Gay Men & Our Desire for Deep Connection
We are capable of genuine and loving connection, even if we’ve convinced ourselves that we’re better off alone.
Loneliness is an intense emotion that can make us act and think in many different ways. As gay men, we grapple with loneliness as soon as we realize we’re attracted to men. We hide our true, authentic selves from friends, family, our community, and even ourselves at an early age. We put up walls, we lie or tell half truths, and show up partially to every relationship, not because we don’t want to be fully seen or connected, but because we fear what might happen if we do. That sustained fear over time is the trauma that we bear as gay men.
Connection is an integral part of human life. It’s how we survive and thrive as people. However, many of us convince ourselves that we don’t need or are incapable of deep connection. It’s easier to hold this belief than to live in constant heartbreak and disappointment over the fact that others change or withdraw their connection from us when they find out we’re gay. There is a battle happening within us between our innate desire for connection and our belief that we do not want deep connection, and this battle has casualties.
Let’s identify some of these casualties, dispel myths we grow to believe about ourselves, and identify ways we can heal from this experience.
Casualty encounters
When we are driven by loneliness that’s paired with a struggle to form deep connections, we engage with others in ways that don’t always feel fulfilling. Even after coming out to our family and friends, we can still show up to those relationships in partial or inauthentic ways. We continue to put up fronts, no longer to hide our sexual identity, but because we never learned to undo the habit of hiding a major part of who we are. We have yet to learn how to show up wholeheartedly with our loved ones and romantic partners.
In gay world, we are able to be our full gay selves, but not necessarily our full human self. We experience joy and pleasure in many forms, but rarely do we feel seen or understood outside of our body, style, sexual position, social status, etc. This can increases feelings of disconnection and reinforce the belief that we’re better off alone. It’s possible to enter into romantic relationships, but showing up fully and authentically can still be a challenge. Hearing and saying “I love you” can feel foreign and uncomfortable.
When an entire community of people struggle with forming connection and practice vulnerability and authenticity, it makes it really hard to find love. We chat and meet up for physical pleasure hoping that this will fulfill our need for connection, but it rarely fulfills that need in a sustained way. If we don’t heal our emotional wounds and replace old connection habits with ones that yield deep connections, we will remain stuck in a cycle of feeling unfulfilled and lonely. The casualties in this case are our heart, mind, body, and spirit.
People who were never given the opportunity to learn how to connect and love in a loving and fulfilling way will engage with others in ways that could hurt the other person and themselves. As gay men, we may not have been given the opportunity to fully connect with others growing up, but we can give ourselves that opportunity today.
Gay myth busters
Contrary to the myths you may hold about yourself, you are:
- worthy of love
- a spiritual being
- capable of deep connection
- 100% that bish
Our life experience as gay men forced us to believe that we’re better off alone. Don’t fall for this false narrative, sis. You do not have to live off of crumbs when you starve for a hefty bite of love and connection. No matter what your parents, community, religion, or our society says, you are worthy and capable of showing up as your full authentic self and be loved unconditionally for it. You do not have to be someone you’re not in order to obtain someone’s love and connection, including your own.
If your relationship with yourself has been damaged by lies and rejection for simply being gay, give yourself the space and time to acknowledge it, assess the damage within, and do the work to heal and reclaim a positive sense of self. Do not accept a broken relationship with yourself.
You are capable of building the skills needed to build close, meaningful relationships with others. Every negative experience from your past may be screaming for you to stop, but don’t listen. Keep going. Thank the inner voice for trying to protect you from further pain and suffering, but tell it that you’ve got it from here.
Have you tried healing the pain away?
Healing inner pain from our childhood is hard work. As tough and messy as it can be, it’s also rewarding and crucial for our growth. You may have already done some of this work, perhaps without even knowing. Some of the more common ways of emotional healing are therapy, journaling, talking with friends/lovers/family, and self-help resources. I encourage you to tap into any and all of the different ways of healing that are available to you and that feel right for you.
Below, I offer additional ways in which we can heal, clear the path toward creating deep connections with others, and gather the strength to do this work.
- Recall and reframe childhood memories. Often times, some of the most salient memories from our childhood stick with us because of the strong emotional impact they had on us. Explore memories from your childhood that relate to your sexuality or that impacted the way you moved through the world as a gay person. Try to show up to the memory, not as your younger self, but as your current self witnessing a scene. Recall what was said, who was there, and the impact it had on your younger self. Keep your consciousness in your current self and reframe this scene for your younger self. Tell him that what he just heard or witnessed was not deserved or his fault. Let him know that he is filled with strength and beauty that is rooted in his gayness. Let those words settle within your current self, as well.
- Connect to our gay ancestors. Throughout history, gay men lived, loved, fought, and died with joy, shame, guilt, anger, power, grace, and beauty. Many refused to settle for the crumbs this world offered. Instead, they learned to prepare lavish meals and invited other gay men to the table. Connect with that part of your gay ancestry. Read books, listen to podcasts, watch films, and talk to gay men who lived before you. Our community has a culture that is rich and full of wisdom and strength that can help us understand ourselves in ways straight society could never teach us.
- Reach into the future. Envision healing and growth. Visualize yourself being, living, and connecting in ways that fulfill your inner desires. Give yourself a break and chance to exist outside of your current struggle and challenge. Make room for hope and aspiration. Let them be the wind that blows into your sails that will propel you toward the life you want. When you set intention and create new beliefs for what is possible, your mind, heart, body, spirit, and the universe will conspire to make them happen.
As gay men who grew up as gay children in a world bent on refusing to understand us and to reject us, we must take the time to understand ourselves and the pain we carry. Not only that, we have to let go of the belief that our pain was deserved or our fault. This world was not kind to us, but that does not give us permission or reason to continue to be unkind to ourselves.
We owe it to our younger self to learn what he was never taught — how to connect with others in a deep, authentic, and loving way without fear or need to be anything other than who we are. He is still starving for love and connection. Offer him the chance to experience connection and fulfillment.
Reflection questions
- How do I show up with the people and connections in my life? Fully, authentically, guarded, etc.?
- Do these feel fulfilling to me or does part of me still feel like something is missing?
- How have connections in my life looked like up to now? How do I want connections to look like in my future?
- What do I need to do in order to create the types of connections I want? How committed am I to doing this work?
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