Dear Jesus
GAYoda: Today’s global magazine for gay Christians
Dear Jesus,
Our love story is the greatest one of all time. At least, that is true for me — a gay man.
And I already know that whatever I now write in this article will be insufficient for what my heart wants to shout. But here goes.
Love
How do I begin to describe what Your love is like? Every analogy is too small, too few. But here’s what comes to my mind right now.
Your love is like the warmed blanket the nurse puts on me after I have come out of surgery.
Your love is like walking down a completely dark alley on a moonless night; I am instinctively fearful until I remember that You are with me.
Your love is like being presented with the dessert tray after a fully satisfying meal. Every item looks obscenely delicious — and I know I can have anything. In fact, You give me the entire tray — with no calories!
Your love is like walking through a busy airport, and suddenly, from nowhere, the favorite of old friends appears. A joy; memories of good times flood the mind.
Your love is like being unable to complete the bench press that I started; I’m totally spent, but You lift the bar for me.
And Your love is like looking through some really powerful binoculars. At first, everything is out of focus. But after fiddling with the knobs, suddenly, everything becomes perfectly clear. And the view is breathtaking!
Our First Date
I was 22 years old. We had never previously formally met. I knew about You, but I didn’t know You. I had not yet experienced You. Sure, I knew You were born on Christmas and died on Easter, right? Little did I know that on that fateful evening in May of 1975, You would become real to me. You changed, in an instant, from being a story — to being something in me! My born-again moment is sort of hard to accurately describe. But inside my body, it felt like something was cascading off my eyes. A transformation. It also felt like a burst of energy — like unfiltered joy.
I promised that I would never leave You. And in return, it felt like I was given a promise that I knew You would never break. A commitment to forever stay with me.
It sounds trite, but You have become my best friend. Not like a make-believe friend. Rather, I dearly love just “hanging out” with You! I am always certain that You are listening to me. Rather, it is more accurate to say you understand everything I want to share with you. I felt validated.
Until I met You, I believed that when I died, I would go to a place called “Purgatory” — where my sins would be burnt off. How long would I be there? Who knows. I knew I didn’t want to spend hours, months, centuries in that transitional place. But that belief changed once I actually became united with You. I now know that whatever the future brings, I will be aligned with You. Forever.
In summary, our first date brought certainty to my life. No more walking on eggshells. Instead, my footing was suddenly and enduringly solid. My faith is that I will always be wherever you are. And You will always allow that to happen.
And ever since our first date, nothing has shaken my faith in You. Nor will it.
Solid.
Rock solid.
Gay Identity
Jesus, You can certainly remember the day I knew I was a homosexual. I was 30 years old. All of my life previously had assumed I was “normal” [the word “straight” didn’t even exist at that time]. My erotic attraction to attractive men was something that I assumed was true for every man. I presumed all of us males experienced this homoerotic experience. Still, I believed we all were too afraid to make this secret known (sort of like masturbation). You helped me learn that my assumption about my sexuality was untrue. Not all males are like me.
I was crushed by the realization! Confused. In a fog. My self-identity had become unglued, only to become permanently attached to the reality that I am gay.
And I was scared. What did this understanding mean for my future? I had a terrific Air Force career up until that revelation. Now, I would absolutely need to hide my new identity — or face immediate expulsion from my rocketing career. Now that I had the knowledge, I also had the burden of living as a spy in an enemy camp. Suddenly, I needed to be scared; I needed to be closeted.
Furthermore, what would this new identity mean for my marriage of seven years? My wife’s reaction was one of horror and fury! She assumed I had “tricked her” for all of our marriage. So she gave me an ultimatum: eliminate these damn attractions to men … or else!
And, of course, Jesus, You remember what my life was like during conversion therapy. Hopeful. Confident. But with each week of treatment, I became more and more worried — nothing was changing. What if I cannot extinguish all of my same-sex attraction? My wife would be vengeful; she would assume I wasn’t trying hard enough.
She later presumed that I was demonically oppressed, mentally ill, a pervert, and a werewolf (i.e., one way during the day; a different way at night). These persecutions were not because I had committed adultery, because I had always been faithful. No, they were entirely because my same-sex attraction had not left me. Gosh, Jesus, it was awful. And yet, despite my wife becoming my worst enemy, she was still my best friend. I loved her so dearly. I needed my wife’s love so desperately, but her form of conversion never came.
Nor did mine.
Please understand that my wife was a wonderful lady — beautiful, witty, strong, decisive, wise, full of integrity, loyal, and more. She was the world’s best mom and grandmother. Literally, to know her was to love her.
Still, she and I fought. Loud, angry voices. We were nothing like what we were during our first seven years of marriage. She was exasperated with me. And I was so defeated over the reality that I could not prove to her that I still loved her wholeheartedly. We were two precious people who savagely fought like caged animals.
Consequently, I cried. Anguished, heaving sobs. Lots of times. Why can’t I change? Why can’t my wife trust me anymore? I took a lie detector test. I did everything the professional and evangelical communities assured me would eliminate my same-sex attraction. But that form of change was not forthcoming.
Then, You stepped in.
You reassured me that everything was going to be alright.
I clearly remember the night it happened in 2003. My soul calmed — and I was certain it was because of You. I had suddenly been paradoxically comforted — I would never lose my gayness. And yet, I was convinced that everything would be as it should be.
You, Jesus, in Your mysterious way, brought me a guarantee that I was going to be okay as a gay man. And that somehow, my life was going to, amazingly, proceed to new pastures. Not the former meadows of the “good old days” where my wife and I trusted each other. Rather, it was a new, expansive field that I would enter into. I had no idea what the new pastures would look like; I just knew You would take me there.
My life became a mosaic of broken, gorgeous pieces of glass — all restored into a sparkling image.
I became a confident gay man. Satisfied that I was loved by You. My gayness was no issue to You. Shoot, You always knew I would become gay — even before I was conceived! And You gently transformed me into a peaceful person. Not into being straight. Instead, You allowed me to love myself, seeing myself correctly. Because that is precisely how You considered me: beautiful and priceless. Just as I am!
Gay Marriage
The last few years of our 41 years of marriage were awful. Neither trusted the other, and we could never return to Edan. We silently acquiesced into a “roommate” relationship. No progress, only the distant memories of the warmth of our first seven years together. The halcyon days of youth were impossible for us to return.
And then it happened.
My wife suddenly incurred incurable cancer. Eight months later, she died. But in those final eight months, we changed as a couple. We softened. We cuddled and held hands. We cried together. We were a team again.
And on that fateful evening in November 2017, while I held her hand, she became “no more.” We had fulfilled our promise to our family and friends — and to You. Our covenant was that we would stay married “until death do us part.”
And only through death did we part.
The next year was staggering; aimless. I volunteered and served coffee to the homeless. I joined a prison ministry and regularly visited those whose only hope was in You. I mentored a drug addict — never preaching to him, only serving him dinners at Chic-fil-A and having great talks. And, as You know, somehow, my addict friend found You.
But in my heart, I knew I was made for more. I was groomed by You to help fellow gay Christians.
It became my calling.
From nowhere, You brought gay Brothers to me. They were hurting, confused, and some were even addicted. They were a wonderful mess. Just like me.
Thousands came.
What also came was another remarkable act of Your love. You helped me to see that “it is not good for man to be alone.” You slowly, methodically transformed my beliefs.
You remember. I was staunchly anti-gay marriage. Then You helped me see that Your very essence is love. You cannot not love! Whatever Your energy is, it is the only, absolutely a pure version of “love.” And You helped me understand that when two men share a love for each other, we taste Your love.
So, in August of 2021, I took a proverbial leap of faith. I trusted that you would be delighted if I married the right man. So I courageously began the dating process. And that man literally came knocking at my door!
Today, Reggie and I are very, very happy to be married to each other! This is no syrupy hoax of which I speak. Nope. Each day we praise Jesus for bringing us together. Our souls are well-knit. Each new week brings a further strengthening of our love and a profound appreciation of how pure and shimmering love can be.
Jesus, You fully know me and know Reggie. You know our hopes and longings. You know our sufferings. And You knew them before they actually happen!
So, Jesus you foreknew that Reggie and I would need a “suitable helpmate.”
And You provided that to us.
Today
Wow, what a journey I have had so far! As I am typing these words, I rejoice over our love story. The love saga between You and I had a beginning. And like all good Hallmark movies that start out lovey-dovey, Edan is suddenly pulled out from under the lovers. All appears to have been tragically lost.
And then comes Jesus.
My rescuer. Certainly, my friend. And yes, even my lover.
So, Jesus, our love story is indeed the greatest love story of all time!
You gay Christian readers may think you, too, have a unique, unsurpassed love relationship with Jesus. And you would be correct.
All of us gay Christians share a commonality. We each know that our attractions will never change. But neither will our love of Jesus — and His love of us.
Thank You, Jesus.
I love You,
Mike
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology) is the founder/writer for GAYoda: Today’s global magazine for gay Christians. Click here to access the library of GAYoda articles. Contact Dr. Rosebush at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
