I’m a Gay Christian Who Tried Conversion Therapy
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
Fewer and fewer gay Christians are receiving conversion therapy these days. Praise God! I however, did. And this is my story.
What Occurs in Conversion Therapy
In 1984, after eight years of marriage to my straight, evangelical wife, I told her I think I am gay. Angry and horrified, she said I must receive therapy to change my sexual orientation — or else.
I learned that the more reputable conversion therapists are licensed psychiatrists trained in “Reparative Therapy.” Such was my therapist.
These specialists follow a “psychoanalytical” model, presuming all adult mental health issues can be traced to a damaged past. In conversion therapy, the therapist supposes being gay is a “disorder;” all humans are born with the capacity to be straight (so they say). But a faulty emotional connection with one’s father during childhood causes the gay boy to connect better with females. Thus, upon puberty, the gay boy fantasizes about homoerotic and homoromantic experiences with males.
At least, that’s the theory.
The conversion “cure” is to help the gay client understand the origin of his homosexuality and find positive ways of connecting to straight men (i.e., nothing erotic or romantic).
My Story
In 1985, I began my conversion therapy. My therapist was kind and asked few (but very intentional) questions. Of course, we spent, golly, forever talking about my father! Please know I had a very positive relationship with my dad — I admired him immensely. Yet, the therapist kept inquiring to determine how and when I “detached” emotionally from my dad. Such was never to be found (because such never occurred).
Undeterred, my therapist told me to begin “hanging out with straight, masculine men.” To which I replied,
“Are you kidding me, doc! All of my friends are masculine men. It is the females whom I am uncomfortable around. I was an all-league football player, for goodness sakes. I graduated from an all-male Air Force Academy and became an award-winning fighter pilot. Doc, what you are proposing is nonsense.”
Flummoxed over my inability to change after one year, the psychiatrist said I needed to attend a “Homosexuals Anonymous (HA)” support group. So, in 1986, I complied. HA followed a “12 Step” model (copied from Alcoholics Anonymous). Thus each week we said aloud the 12 steps — proclaiming that God originally made us straight. And that these gay feelings are a mirage. One day, God will restore us to His intended heterosexual design.
The mantra never broke the spell.
Each week we were required to confess to the group any homoerotic lust or behavior. And each week, we stated the same, old, typical sins. None of us improved. After a year in HA, I ceased the program.
In 1987, away from therapy and HA, I felt hopeless that I could not remove my homosexuality. I gave honest thoughts to suicide — the darkest time in my life.
Conversion therapy is a lie. No one’s homosexual orientation needs to be repaired, extinguished, and converted into heterosexuality. I do not say this only because conversion therapy failed me. I say this as a former licensed professional counselor and mentor to thousands of gay Christian men. I have asked such men, “Has your same-sex attraction been extinguished?”
And I have yet to find even one man who could respond “yes.”
However, to be “fair & balanced,” research indicates a minor percentage of male clients in conversion therapy acquired some level of heteroerotic capability (where none previously existed). Often this new attraction only happens toward one woman. Sometimes that woman is (or becomes) the gay man’s wife — in which case the two may enjoy vaginal intercourse.
Further, it is true that many men have fluidity in their sexual attraction and drive. Sometimes men can have both a heteroerotic/romantic and homoerotic/romantic capability (e.g., bisexuals). Sometimes one (or both) of the attractional capabilities grow stronger or weaker over time, but rarely in direct proportion (i.e., an increase in one attraction does not necessarily produce a decrease in the other). And, of course, libido (i.e., drive for sexual activity) waxes and wanes — for gays, straights, and bisexuals.
In summary, it appears that a man who possesses same-sex attraction will have that attraction until he dies. Fluidity can shift both the levels of sexual attraction and erotic/romantic behavior — in increase or decrease. And the term “conversion therapy” is highly misleading. No one changes from being gay to straight.
But the greatest tragedy of conversion therapy is that it tries to convince good people that they are bad people — unless they change. And, worst of all, is when religious conversion therapists (or Christian ministries pretending to be therapists) convince the gay man that Jesus does not love him unless he stops being a homosexual.
God, I hate that.
Why do Gay Christians Continue in Conversion Therapy?
So, why would gay Christians stay in conversion therapy for (sometimes) up to 10 years (at fees approaching $400 per session, each week) — without attaining their goal of orientation change?
Because to not succeed makes him feel like a “lesser than” — both in his eyes and in the eyes of American Christian culture.
Furthermore, a gay Christian privately continues conversion therapy because of the stigma of what would happen if he were ever outed. If such were to occur, the gay Christian could lose his career, family, and church.
For example, I had a very successful Air Force career. And yet, if anyone ever learned I was gay, I would have been kicked out that day. Even in today’s more gay-friendly culture, there are many gay Christians who stay closeted rather than lose their career or finances.
Sadly, a gay Christian may also choose to endure ineffective conversion therapy because he does not want to lose his family. Many gay Christian husbands face potential divorce (or at least a rocky marriage) if he does not change. Additionally, it is common for a gay Christian man to come under attack from his parents — ashamed of their son being gay. Conversion therapy became the only route to family harmony.
Finally, perhaps the most significant abuse to gay Christians came from the church — an institution presumed to support and love “all members of the body of Christ.” Instead, the church removed gay Christians from positions of leadership (or, worse, from being church members). Gay Christians were told they were going to hell, despite their profound commitment to Jesus. Sob.
In short, for the gay Christian, the pain of laboring in ineffective conversion therapy may seem less of a burden than the pain of losing a career, family, or church. All this laboring is so sad — and so unnecessary.
Do you understand the pain of being considered a “lesser than?” I do. It feels unwelcomed, prejudged, and condemning. It feels like a very unfair weight is placed upon my shoulders (and I cannot seem to get out from the heaviness). And, at times, it feels hopeless — as though no equality will ever be attained. And hopelessness usually precedes death — a form of “dead man walking.”
Jesus understands.
“Come to Me, all you gay Brothers who are growing weary from the unfair burdens placed upon your shoulders by so many people. My personality is gentle. I care about you more than I do My own life. I accept you exactly as you are. And I will provide you rest. Now, I invite you to thrive in an abundant way!”
GAYoda is a publication to uniquely and specifically support gay Christian men. Click here to learn more
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder and author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor, with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read a short synopsis of his story here.
Read Dr. Rosebush’s complete set of articles here.
Dr. Rosebush provides friendship support to gay Christian men across the U.S. and can be contacted via Facebook or mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
