Gay Husband + Straight Wife = Mixed Bag
How Evangelical Couples Can Thrive in a Challenging Pairing
“Mixed Orientation Marriages” (MOM) among evangelical Christians stand an opportunity to flourish or fail miserably. I was in a MOM for 41 years — separated only by my wife’s death by cancer. Additionally, I have mentored hundreds of evangelical men who possess same-sex attraction (SSA) and are married to a straight evangelical wife. Here is what I have learned. Trust me; it gets complicated!
Overview
This article speaks only toward the unique combination of an evangelical Protestant husband who experiences SSA in union with his evangelical straight wife. Evangelical marriages are particularly prone to the belief that “homosexuality” is a sin. As such, a common narrative is to label the gay husband as the “problem” and the straight wife as the “suffering saint.” Given that a husband’s SSA is permanent (in at least some amount), the “sinner-saint marriage” model is apt to create tremendous challenges.
Furthermore, it is common for the couple to avoid discussing their situation with other evangelicals. Sometimes, the couple will seek out with trepidation a close relative, a pastor, or a counselor. Sadly, more times than not, the relative, pastor, and counselor are unfamiliar with gayness — and only encourages the “sinner-saint marriage” paradigm.
This is not good.
As an obvious reminder, both the gay husband and the straight wife experience attractions, plus erotic and romantic desires. One person’s sexual attraction must not be condemned as sinful nor prized as superior. Furthermore, the gay husband may experience some form of heteroerotic and heteroromantic desires toward his wife. Thus, unlike the straight wife, the gay husband must address both capabilities: his gayness plus his arousal toward his wife. In contrast, the wife merely presumes a heteronormative and “saint” posture.
The bottom-line secret for a MOM to thrive is astoundingly straightforward and excruciatingly challenging:
The husband and the wife must both believe they are valued by the other.
Challenges for the Gay Husband
Dealing with his evangelicalism
Every gay evangelical husband has had to deal with some degree of shame over the pervasive existence of his SSA and gay desires. Generally, the evangelical model considers homosexuality to be a disorder caused by something — and the need to repress one’s thoughts and behaviors in some fashion. Thus, the gay evangelical husband enters into his marriage prone to believing he is broken (thus, assuming the “sinner” label).
The gay evangelical husband is unlikely to find sufficient support within his local evangelical church — and thus must either “go it alone” or find support from SSA groups. Such support groups typically are found and encountered through Facebook listings or word-of-mouth recommendations. The specific type of support provided in such groups varies along religious doctrinal lines.
The most conservative support groups (e.g., ex-gay support ministries) promote sexual conversion or in the least, repression of one’s SSA. Moderate support groups discourage using “gay” as a sexual identity but do not consider SSA pathological. Progressive support groups encourage embracing one’s gay identity, to include possibly coming-out publicly and participating in gay relationships. Such relationships may be exclusively platonic friendships (“bromance”) or may be homoromantic in nature.
Thus, the more traditional the evangelical church or support ministry, the more a “sinner-repression model” is promoted. Conversely, the more progressive agencies promote an “equality-engagement model.”
Additionally, the gay evangelical husband is constantly forced to address the essential question of “what does God think about my homosexuality?” It is veritably impossible for the gay evangelical husband to thrive in his marriage if his belief in God’s position on homosexuality is at odds with the husband’s erotic behaviors and romantic relationships. Such dissonance is the recipe for shame — and shame is the prerequisite for harmful sexually addictive behaviors.
Also, the gay evangelical husband must come to a resolved peace regarding the viability of divorce. The husband whose evangelical belief rules out divorce will be tempted to appease his wife’s demands. This appeasement leaves the husband with only a few alternatives, even when the wife’s behaviors are abusive.
Dealing with his gayness
Like it or not, the gay evangelical husband will always be forced to deal with his SSA. The attraction never becomes extinguished. The husband’s erotic and romantic desires for his straight wife may wax and wane. However, to personally be at peace with himself, he cannot simply pretend that the SSA does not exist. Thus, the gay evangelical husband will need to find his answers to the following realities involving: male nudity; body shame; physical touch with males; and the acceptability of a romantic (or “bromance”) relationship with another man.
Reality #1. Gay men are attracted to the physical appearance of other gay men.
Yep, we gay men want to not only look at men whom we find attractive, but we also want to know what that man would look like if nude. Thus, gay evangelical husbands will repeatedly experience a desire to see male nudity. This viewing of nudity can happen through public gym locker rooms, spas, bathhouses, posted pictures, or pornography. The gay evangelical husband will probably need to experiment to determine whether the level of “naked viewing” brings him shame or instead harmless “thirst-quenching.”
Reality #2: Gay men deal with body shame.
It is a fact that every gay man views his body as “lacking” in some important feature. Thus, gay men constantly seek “approval” of other men’s assessment of their bodies. This approval-seeking phenomenon results in some men purposefully exposing their nudity to other men (via “dick pics,” group nudity interventions, exposing oneself at spas, etc.) — in hopes of being affirmed. Such activity may be harmful or helpful, but the body shame phenomenon is real and must be properly handled.
Reality #3: Gay men appreciate physical touch with other men.
It is common for gay evangelical men to crave touching a man, as though to abstain is to die (i.e., similar to the need for oxygen and food). The touch may be innocent (e.g., hugs) or erotic (e.g., touch that produces an orgasm). Gay men have long understood the need to give and receive a friend’s lingering hug. Also, the concept of “cuddling” is now popular — even among straight men. Furthermore, many gay evangelical men view anal intercourse as sinful. However, some such men may still view deep kissing, masturbation, and fellatio as acceptable alternatives.
Reality #4: Romance happens
A gay evangelical man may believe it is wrong to be engaged in a romantic relationship with another man. However, just try to convince that same man to simply “stop it!” once his heart is attached to another man soul. If the other man is straight, society may view such a “bromance” as virtuous. For example, Jonathan and David’s love for each other is regarded as one of the Bible’s primary examples of how two men should strive in their mutual friendship.
However, for the gay evangelical man who happens to experience an unending longing for another gay Brother, such union is frowned upon within the straight evangelical leadership. Thus, the gay evangelical man is forced to decide: is his romantic relationship virtuous (i.e., akin to what Jonathan and David experienced) or is it sinful (i.e., as evangelical church authority maintains). Sometimes “the heart wins” — regardless of what church leadership demands.
The bottom line is that every gay evangelical man must find harmony with his desire for male nudity, overcoming body shame, acquiring physical touch, and engaging in bromantic/romantic relationships. And all four realities must be managed in the context of the gay evangelical husband’s beliefs about what God and his wife consider to be acceptable.
Which now leads us to …
Challenges for the Straight Wife
Dealing with her evangelicalism
The majority narrative for straight evangelical wives is that her husband’s SSA is a disorder that needs to be monitored and contained. Such wives view their role as a “protective mother” — deciding what is healthy and unhealthy for her husband. Accordingly, the wife sets clear boundaries, expects accountability, and provides “tough love” consequences for husband infractions.
In my opinion, such a posture is doomed to fail. Here’s why.
Let me give you a real scenario. The wife wants the husband to avoid “homosexual sin.” She tells her husband that he may not be around other gay men or view male nudity. She monitors her husband’s comings-and-goings, sets guards on his internet use, and requires him to report all infractions to an accountability partner. Some wives need their husbands to take a lie-detector test (even periodically!). Sheesh — what husband would like to live under those oppressive requirements?
Answer: none.
Attempting to meet his wife’s every demand, the husband of course fails. Each failure produces shame; shame produces the need for acting-out. Each acting-out is then considered a “crime” — resulting in even more boundaries and protective control (“for his own good”). This cycle virtually eliminates any hope of a thriving marriage.
Dealing with her sexuality
Generally, the straight evangelical wife wants her husband to find her to be attractive and prized. For example, wives may view themselves as unattractive (e.g., “How can I be attractive to my gay husband — I cannot grow a penis”). Accordingly, such thinking may draw the wife down into depression.
Also, many straight evangelical wives feel their marriage is deeply threatened — believing she is not prized by her husband. In response, some wives require their husband to seek counseling to convert his orientation and become completely straight. Additionally, such wives may feel too ashamed to confide in other wives, pastors, or family members. Sadly, the “sage advice” that such people provide to the hurting wife is to place her in the “suffering saint” role. As such, the wife takes action to control (a.k.a., mother) her gay husband. Not good.
Thriving
Thriving in mixed-orientation marriages requires both spouses to define healthy ways to nourish themselves while seeking to prioritize dignity and support to the other.
Gay evangelical husbands will have to experience and learn their self-nourishment comfort zones regarding nudity, physical touch, and bromance. If the husband’s behaviors in these areas are not aligned with his belief about God’s position on such issues, severe pain exists. Furthermore, the husband needs to ensure that his wife feels valued, even as he achieves his self-nourishing. Such alignment inevitably demands the husband consider whether his self-nourishing behaviors are helping the marriage thrive — or moving the union into a divorce.
The straight evangelical wife generally appreciates that her self-nourishment requires emotional and physical intimacy with her husband. Emotional intimacy only occurs when both spouses are willing to be vulnerable in sharing, while validating what their spouse says. Such emotional intimacy follows the original, Godly design of being metaphorically “naked and unashamed.” Regarding physical intimacy, some creative, mutually enjoyable physical affection is necessary — ranging from simply massages, to non-intercourse orgasm (i.e., masturbation and fellatio/cunnilingus), to vaginal/anal intercourse.
Furthermore, the wife needs to feel safe and valued by her husband. Such trust occurs when the husband only engages in homoerotic or homoromantic activity that was pre-approved by the wife. If “prior consent” has not been established, the wife who instead provides too much control and lack of trust will torpedo her own goals.
Finally, both husband and wife would do well by initiating dates and getaways, wherein they both can fully relax and focus on pleasing the other person.
In summary, God Fully loves the gay husband and the straight wife exactly as they are — treating each with dignity, compassion, and merciful support.
That’s a pretty darned good model for both the husband and the wife to embrace.
GAYoda is a publication to uniquely and specifically support gay Christian men. Click here to learn more
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder and author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor, with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read a short synopsis of his story here.
Read Dr. Rosebush’s complete set of articles here.
Dr. Rosebush provides friendship support to gay Christian men across the U.S. and can be contacted via Facebook or mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
