Erotic Touch Among Gay Christian Men
I know the details
Gay and straight Christian men engage in erotic touch, regardless of one’s marital status. And the data may astound you!
Overview
God designed humans to require physical touch. The longing to touch and be touched is universal. Science consistently indicates that touch has tremendous value for physical and emotional health. In contrast, people who fail to engage in touch … die. Their condition is referred to as “failure to thrive.” As evidence, ask anyone who was isolated during the covid epidemic. Yep, we all innately know that we need physical touch.
So if physical touch is so absolutely vital — and our ability to thrive depends upon it — what prevents humans from engaging in it to their heart’s content? In some cases, people have been deeply traumatized by harmful physical touch (e.g., physical or sexual assault). However, often humans fail to seek or provide contact because of cultural or religious insistence.
For example, anytime there exists a “purity campaign,” you can be assured that there will be an emphasis on the restriction of physical touch. Christians are particularly prone to messaging about the harms of erotic touch.
So lets you and I look at the types of physical touch. Next, we will review our “normative group” — what current science teaches us about the amount of erotic touch of evangelical Protestant men, age 18–22 in America. Then we will examine the types of gay relationships — and the physical contact that occurs within each relationship.
This article is descriptive in nature and purpose. I will provide you with the facts, plus my observations. However, I do not offer judgments about the morality of each form of touch. I am certain the Holy Spirit can best guide you into the proper forms of physical contact for you and your life situation.
And perhaps, by the time you have finished this article, you may appreciate that gay and straight Christian men are not too different from each other.
Types of Physical Touch
All forms of physical touch between two adults can be divided into four types, listed in the order of increased intimacy: 1) platonic; 2) affectionate; 3) foreplay; and 4) intercourse.
Platonic touch is simple and common. Examples include a handshake — a very common greeting between two strangers or acquaintances. The handshake lacks intimacy and is almost always acceptable in any context (covid permitting). As familiar as a handshake is in certain cultures, a hug of short duration may be the preferred greeting in other societies. The same cultural norms exist concerning holding hands — a form of platonic touch that is completely acceptable for some situations; more guarded in others. And a platonic kiss (to the cheek or closed lips) can serve as a greeting in many cultures while avoided in others. In summary, platonic touch is generally a form of greeting that is culturally and relationally acceptable.
Affectionate touch is sometimes playful but is also appreciably more intimate than platonic touch. Examples include a “gay hug” (i.e., lingering and melded into “one body”). Cuddling (i.e., sitting or lying next to someone, such that the bodies are touching and potentially intertwined) is gaining popularity as a normalized form of affectionate touch. Another form of affectionate touch would be either receiving or providing a massage. Affectionate touch is almost always virtuous and healing, as long as it is non-coerced. Science has recently glorified the benefits of affectionate hugs, cuddling, and massages. If a person is not receiving sufficient affectionate touch, he may pay money for such professional services. Case in point, hiring someone to provide a massage or cuddle is becoming culturally prized in America.
Foreplay is designed to arouse oneself and one’s partner. Physiological signs of foreplay include heavy breathing, increased heart rate, reddening of the skin, erections, and moistening of genitals. Typical forms of foreplay include: deep tongue kissing; touching of one’s “private parts” and sensuous areas (e.g., nipples, genitals, “g-spot,” “p-spot”); masturbation; and fellatio or cunnilingus. Foreplay usually precedes intercourse — and is often used to arouse and bring a strong desire for intercourse. However, foreplay can be a means unto itself (i.e., not leading to intercourse). A couple may be content to receive “merely” a deep kiss. Or a couple may desire an orgasm that does not involve intercourse (i.e., orgasm through masturbation, fellatio, or cunnilingus).
Intercourse is a form of erectile penetration usually designed to produce an orgasm in the provider or receiver, or both. Vaginal intercourse is, of course, how the man and woman may make a child. In some Christian faiths (i.e., Catholic), the sole purpose of vaginal intercourse was to produce a child. For most others, intercourse is the height of intimacy, arousal, and pleasure. Anal intercourse may occur between straight people. However, anal intercourse is clearly viewed by gay men as their equivalent to vaginal intercourse.
For purposes of this article, the term “erotic touch” is defined as foreplay or intercourse.
Erotic Touch Among Christian Men
In 2019, David Ayers reported in the Institute for Family Studies research that quantified the amount of sexual intercourse, foreplay, and sexual partners of Christians. The data was sorted by Christian faiths (i.e., evangelical Protestants; mainline Protestants; black Protestants; Catholic; no faith). Furthermore, the data was parsed by males versus females, plus 15–17 years old versus 18–22. The information was not able to differentiate straights from gays.
The results were shocking to many traditionalist Christians who had assumed people of their faith would generally abstain from foreplay and certainly from intercourse. They were wrong.
The findings demonstrated that men consistently reported having had more intercourse than women. Furthermore (and perhaps obviously), people who were 18–22 years old (i.e., college age) reported more intercourse than those who were 15–17 years old (i.e., high schoolers).
There were noticeable differences among the Christian faiths. Black Protestants consistently reported the highest amount of intercourse. Conversely, evangelical Protestants had the lowest report of intercourse. But even for the evangelicals (or perhaps especially for the evangelicals), the results were very disappointing to the “purity” crowd.
Never-married evangelical males of college-age (18–22) had a 65% report of engaging in intercourse. Said more clearly, two out of every three never-married evangelical males will have engaged in intercourse by age 22. Even more incriminating, that same group of evangelicals was engaging in lots of foreplay. The data indicated that 74% (i.e., three out of every four) never-married evangelical males of college-age (18–22) had engaged in fellatio, cunnilingus, vaginal intercourse, or anal intercourse.
Shockingly, such common engagement of erotic touch among evangelical males of college-age was not merely with one monogamous partner. A whopping 74% (i.e., three out of every four) of these never-married evangelical men had reported having had foreplay or intercourse with two or more partners. Thus, the vast majority of evangelical college men were “sleeping around.”
And, dear readers, the evangelicals were the “sexually purists” of all the Christian faiths — even though three-fourths of the men engaged in foreplay and intercourse with multiple partners. The data increased sequentially for Catholics (78%), mainline Protestants (82%), and black protestants (84%). And my goodness, the results of the Christian men were the same as those college-age men who held no religious faith whatsoever (83%)!
This level of promiscuity among never-married Christians is indeed shocking to the evangelical parents who invested so much time and effort into the “purity campaign.” These college-age men were the recipients of the purity dogma and training. Said another way, the purity campaign appears to have had no impact on men’s later sexual behaviors. Some researchers even argue that the purity campaign increased promiscuity among Christian men who were taught to abstain. Darkly, the staggering amounts of promiscuity — among those who believe in abstinence — is a virtual recipe for later sexual addiction.
The study did not differentiate the levels of foreplay and intercourse of straight Christian men versus gay counterparts. That said, gay Christian men can hardly be significantly more promiscuous than the very high bar set by their straight equivalents! And yet, the common folklore among straight Christians is that the gays are “rampantly promiscuous.” Thus, equal gay rights, dignity, and love are often withheld from gay Christians — whose actual sexual behaviors are potentially more holy than the straight men. Does this strike you as hypocritical? Yup.
Erotic Touch and Gay Christian Relationships
Gay Christians generally have three options for a committed relationship: 1) celibacy (i.e., the spiritual calling to stay single throughout one’s life); mixed-orientation marriage (a.k.a., MOM); and gay marriage.
Celibacy. Those gay Christians who are celibate (and therefore single) intend to also abstain from all erotic touch. Success in doing so is very challenging. Not only are these celibate men pledged to remain single, but they also must repress every sexual temptation. And repression has a paradoxical impact upon abstinence. One might assume that the more a man focuses on abstinence, the less the erotic touch. Science does not bear this out. Some studies indicate that the more one focuses on not engaging in erotic touch, the more likely the person will binge on such sexual behaviors. And binging is associated with sexual addiction.
MOM. Men who are gay (or “experience same-sex attraction”) and married to a woman usually experience a conflict between whether or not to engage in physical touch with a man. And if so, which type of physical touch — and how often? Gay men in a MOM can certainly engage in platonic touch. Furthermore, more and more science indicates the overall health of gay men who engage in affectionate touch. In my experience of mentoring thousands of gay Christians, it is certainly not uncommon for gay Christian men in a MOM to engage in some type and quantity of foreplay with another man. And of course, the MOM gay man who engages in anal intercourse with another man is guilty of adultery — a very serious offense both biblically and within most marriages.
Thus, MOM gay men have many challenges in thriving (as it concerns their ability to access healthy physical touch). For example, even though science encourages affectionate touch, the gay man’s straight wife may discourage it. Such conflict becomes a real dilemma for the MOM gay Christian. Another example is that a MOM gay Christian may engage in physical affection but then proceed into foreplay. Afterward, the man may be wracked with guilt (be it false or real) and feel the need to confess such sexual activity. Rare would be the Christian wife in a MOM who would nonchalantly accept her husband’s admission of masturbating or having fellatio with another man. Finally, adultery (in biblical standards) is commonly considered grounds for divorce. Thus, the MOM gay man who has a “Grindr hookup” and engages in anal intercourse with another man would undoubtedly have dramatic distress and potential life alterations if confessed to his wife.
Gay Marriage. Gay Christians in a gay marriage typically do not distress over a physical touch of any form with their gay husband. However, most gay Christian marriages would be threatened if either husband were to engage in erotic contact with another man (unless both husbands were in an “open marriage”).
Conclusion
God designed humans to be in a relationship: to experience relational longing, erotic sensations, and heightened pleasure via intercourse. One could conclude that it is God’s “blueprint” that humans become attracted to someone, engage in physical touch, and absorb into a committed relationship. Such certainly is true for straight and gay men alike.
Straight Christian men are extremely promiscuous. So are, one assumes, gay Christians (although there is no science to support such a claim). Traditionalist straight Christians demonize gays as being promiscuous — resulting in injustice towards gay Christians.
And gay Christians scratch their heads in dismay at the hypocrisy.
Jesus: “Whichever of you who never did anything wrong be the first to throw the stone.”
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Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder and author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read a short synopsis of his story here.
Read Dr. Rosebush’s complete set of articles here.
Dr. Rosebush provides friendship support to gay Christian men across the U.S. and can be contacted via Facebook or mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
