Why ‘Straight-Acting’ is a Troubling Term for Gay Men
The ‘No Femmes’ mentality reinforces that archaic idea that being openly gay is something to be ashamed of. It’s time to challenge that.
Before I came out and accepted myself for being gay, I was trying desperately to hide it.
For the longest time, I tried everything in my power to edit myself. My voice. My manner. The words I used or didn’t use. How I walked. Laughed. And cried.
Anything to make myself appear as a traditional man’s man.
As a gay man who lives in the countryside, I rely heavily on dating apps to remind me of the fact I’m not ‘the only gay in the village’.
That there are more out there, like me, albeit a few hundred kilometers away.
But with each new profile, faceless or otherwise, is a now common tagline attached — ‘straight-acting, masculine…no femmes please’.
I read it with an eye-roll every time and wonder to myself, who on Earth decided what is or isn’t masculine?
But the tagline is becoming a staple part of the gay community. And it’s an attitude that should be challenged.
Emphasis on Masculinity — a blight on the gay community
‘Masc 4 Masc’ stands for a self-identified masculine man looking for another masculine man. Found on dating profiles, it’s usually followed by a defensive cliché such as ‘not into femme, no offense, it’s just my type. Respect that.’
In this context, the masculinity they refer can mean anything from —
— someone who is predominately interested in fitness, sport, wood-cutting…you know, manly things?
— who can pass as a heterosexual person in public, and seen as ‘straight-acting’, because being ‘too gay’ is a bad thing?
— isn’t into traditionally ‘feminine’ things or gay culture such as drag queens, fashion, pop music…or anything relatively fun.
Let me be clear, I think it’s perfectly fine and acceptable that in this world of billions of people, you have a type. I think it’s perfectly fine to be looking for a set of characteristics from a potential partner.
But equating that as a gay man, other men are beneath you simply for being who they are crosses so many boundaries it’s ghastly.
When I see ‘no femme’ taglines, it reinforces that archaic idea that being anything other than straight is mediocre and something to be ashamed of.
I’ve had many men on these apps using my being out as a gay man as some sort of a negative — ‘oh so people KNOW you’re gay?!”’ sets off some sort of alarm bells in their head.
To explicitly state traits you think are negative from a man, and to sign-post that on a public profile is quite tactless and reinforces decades upon decades of stigma leveled against the gay community.
It’s internalized homophobia on a public scale.
That by being straight-acting is somehow a ‘superior life choice’, fails to recognize there are many, many types of masculinity in the world. And femininity.
And really when you think about it, equating liking rugby instead of RuPaul’s Drag Race as something which makes you more of a man, is a pretty narrow mindset which reeks of privilege.
And it’s long time we address this.
Hetereonormativity and internalized homophobia
At teacher training college, we had whole semesters on child psychology based around homophobic bullying. In Ireland, it’s a topic that was incredibly interesting given our long lineage of Catholicism.
We learned as a society how we put hyper-masculinity and hetereonormativity on a pedestal— how society tends to accept, unknowingly, that straight life is the normal, only choice.
At college we began learning how societies obsess with masculinity can often lead to toxic bullying in a variety of settings, especially in school and the workplace aimed at those who do not fit into the mold.
Why it’s important for some men to feel like a conventional masculine man, and more importantly that everyone else in society sees them as manly too. The phrase “man’s man”, springs to mind.
We learned how rappers in music continue to use the term f*ggot to emasculate their competition. Calling them gay was a direct attack on their masculine identity, making them appear ‘less of a man’.
Because someone decided somewhere and somehow that if you weren’t straight you weren’t counted. And if you liked men, akin to how straight women like men, well you’re just not the full man anymore.
We heard how in many, many cases of school shootings in America, most of the bullying that acted as a catalyst for the violence stemmed from attacking ‘masculine identities’ — many of the perpetrators were called gay. Psychologists examined whether being called ‘less of a man’ was a reason for making them do heinous acts of violence to ‘prove themselves’.
It struck me, listening to how society covets masculinity, that as a marginalized group in society, the gay community can perpetrate these stereotypes tenfold.
Perhaps it comes from an internalized homophobia, how we are so ingrained in seeing masculinity from traditionally straight roles , that we potentially want to amplify that in our community?
What It Means To Be Gay And ‘Femme’
In a Huffington Post video titled ‘What It Means To Be Gay and ‘Femme’’, Corey Camperchioli explains succinctly how the gay community treats those who have feminine traits.
He explains how he was told by an acting agent that he’d not get work because he was ‘too gay’, and that he should hide that part of himself.
Camperchiol also touches on how on dating profiles which call for ‘straight-acting masc guys’ are offensive and stem from some sort of self-hatred, because it’s telling people being gay is somehow wrong.
Let me debunk that mystery for everyone — being gay is OK. Be the type of gay you want to be, and see in the world. Be interested in rugby, in drag, makeup and fashion, fitness and/or candle-making — everything and anything you see fit.
Because we spend so long learning to love ourselves for being who we are, without the added pressure of having to edit yourself for people in the community.
Don’t try and focus on what kind of man you are, or aren’t in someone else’s eyes.
Be unapologetically gay. Be unapologetically yourself.
