How I Became an Exvangelical Gay Christian
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
Introduction
Being forevermore aligned with Jesus is a relationship.
Being a Christian is a religion.
Being gay is a sexual orientation.
Being an evangelical is a tribe.
And being an exvangelical is about leaving a tribe.
In this article I will explain the recent phenomenon of being an exvangelical.
And I will share with you what progressed me into becoming a Christian, being a card-carrying evangelical, identifying as gay, and eventually becoming an exvangelical.
The Exvangelicals
Definitions. To claim to be an exvangelical is to declare one’s departure from one tribe and quest to find a better fitting tribe.
It is hard to think of “exvangelical” as a tribe since it is a tribe birthed from being injured and feeling disdain (even embarrassment) in one’s former tribe of evangelicalism. The only thing exvangelicals have in common is that they once were a loyal member of evangelicalism but purposefully left it.
To understand being an exvangelical, we must first be clear in knowing what it is to be an evangelical. I wrote an entire article defining, comparing, and contrasting “What Defines an Evangelical.”
In summary, being an evangelical means having a “born again” experience and a lifelong process of following Jesus. Furthermore, an evangelical believes the Bible to be the inspired, only infallible, authoritative Word of God (a.k.a., “sola scriptura”). Also, an evangelical believes that humans are sinfully flawed — but Jesus’ death on the cross redeems us. Finally, an evangelical believes the most loving action one can do is to declare and demonstrate the “good news” to people who otherwise are headed for hell.
Demographics. In 2006, white evangelical Protestants attained the highest membership (23%) of white Christian tribes — exceeding white mainline Protestants (18%) and white Catholics (16%). Sixteen percent of Americans were not affiliated with any religion (a.k.a., the “nones”).
However, with the exceptions of 2011 and 2014, white evangelical Americans demonstrated a steady decline in numbers each year — reaching its lowest membership in 2020 (14.5%). In other words, people left evangelicalism — and became exvangelicals.
Exodus. So where to did these exvangelicals migrate? Primary, they became “nones.” A rare exception occurred in 2020 when significant numbers of exvangelicals chose “mainline Protestantism.”
Why, you may ask, did the originally contented evangelicals jump ship and become either unaffiliated or mainline? Many reasons are presumed. Mostly, exvangelicals became dramatically upset with evangelicalism — and decided to leave rather than stay with the tribe they had revered for so many years.
Many evangelicals left because they were injured by evangelicalism. Such was typically the case with women (e.g., forced into patriarchy and complementary gender roles) and gays (e.g., forced to repress one’s sexual identity; restricted from gay marriages). It is hard to stay in one’s “family” when the other family members consider you to not only be a lesser-than, but they impose church policies that restrict your dignity and equality.
Furthermore, some evangelicals left their tribe because of disdain for evangelicalism’s posture. Some viewed evangelicals as know-it-alls who were intolerant of differences within the tribe. Some exvangelicals considered their former tribe obstinate in demanding that “truth” can only be found in the literal translation of one’s Protestant Bible.
Evangelicals, at times, were perceived to be out of step with culture, science, and common sense. Many exvangelicals would claim that they did not leave evangelicalism; rather, evangelicalism left Jesus. In other words, evangelicalism no longer imitated the fruit of love but instead sold their soul for the fancy toys of uber-masculinity, the Republican party, Donald Trump, and winning at all costs.
Finally, droves left evangelicalism because, well, they were embarrassed to be associated with that tribe. In 2009 the famous Kinnaman and Lyons book “unChristian” measured what the younger adults (i.e., ages 16–29) who were not Christians thought about Christians. Do you want to know their most common definition of “Christian?” Well, it was not such bedrock evangelical ideals as “one who loves Jesus” or “one who loves others.” Instead, the number one descriptor (stated by 91% of the survey respondents) was that Christians were “anti-homosexual” — and their Christian peer group agreed! Many from the younger generation simply could not fathom why Christians hate gays. So, they left the tribe.
Summary. Exvangelicals originally loved their evangelical tribe. However, something very harmful happened to them — creating an exodus to the “nones” tribe. In response, some older white evangelical leaders in America doubled down on their discriminating position toward gays and women. And these leaders thought they were “defending Jesus” against an immoral culture that had gone amuck. Conversely, exvangelicals thought evangelicals were now being, well, unlike Jesus. Ouch.
My Story
What follows is my story of becoming a Christian, immersing in the evangelical culture, the ways of a “tribe,” proclaiming my gay identity, and leaving evangelicalism.
I always believed in God. I don’t know how I came upon such a certain faith, but it remains unshakeable. I also always wanted to be with God in heaven for eternity. I just did not know if God wanted me to be with Him.
That is, until the life-changing event.
Born Again Christian. At age 21, an evangelical roommate of mine informed me that I could permanently be with Jesus in heaven — beginning right now! All I needed to do was to invite Jesus into my heart and commit myself to follow Him. So, I became born-again.
As a Catholic at that time, I asked my evangelical roommate, “What am I now?” He confidently replied, “You are a Christian!” He then introduced me to a discipleship program, where I daily read the Bible and memorized key verses. I then attended non-denominational, hip, evangelical churches — a joyous relief over the stodgy, liturgical Catholic masses.
Evangelical Culture. At that point in my progression, I would not have thought of myself as necessarily an “evangelical.” Still, all of my Christian friends were indeed evangelicals. So I became completely immersed in evangelicalism. I went to lots of Bible studies, confessed a lot to my “accountability partner,” and continued to always vote Republican.
At one point, I was a vice president of the most famous evangelical ministry in America (i.e., Dr. James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family”) while living in “the evangelical capital of America” (i.e., Colorado Springs, Colorado).
My evangelical wife and I immersed our two kids in all of the evangelical cultural stuff. We listened to and attended concerts by Amy Grant and other Contemporary Christian Music artists. Our kids went to evangelical camps, attended evangelical universities, and to this day proudly wear the title of “evangelical.”
I, too, was proud to be an evangelical.
Tribes. As is true for all tribes, one tends to gain status and a sense of belonging with one’s tribe. And there exists the inevitable unhealthy competition between your tribe and the others. In my case, I began to notice a stinky smell coming from evangelical leaders’ condemnation of gays. Gays were portrayed as evil, hedonistic, and headed to hell. I knew that none of those descriptors applied to me.
Evangelicals (like many other tribes) like to believe that “God is on our side.” Accordingly, tribe members see it as God’s will that they flourish. Hence, evangelicals believe they benefit from being in God’s will whenever Republicans win a national election and evangelicals gain popularity.
As an evangelical, I always voted for the Republican party candidate. To me, Democrats were those who were liberal, spent my money, disregarded national defense, and ignored our nation’s commitment to Christianity.
Becoming Gay. While I always had an almost exclusive attraction toward fellow males, I did not always identify as “gay.” At first, I assumed I was “normal” [note: the term “straight” did not even exist when I hit puberty]. At age 30, I acknowledged to myself and my wife that my attraction had a name: homosexual. I was told I could overcome my homosexuality if I had enough faith and stuck with the program for conversion.
In those days, I would say that I “am a homosexual.” Years later, it seemed more vogue to say I “struggle with same-sex attraction.” During these years, the term “gay” had a nefarious quality to it. I conceived of “gays” as men who frequented gay bars and clubs, then engaged in countless sexual encounters with anonymous men. Such was not my “lifestyle.”
Upon my wife’s death in 2017, I began reading books that would have previously been “out of bounds” for me. Greg Cole’s epic book “Single, Gay, Christian” helped me appreciate that the term “gay” was simply the universally accepted name for males who had enduring homoromantic and homoerotic attractions. Greg’s book allowed me to loosen my shackles — so in 2019, I publicly came out as “gay.”
Gay Marriage. Later I read the book “Torn” by Justin Lee. Justin was a Bible fanatic (like me), but he asserted that the Bible itself affirms gay marriages. Intrigued, I read more such books.
In 2020 I acknowledged to my Christian friends that I now believed God affirms gay marriages. I came to trust that God always knew who would develop same-sex attraction — and that marriage was God’s acceptable pathway for gay adult relationships.
In 2022 I married my husband.
Gay Ignorance. As a gay man, I had always felt that evangelicals were underinformed about all things pertaining to gays. I thought they were naïve regarding their presumption that sexual orientation change can happen. Many evangelicals told me that if I prayed hard enough, stuck with repressing my homoerotic thoughts, confessed my homoerotic masturbations, and basically attempted to cut off all vestiges of my gayness, then my homosexuality would disappear. Permanently.
Yet I knew such was not the case with me, nor for any of the thousands of gay Christian men I mentored. We all were gay — and we would stay gay until we died.
Gay Intolerance. Many evangelicals seemed to me to be rabid regarding the need to change one’s orientation. They also appeared to be incensed at the mere mention of gay marriages. I recognized a pattern from many (but not all) evangelicals regarding gayness: preach that God can change you or else the gay man must attain purity through celibacy. Thus, gay dating and marriage were universally wrong.
I also detected an absurd demand from many white, older evangelical leaders in America: you must never say the word “gay.”
Becoming Exvangelical. So, due to the evangelicals’ rigid stance against gay marriages and identifying as gay, I resolved to leave my evangelical roots. Lacking any other term for myself, I concluded that the only acceptable identifier was “exvangelical.”
I then began to read very helpful books concerning leaving evangelicalism, especially gaining from David P. Gushee’s “After Evangelicalism.”
Another helpful book was Ken Wilson’s “A Letter to My Congregation.” Ken had been a pastor at an evangelical church, but he gradually determined that he could no longer align with the evangelical posture against LGBTQ+ people. Significantly, Wilson replaced “sola scriptura” (i.e., the Bible is the only authoritative source) with “sola Jesus” (i.e., Jesus is the only authoritative source).
I greatly resonated with sola Jesus: the emphasis on loving all others in Jesus’ way (rather than obeying every command stated in the Bible). I acquired a profound epiphany: my only true mission in life was to love whomever I encountered with compassion, mercy, and unselfishness.
And that is the Polaris star that guides my direction and actions today.
Today
I vote as an Independent. I virtually attend a rogue non-denominational church (i.e., Ken Wilson’s “Blue Ocean Church”). It is not evangelical and it studies and reveres the Word. It affirms the dignity and full equality of all people (e.g., blacks, women, and LGBTQ).
I am an exvangelical, gay, Christian.
I am absolutely certain that Jesus loves me exactly as I am and will never leave me.
And I will never leave Jesus.
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder/author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with nine years of counseling and mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. Please read the complete set of his articles here. You may contact Dr. Rosebush at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
