He Only Thought He Was Helping
How to survive when loved ones oppose your gayness
People who love you ought to treat you with love once they know you are gay.
Sometimes, that is not the case.
Here are a few scenarios when loved ones disrespect your dignity as a gay male.
1. The Dad Who Only Thought He Was Helping
Dad: “Son, don’t worry about your sexual confusion. Just give it time, and you will discover this is only a phase. Down deep, I know you are not gay — you are just hurt and mixed up. These teenage years are rough on all boys. Besides, God would never want you to be gay. Relax. Take it easy. I was once like you are now.”
Son (said to himself): “He only thought he was helping.”
Son (said to his dad): “Dad, I know you mean well. And I also know that you are wrong. This gayness is not merely a phase. My feelings toward attractive males are real. They are very powerful and do not go away. I have learned that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Dad, if you are willing to listen — and not feel a need to set me straight — then I could share with you what it is like to be me. Would you like to learn?”
2. The Mom Who Only Thought She Was Helping
Mom: “Son, please stop calling yourself ‘gay.’ You are not such a person. Gays are perverted and disordered. They only end up hurting themselves and others. You are not like those people.”
Son (said to himself): “She only thought she was helping.”
Son (said to his mom): “Mom, I know you want the best for me. But you do not understand what it is to be gay. Gays are varied — just like straights are. We are not deranged and lewd. Gays can have a healthy relationship with a man, resulting in a strong marriage. Did you know gay marriages are more likely to succeed than straight marriages? Would you like me to provide you with some material that would help you understand me better?”
3. The Wife Who Only Thought She Was Helping
Wife: “I always knew that there was something wrong with you. You knew you were gay before we were married. You tricked me! You need to see a therapist and get yourself fixed so we can return to a normal marriage.”
Husband (said to himself): “She only thought she was helping.”
Husband (said to his wife: “I can only imagine how upset you are. This disclosure comes as a shock. However, I have never deceived you. Rather, I have only recently become clear about my sexual identity of being gay. I have always loved you and always will. As we both go forward, I truly believe we can thrive. Would you be willing to go with me to see a marriage therapist with lots of experience helping mixed-orientation relationships like ours?”
4. The Pastor Who Only Thought He Was Helping
Pastor: “Thank you for sharing something so personal with me. You know, of course, that being gay is a sin. The Bible clearly says so. It will only lead to sex with other men. Such is a very sad and tragic lifestyle. Trust God. He can help you change. Let’s pray right now for divine healing.”
Man (said to himself): “He only thought he was helping.”
Man (said to his pastor): “I can appreciate that from your theological worldview, gayness is a sin. The Bible’s five verses on gayness were written for a very different audience and context than now. Being gay is good; it is my authentic self. And I am certain that my same-sex attraction will never leave me. I deeply love Jesus and always will. And there are a huge number of gay Christians like me. I have some terrific books that could help you understand our perspective. Would you be willing to read one?”
5. The Friend Who Only Thought He Was Helping
Friend: “Wow, I never knew you were gay. You don’t seem to be the type. You know I love you. But you are making a big mistake. If you continue the gay lifestyle, you are speeding toward a cliff!”
Man (said to himself): “He only thought he was helping.”
Man (said to his friend): “Thank you for listening. Indeed, you have always been a special friend. However, as a straight man, it is clear that you do not understand much about being gay. I am ‘coming out’ to different people and have never been more authentic. I am not headed for a cliff — any more than you are. If you are truly my friend, I would like to share more about being gay and thriving.”
Conclusion
Straight loved ones want to help us with our gayness. First, it is important to remember that their relationship matters — and they try to do what they believe is helpful. Often, though, their response is not helpful. In fact, at times, it can be downright toxic.
So, before you blow your top over some wrongful advice from a loved one, first remember:
He Only Thought He Was Helping
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the creator and editor of GAYoda, plus a writer for Backyard Church. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
