Gay Husband, Straight Wife: The Hidden Realities
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
“Mixed Orientation Marriages” (MOM) among evangelical Christians stand an opportunity to flourish or fail miserably. I was in a MOM for 41 years — separated only by my wife’s death from cancer. Additionally, I have mentored hundreds of evangelical men who possess same-sex attraction (SSA) and are married to a straight evangelical wives. Here is what I have learned is true from the perspective of the gay husband.
I warn you. Some of this information is raw and painful to read. In contrast, there exist realities that encourage.
Overview
This article speaks only toward the unique combination of an evangelical Protestant husband who experiences SSA (hereafter referred to as the “gay husband”) in union with his evangelical straight wife.
Evangelical marriages are particularly prone to believing that “homosexuality” is a sin. A common narrative is to label the gay husband as the “problem” and the straight wife as the “suffering saint.” Given that the gay husband’s SSA is permanent (in at least some amount), the “sinner-saint marriage” model is apt to create tremendous challenges.
Furthermore, it is common for the couple to avoid discussing their situation with other evangelicals. Sometimes, the couple will seek out a close relative, a pastor, or a counselor with trepidation. Sadly, more times than not, the relative, pastor, and counselor are unfamiliar with gayness — and only encourage the “sinner-saint marriage” paradigm and repression of the husband.
This is not good.
So what follows are the unfiltered realities for marriages involving an evangelical gay husband and his evangelical straight wife.
Common to All Marriages
Virtually all marriages (gay and straight) set out to thrive — and presume that they will succeed. Spouses are commonly seeking friendship in their union. Husbands often want to reunite each day with their wives — looking forward to catching up on each other’s events of the day. When replayed daily, this companionship produces a solid legacy for the married couple. Specifically, the couple views themselves as if they were on a noble quest to bring love to each other and the world.
Friendship is such an important variable in the thriving of all marriages. Does the husband long to be with his wife when they are apart? Do they both contribute to fun activities that keep their union alive and refreshing?
I know of several gay husbands in a MOM who tell me that their wife is their best friend. If any husband has such a satisfying relationship, he will look forward to being with his wife. Conversely, I know of gay husbands who do not consider their wives true friends. Thus, they avoid interaction as much as possible.
Gay and same-sex marriages sometimes form a “couple identity,” — which provides commitment from each spouse. The psychological “contract” of being committed to each other — until only through death do they part — is sometimes an overpowering ingredient for longevity in marriage. I know of several gay husbands whose marriage is not thriving. And yet, such men stay together because “I honor my promises.” This foundational ethic allows some unions to “ride out” the rough waters — and strengthen their “couples identity.”
Marital commitment, though, maybe a two-edged sword. I know many gay husbands in a MOM who are not thriving. The only ingredient that holds them together is their promise to endure “through good times and bad.” This lifeless relationship may be best served by divorce, yet many evangelical husbands view divorce as a non-option. Such was my case. At our wedding, I promised my wife, family, and best friends that I would never leave my wife. Most importantly, I promised God that I would stay united. And, true to my ethic, we remained married until my wife’s cancerous death separated us.
In summary, most marriages want to thrive. Thriving is made possible through friendships and commitment.
However, gay husbands have certain realities that challenge the thriving of their marriage.
Realities for Gay Husbands
Obviously, gay husbands are attracted to certain men. Thus, they may have greater same-sex needs than a straight man. Gay men must deal with a never-ending attraction to men and the corresponding desire for homoerotic and homoromantic activities.
Regarding homoerotic activities, most gay men must successfully deal with their desire to see men nude or engaging in some homoerotic activity visually. For example, gay men immediately focus on men who they find attractive. The object of their focus might easily take on a desire to view that man’s body parts or complete nakedness. This curiosity and erotic quest to view men’s nudity is an innate part of the man’s sexuality.
Typically, the gay man uses certain reliable means to view male nudity: pictures of nude men, gay pornography, participating in “Korean spas” or in gay bathhouses, and sending and receiving “dick pics” with other men. I am never surprised when an otherwise conservative man confesses to me that he utilized any of the means to view male nudity. Such is extraordinarily common, regardless of the person’s faith identity. Furthermore, the gay man who shames himself for viewing male nudity creates very low self-esteem and a “starve-binge” cycle of behaviors. Specifically, he promises himself that he will never view nude men again, only to be followed by binge viewing. Such are the ingredients for creating a sexual addiction.
Gay men (regardless of their religious beliefs) also have an innate desire for physical touch with another man. Clear examples include long hugs, cuddling, and massages. In today’s American evangelical culture, such expressions of physical affection are frowned upon by straight men. However, for the gay man, such experiences may feel as required as getting a good night’s sleep. Sleep, food, and touch deprivation have astoundingly poor consequences for someone trying to thrive.
In summary, it is virtually inevitable that gay men will crave viewing male nudity and receiving physical affection as basic needs. This reality means that a desire for male nudity and physical affection is unlikely to disappear — even when married to his wife.
The Importance of Identity
Our self-identity is constantly being embraced and amended. In my mentoring, I have concluded:
when a gay husband possesses a clearly defined sexual identity — and a congruent faith identity — he is more likely to thrive. Furthermore, when you combine having a wife who shows respect for her husband, you have attained a strong bedrock for marital success.
Thus, two issues greatly challenge the MOM: the gay man’s sexual and faith identities, plus the couple’s ability to provide mutual respect.
Sexual Identity
I cannot overemphasize the importance of a gay man having a sexual identity that is authentic and confident. There are many types of sexual identities for gay men. For example, he may view his same-sex attraction as threatening his well-being. In such a case, the gay man is at war with himself. He views the attraction as harmful and needing to be eliminated or fully repressed. Such a person will likely want to become an “ex-gay” (i.e., disavowing any association with his same-sex attraction). Additionally, the gay man may wish to distance himself from the term “gay” — as though such a term speaks of disordered, promiscuous homoerotic activity.
In contrast, the gay man may identify as “gay” while clarifying that he intends to abstain from all homoerotic and homoromantic relationships.
Finally, a gay man may view his attraction as a “God-given” gift — possessing talents that should be utilized within the Church.
It is my experience that gay husbands in a MOM who view their attraction as “bad” (i.e., sinful, disordered) possess low self-esteem. They attempt to eliminate all vestiges of their gay sexuality, only to discover that their attractions never cease. I have viewed many evangelical Christian gay husbands who loathe themselves. As an aftereffect, such gay men feel compelled to engage in binging homoeroticism. It seems that a gay man constantly punishes himself over thoughts and behaviors that he views as immoral or disordered. Life for such men is a torturous process.
Faith Identity
In addition to the gay husband’s sexual identity, he needs to determine his faith identity. Presuming the gay husband believes in the Trinity nature of God: does such a man believe God approves of his sexual identity? In other words, does God dislike his attraction and grumps whenever he engages in homoerotic or homoromantic relationships? Does the gay husband believe that God will “turn His back” away from the gay husband? Is the gay husband’s eternal security only provided when he has abstained or confessed? Does God love the gay husband exactly as he is, or must he first become holy?
Such are vital questions for the gay husband to answer.
Congruence of Identities for the Gay Husband
The gay husband must achieve congruence between his sexual and faith identities. Allow me to provide you with some real-world examples.
The man who has a faith identity that God hates homosexuality is constantly reminded that he is a “sinner” whenever he experiences his attraction. Thus, his goal is to successfully repress all expressions of his sexual identity. When he succeeds in turning away from his attraction, he wants others to know that he is now “holy” and acceptable to God. He proclaims himself to be “ex-gay.”
On the other extreme, there are gay husbands whose faith identity is that God rejoices in his sexual identity. Such a person would logically publicly come out as gay, attend Gay Pride events, and potentially enjoy a gay marriage. There is congruence between what he believes God wants of his sexuality and his actual identification.
The contrast between the two men is vivid. And yet, even the casual observer can recognize the importance of each man living congruently with his sexual identity and faith identity.
Mutual Respect
Finally, I have witnessed many gay husbands whose wives view “homosexuality” as immoral and a disorder. In such a case, the wife may never be at peace until her husband “eliminates” his attraction. Such wives wince if their husband calls themselves “gay.” Also, these wives demand that their husbands stay away from masturbating, viewing male nudity, and engaging in physical affection with men. In short, the wife has the husband on a “short leash” and is watching his every move. This type of wife is not providing respect. She wants the husband to conform to her beliefs yet invalidates the husband’s innate desires.
However, let’s now look at a MOM that appears to be thriving:
Both spouses are friends with each other. Both people hold their marriage vow with the highest commitment. The gay husband is secure in congruence between his sexual and faith identities. The wife is confident that the husband’s sexuality is a gift from God. And both regularly communicate their needs — validating each other and trying their best to help each other selflessly.
That selfless love ought to remind us of someone.
Jesus
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder/author of GAYoda and writer for Backyard Church. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with nine years of counseling and mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. Please read the complete set of his articles here. You may contact Dr. Rosebush at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
