Gay Men & the Culture that Creates “PV Gays”

In the midst of a global pandemic, many gay men are turning to parties in Puerto Vallarta. Understanding why is the first step toward making sure it doesn’t get worse.

Social media on New Year’s Eve and the days following has been a dramatic saga. Gay men are getting called out for hosting and attending massive parties in cities like Puerto Vallarta, Rio de Janeiro, and Houston during the deadliest time of the COVID-19 global pandemic. Videos of a gay party boat sinking, pictures of crowded circuit parties, and memes referencing these events are drawing commentary from the gay masses, holding these men accountable for their actions (or shaming them, depending on your perspective).

The culture in the gay male community that leads to this type of behavior is something that has long needed to be addressed, understood, healed, and replaced. I offer my perspective as a gay man and mental health professional to shed light on issues that I’ve personally faced in my healing journey and help my gay clients navigate in theirs.

It’s not enough to criticize and hold “PV Gays” accountable for their actions. There has to be an awareness and collective effort to change the culture that creates the mindset of partying during a global pandemic with a complete disregard to one’s own safety and that of others. In order to change it, we have to understand it. We have to understand ourselves.

So, grab your life jacket and let’s dive in.

My lonely heart will go on… partying

Gay men have a shared life experience of growing up in a society that explicitly and violently rejects us for who we naturally are. This pain and rejection that is rooted in our identity and starts early in our childhood results in emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma that creates a deep sense of loneliness, self-hatred, and more. We’re left seeking an ocean of meaningful connection, love, and affirmation in the desert that is our society.

However, when we do find that gay oasis, it many times offers connection and belonging that is conditional, shallow, and toxic. Value and self-worth is dependent on what we look like, whom we’ve slept with or are able to sleep with, our material possessions, and exclusive social circles riddled with substance use. It’s the opposite of what the hurt little gay boy inside of us needs in order to heal. In fact, gay culture imposes additional trauma and normalizes toxic behavior and thinking among us. We push this toxic gay culture onto each other and the trauma that goes with it.

This gay life experience and culture creates men who possess a lonely heart, a hard body, a perfectionist mindset, substance use problems, and a diminished sense of empathy. As society is forced to stand still during this pandemic, we witness this behavior on social media during the worst part of a deadly global pandemic by gay men whom we’ve condemned and labeled as “PV Gays.”

This is only the tip of the iceberg

There are so many more issues that lie just beneath the surface in the gay male community — body image issues, self-hatred, substance use, racism, exclusionary socializing, hypersexualization, and so on. “PV Gays” have forced us to grapple with many of these issues here and now. The tendency to show off their fit bodies, party with similar-looking gay men, and post thirst trap photos and videos has resulted in the public exposure of not only their selfish, irresponsible, and dangerous behavior, but how this mentality is pervasive in gay culture. Thus far, holding them accountable has been met with anger and claims of bitterness and jealousy toward them.

It’s a real life example of the pushback we can expect, from others and within ourselves, as we address and try to change the problematic ways in which gay men live, think, and relate to one another.

What we as a community of gay men need to understand is that, while we should hold “PV Gays” accountable, we are all carrying the same wounds and trauma that leave us vulnerable to behaving in such irresponsible ways. We may not be booking flights to Puerto Vallarta and dancing at circuit parties, but we have behaved irresponsibly and in harmful ways to ourselves and others at some point. This doesn’t make us bad people. It’s a result of the unhealed pain that stems from our childhood and our desire for love and genuine connection that our society doesn’t offer us and that we haven’t learned how to provide to each other as a community.

So how do we go about fixing this? Here are three ways.

1. We build and practice empathy. Empathy for ourselves, our trauma, and our mistakes. Empathy for others whose trauma manifests in harmful ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward others and themselves. Empathy is not a free pass for reckless and toxic behavior that inflicts pain onto others. It does, however, allow us to see in other gay men and ourselves, the hurt child whom the world rejected and didn’t teach how to love himself, trust others, build a strong sense of self-worth, or seek and accept love that doesn’t require him to change anything about himself.
2. We heal ourselves and extend healing to others. We are strong, creative, intelligent beings who have the capacity to heal ourselves and offer healing to others. Hold each other accountable when we have to while also being willing to be held accountable. We must be of the mind that genuinely wishes healing and growth in others rather than waiting to witness their demise. When one of us heals and grows, we all benefit.
3. We offer authentic connection and genuine love to others, and we learn to receive it for ourselves. The damage to our sense of safety, trust, and self-worth as gay men begins as childhood and it creates false narratives and beliefs about ourselves and others. We develop a sense of hyper independence that’s rooted in mistrust of others and our natural desires. A belief that we’re unlovable and unworthy of love takes root inside of us, which causes us to simultaneously numb from thinking and feeling it and reinforces it by doing things that make us feel shame and sink in regret. Genuine love and connections with other people offer us a path out of this self-defeating cycle and toward a healthier way of being with ourselves.

External validation is not the lifesaver you seek

Gripping onto things like whiteness (whether you’re white or living adjacent to whiteness), your physique, social media followers and likes, the number of men you sleep with, drugs, material things, and career achievements, as you’re drowning in loneliness and worthlessness, will not give you the relief you seek. It may provide momentary satisfaction that life is better because you’re “better” than others in some way, but it’s just an illusion. The way to effectively manage these emotions is to lean into them and your humanity. The more you separate yourself from others mentally, socially, and physically, the longer you will feel what you’re avoiding.

Understand that your worth is not dictated or dependent on what you look like, your race/ethnicity, body type, or any of the other superficial aspects that we’re pervasively forced to believe as gay men and that we push on each other.

Dig within yourself and connect with the little gay boy that lives inside of you who is still hurting and searching for love and connection. Read the following statement to him. Let the words land on and heal his emotional wounds.

“Dear gay boy,

The world lied to you. You are loved and worthy of love. The pain and rejection inflicted onto you was not deserved. You did nothing wrong by being born gay.

This world failed you; it has failed itself. It refused to acknowledge your strength, beauty, and divinity. It withheld the love that every child needs and deserves — that you need and deserve.

I see your wounds. I feel your pain. I acknowledge your suffering. I invite you to let go of it; to set yourself free. I offer you my love and protection in return. I will create a life of love that will sustain us both.

I’m here for you. I’m here for us.”

The time has come for us to heal for our life. Make the necessary changes within and outside of yourself to create the life that will truly meet your needs. Seek out support in your healing journey from a therapist or life coach who is qualified to help gay men. Do not be afraid of our own humanity, for it is what will create paths that lead to genuine connections with others.

Dear, gay boys. I’m rooting for you.

Read “A Gay Man’s Manifesto for Love, Healing, and Growth”

If you or anyone you know contemplates suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273–8255 or the TrevorLifeline 1–866–488–7386 to receive immediate help and support.

Resources

• [Life coaching + Podcast] Buck Dodson — buckdodson.com/coaching | Gay Men’s Life Lab — Apple, Spotify
• [Videos] Barrett Pall — Commentary on PV Gays; Gay Anxiety
• [Book] The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, Ph. D.
• [Podcast] The Spiritual Gayz Podcast — Apple, Spotify
• [Podcast] Generation Shallow — Apple, Spotify
• [Life coaching + Podcast] Evoco Center — evococenter.com/events | GerleMen Podcast — Apple, Spotify
• [Life coaching] Queer Conscious — queerconscious.com
• [Life coaching] A Road Trip to Love — aroadtriptolove.com/private-coaching
• [Counseling] Find a gay therapist near you

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