which you must gather together like a lasso
• Technologies that can burn you to a crisp, causing you to disintegrate into a pile of ash with only the eyes intact
• Giant springs

This article would also not be complete without a note on dynamite.

Dynamite is fine. If one of you technology geniuses could develop more technologies that involve dynamite, I would love that. I will buy dynamite until the day I die.